<p>Hey you guys. While I believe that crying is ok and am happy with who I am. I have a question, how in heavens name do I keep tears from escaping when I am totally overwhelmed with work responsibilities, bickering employees, and the normal stresses of worrying about elderly parents, etc.</p>
<p>I am not management but am forced to lead a department because I am only one capable till a replacement comes. Staff is a mixture of professionals and support staff. Majority of support staff are in their 20’s. Professionals late 30’s to 50’s. I used to be a peer who worked off site. I got temporary help after 12 months, but temp just left after 5 months. The tears are behind closed doors when discussing challenges with upper management for help. The voice gets quivery, moisture builds up, the eyes get red. I know I am perceived as weak. I know the tears are frustration. While I think I can get more across if I can keep tears away, they only seem to pay attention when I am at wits end. I have been successful in holding department together, but cost has been great to me. Staff seems to think we are just fine and I should take over. Right or stupid I passed up a job offer a few months back because of drive and loyalty to staff I would leave behind. Drive was in terrible traffic.</p>
<p>So i googled and found thinking other thoughts, pinching, etc to keep the tears away I am open to any suggestions. If this makes any sense, in true crisis, danger etc, I am calm. Thanks</p>
<p>So sorry. Your situation sounds miserable. </p>
<p>Pardon me if there is no time for this, but is it possible to do any exercise during the day?
Before or after work?<br>
When I have been overloaded with stresses, this is what has worked for me. 45 minutes of exercise seems to get rid of a lot of muscle tension and clears the head, and it can carry over into your daily life. It helps me sleep better, too.
Somehow exercise calms the nerves and give me reserves I wouldn’t have otherwise.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your current situation. That’s really tough. Sometimes it seems like everything in life is stacked against you at one time. I dont have any useful suggestions for you but I can sympathize - I also get teary when I’m frustrated. I usually try to take a deep breath, look up and to the side, and think of exactly what I want to say next, before I say anything. Silence is ok if you are composing your sentence carefully. Have you tried having a list of issues to take in the meetings with you - something you could hand upper management to go over together? Maybe having a focal point could help you stay strong. Sometimes just thinking through and writing out all the potential discussion points and outcomes helps me be prepared for those sorts of meetings.</p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like that other job was a good fit for you. Hopefully something better will come along - or mgmt will get that replacement in place.</p>
<p>first, i hope things will get better for you. Others will be able to give you wiser counsel, but I will share the tip that helps me, which is to carry a water bottle and sip on it, in meetings that are likely to trigger tears. (See, you’re not the only one) I don’t think it ever fooled any one, but it made me feel better.</p>
<p>Thank you.
Exercise helps very much. I cannot run anymore, but was walking around a 2 mile lake, long hours really laid into that but I was able to do at least 1/2 hr couple times a week. I use stairs etc, but job just doesn’t let me have as much activity as I would like, or had before this all started. The time change really puts a damper on the walks, may start the exercise bike-but it isn’t as satisfying. i am petite and the stress has kept my weight where i like it. I would be a basket case if I gained :(. I eat healthy and control portions because I love food.
Actually husband just suggested writing out some stuff. I will try the focal point-haven’t used that yet.
I truly care for the staff(the jealous ones have problems of their own at home, and I feel for them…sometimes) I feel like a mom to the young ones, some have some challenges in their young lives, that would be tough for mature adults. I loved my previous responsibilities, but had to shift with the changes. The way everything is now, I am very thankful that I still have a nice paycheck and a few friends in the organization. Of course the friends are overworked also. Hate to whine when unemployment in the area is double digits.</p>
<p>I realize that you have no time, etc. etc., so this recommendation may sound like one more “to do”. But, for me, I can always tell if I am not getting enough sleep because I get the quivery, red eyes, etc. over even the STUPIDEST things if I am not getting enough sleep. </p>
<p>So, without this sounding like something more you have to do, could you try to increase your sleep?</p>
<p>“I am perceived as weak…they only seem to pay attention when I am at wits end.”</p>
<p>I had a former situation like this and I can only comment from my personal experience- it’s not pretty, ok? In some businesses, they will chew you up and spit you out- if it works for them. Your sense that you are seen as weak, that you have to freak to get what your dept needs- and the rest you describe, including feeling like mom or a beacon or empathizing with other’s woes- all these, to me, point to the fact that you give a **** about your performance and perception, the department’s success and the well-being of co-workers and, if applicable, clients. That makes you ideal to be “over-used.”<br>
I used to believe some management had a sixth sense for detecting which employees could be “counted on” to do everything in their power to make things right, to fill in all the blanks- and just keep doing it and doing it.<br>
It’s not just that it works for management. It is also that you allow it. It’s a double edged sword. The very qualities that make you want to do right, the effort you put in, the caring and understanding, etc- are the ones management is abusing. The problem is not the tears or your weakness or having to freak. The problem is the situation has become abusive.</p>
<p>“If this makes any sense, in true crisis, danger etc, I am calm.”<br>
Darned straight. Same here. Chances are your situation will not improve until you take steps. Crying is a measure of our frustration. If you knew that this would go on forever- that they would never hire the missing manager and continue to rely on you, that you would always be torn and ego-bruised, would you stay? I know it’s not an easy decision, but you must think of your own needs, your peace of mind. Good luck. It is not your fault.</p>
<p>Looking forward, what a great post. I was going to share a similar experience I’d had but you nailed it perfectly. The working environment had gotten really tough after a merger and several reorganizations. And I can also say I finally took the steps I needed to take, and things got better.
And I did find another job, even after things improved. Best decision ever.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you lamom. I really have been where you are. I’m guessing the overload is at a very high rate in many companies these days given the state of the economy. There are probably many more LAmoms out there dealing with this right now.</p>
<p>What really resonated with me from your post was the loyalty comment. But how loyal is the company to you if it continues to “abuse” YOU this way?</p>
<p>I call it having a Holly Hunter moment. (Watch the movie Broadcast News.) She would put the phone off the hook every morning and have a good cry. It was a really funny scene that touched on a truth about women. We cry. When we get upset the tears just come. Gawd what an awful feeling! I have been there and done that - someone crosses you at work and just when you want to marshall the thoughts for a quick comeback or a reasoned argument the little girl feeling comes up and the face flushes red and OMGNO the Tears come. Keeeeeeeeriste, not what I ordered up for this moment. Holly Hunter tried to manage it by crying every morning deliberately instead, lol. LOVE THAT.</p>
<p>Thanks to all. Nice to read the comments before I go out the door. You all have nailed it so well. I have always been “sensitive” just have managed to lay low in the crowd and not have to deal with constant pressure. Probably past menopause, the emotions are pretty much overloaded at the same level as when I was young.
Did some brainstorming with h last night re tasks that must be done today. Got a brand new dress and jacket on, going to go thru the doors smiling. </p>
<p>Have a hot date with hubby tonight:). </p>
<p>More real sleep would help–going to make conscious effort to do something about that. But no drugs or supplements.</p>
<p>Just another suggestion: have you tried walking in the morning? You will have to get up earlier and it most likely will still be dark, but I’ve found that the early morning exercise clears my head and allows for a better start. I personally love the quiet and alone time before I have to face the day.
I’ve also found that I am very weepy when I do not get enough sleep. I hope things improve - best of luck.</p>
<p>Sometimes when I am getting really upset over something it helps to remind myself that there are people in the world that are a lot worse off than I am (severe illness in a child, caught in a war zone, living in an oppressed society, etc.). Or that we could all get whacked by an asteroid or a natural disaster in a moment, and then, boy, THIS (whatever it is) wouldn’t matter so much. It can help me put the moment in perspective and help me be more objective about it.</p>
<p>Sorry, but I doubt you will find an easy way to get through this. This may sound cruel but you might have to suffer in order to grow. When I was much younger I had a very hard time with any sort of public speaking. I had the shy, introverted personality type. There were lots and lots of painful, stressful situations but I finally grew past that point. After I progressed, I started to enjoy the challenges of making presentations. </p>
<p>Looking backwards it seemed that there was more than enough pain and stress and unpleasantness in my life. The stress of public speaking became just did not seem important. And as I said, eventually the stress turned into excitement.</p>
<p>Under no circumstances is it acceptable to get behind closed doors with upper management and cry for help. Sometimes, or I should say almost always, you are expected to get the job done with the available resources. If that will not work, you need to present the solution along with the description of the issues.</p>
<p>I was just going to bring that up! I love that movie and love Holly Hunter in that movie. The scheduled cry. I think it works! For me, it is in the car driving home from work. When I first started practicing law, it was at least once a week. After 25 years it is still about twice a year. I have a nice long commute and can always pull myself together before I get home.</p>
<p>I handled my son’s senior year/going off to college the same way. When I was approaching an event that I thought would be hard to get through (last whatever, senior breakfast, etc.) I would put on the Wicked CD and play “For Good” (like a handprint on my heart…) That would make me sob, then I’d be fine for the actual event.</p>
<p>My younger D is a competitive cheerleader. It’s not the sport I would have chosen for her, but she loves it. What I have come to appreciate about it is how many of the girls leave the performance floor, then bust into tears. It may sound odd to admire this but I totally do…those girls hold it together no matter if their pyramid cratered or they fell on their face in their tumbling pass…they keep that huge smile on their face, finish the routine, and THEN fall apart. I think that’s what we can all hope for…do what needs to be done, then cry later.</p>
<p>Your post resonated with me; I’ve been having similar problems. One thing I’ve been doing is that before meetings where I’m pretty sure they’re going to make me cry, I get good and mad. I get ticked off. I remind myself that the situation I’m in is ridiculous and untenable, that they’re putting me in that situation, and that I should be peeved as all heck about it.</p>
<p>When it comes right down to it, I’m not a ranting, raving kind of angry person. So what I end up with in the meetings is a good, steely seethe. I try to make sure that I have my agenda well-planned and that I assertively cover what needs to be covered before I lose my grrr, and then I wrap up the meeting when I start feeling tired and frustrated again, because I know that I’m entering dangerous territory.</p>
<p>Cardinal rule is to not sit there and cry… Lois P. Frankel has a great line you can use if you start to get watery, from her book Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office; it’s something like, “As you can see, I feel strongly about this. I’d like to table this issue for the moment and talk about it again later. I appreciate your understanding.”</p>
<p>I’ve found that if you absolutely, positively are going to cry and that there’s nothing you can do about it, that it’s far better to do so in front of a guy who’s married to a strong professional woman. He’s much more likely to ‘get’ it and not see it as “ugh, women can’t handle themselves in business settings, this is like working with my wife,” but as “yeah, she’s really frustrated right now.”</p>
<p>Good luck. Such an uncomfortable situation.</p>
<p>Missypie, I used to do my crying in the car. Then one time a friend asked me if I was ok because she saw me looking awful in my car. ■■■■! People look in cars. Sheesh. Haven’t cried in the car since, except way out on the highway far far from home. And that’s the truth pfffffffFFFffffft.</p>
<p>I was in a new office once and a co-worker had a pic of his beautiful daughter on his desk and I commented on it. He then said that she had been killed in a car crash the year before. I burst into tears. Every time I saw that pic, tears would come to my eyes.</p>
<p>Lamom- you said, “got temporary help after 12 months, but temp just left after 5 months.” Does this mean it has been going on for 17 months? </p>
<p>“I have been successful in holding department together, but cost has been great to me.” And, “thinking other thoughts, pinching, etc to keep the tears away…” </p>
<p>You describe a pretty bruising situation. If it’s true it’s gone on for this long- if I am reading this right- and, if you were my friend in crisis- here is what I would say. It worries me that your first post back notes that you have always been sensitive. Are you thinking that your sensitivity is somehow to blame?</p>
<p>In many writings about women in business and the perspective we bring, it’s considered a liability (for us) that we so easily blame ourselves, seek to keep making more and more sacrifices, make some critical personal decisions based on empathy for others, etc. Your situation may not be what it is because you are sensitive and prone to tears at the wrong time. Things may not improve if you work harder, show more understanding, find better ways to express yourself to management- and go in with a better attitude. </p>
<p>If your posts had said that there is some fabulous trade-off in putting up with this situation, that’s one thing. Many women knock themselves out and end up crying from stress- but they get the hours they need to tend to a sick relative relative or their spouse is unemployed and the job keeps the family from bankruptcy or the employer pays the kid’s college tuition or they are only a short time from retirement. Is there some trade-off that makes this job okay? Makes having to pinch yourself okay?</p>
<p>Perhaps, when they finally hire the new manager, your efforts will be rewarded, life there will get easier and you’ll be praised by management for plowing through. That is so not what happened to me. My sister advice: either seek to have them rectify the woes (find the right approach and the right words) or prepare to move on. I know it’s hard, especially in these tough times.</p>