I’m a freshman in high school, and one of my best friends is suicidal. She attempted suicide right before midterms and was admitted to the local hospital. She came back to school in early January, and she’s been really stressed out. When I saw her today at a STEM conference, she gave me her blade (she cuts, too) and told me to hold onto it. That tiny piece of metal was broken and in the trash immediately. She was angry at me for a few minutes, but quickly got over it. In the last of the 4 sessions, she texted me saying that she wanted to call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline but was scared. She did end up calling, and she spoke for about half an hour. It’s looking like she’s going to be back in inpatient for suicidal ideation. To the best of my knowledge, she hasn’t done anything since then and is in inpatient at the moment. Problem is, she’s not allowed to text, so I’m out of contact with her most of the time. She’s got a pretty good support system, so I know she’s being taken care of. My question is: what do I do for the next few weeks? She’s not allowed to contact anyone other than family in inpatient, and I don’t think her parents would tell me or her other friends what’s going on. I’m starting to get super stressed about the whole thing. So, as people who have dealt with children or friends or students with MDD, what do you recommend?
Consider reaching out to her parents, and asking if she’s allowed to have visitors, and if not, if they can give you a status update.
Maybe a card (“thinking of you…”, “get well soon”) or a simple gift (flowers, candy)?
Hopefully you’ve got a good relationship with your own parents and can tell them what’s going on. They may be helpful.
Consider talking to a HS counselor, religious leader, trusted teacher or other adult.
I hope, too, that you feel comfortable talking to your parents about this. I know that if one of my children were enduring this challenge with a friend, I would want to know, she would want to tell me, and we’d both find the sharing of information to be comforting.
I am really sorry you have this burden to carry at your age and hope your friend gets well. The good news is she asked for help. Is there a reason the parents won’t update your or other friends, even with a simple “she is working to get better…” Perhaps they don’t know you or her other friends? This is not something that is fixed overnight, so maybe it is awkward for them to discuss, idk, but I think the source of your stress (besides the obvious) is not knowing what is going on. Perhaps your parent/guardian can contact her parents on your behalf and just let them know how much you care about her, and ask if there is anything you can do. An adult could certainly convey your support and that may be comforting for them while perhaps giving you some status. Is this something you can discuss with your parent(s)? I would also suggest seeing your school counselor right away. My daughter’s bff had a severe eating disorder in HS and her 100% support of this friend caused my daughter quite a bit of stress (always worrying about her, with it being life/death for quite awhile). I went in and told the counselor what was going on and they checked in with her regularly to make sure the burden wasn’t too much on her as well. When you share in a friend’s pain, you may need help too and that is totally normal and ok. Please find a support system for you too. Don’t get all tangled up in teenage gossip and drama, rise above all that in support of this friend.
You just have to feel good that she has a support system, called for help, and has friends like you waiting when she is ready to see that side of life again. Right now, she has some things to work through and it may take quite awhile. I wish you both well and big hugs.
I think it might be important for you to talk to a counselor. You are not responsible for your friend, and she clearly involved you to some extent in her illness. This creates some boundary issues. I am not suggesting you abandon her, of course, but that you get some help with guidelines on how much to be involved. Sometimes, we end up enabling when we are trying to help.
I really hope that she is in a good hospital that will help her get on some medication or medications that treat her depression. For your sake as well. Do you know she has MDD? Is it possible she has bipolar disorder? Some people have suicidal ideation as a form of OCD. I hope she has a good psychiatrist who can determine what is going on and the best way to treat.
While she is in the hospital, I don’t think you need to do anything. If she gets privileges, she can contact you. If you really want to and it is allowed, you could visit on a weekend when things are slow in the hospital, but maybe go with her parents or someone else to make it easier on you.
It is important to know that this is a true illness, and you cannot heal your friend, but you can be there to support in a way that does not enable her or hurt you, and it would be good for you to get some help figuring that out. This is a hugely upsetting thing to deal with at your age, so be good to yourself and talk to parents or counselor so you can get through this.
My daughter’s good friend attempted suicide last spring. Here’s what I’ve learned:
When you’re on an airplane, they do the “just in case” speech. And they tell you this: If the Oxygen masks drop down, you put yours on first. You can’t help anyone if you can’t breathe yourself. Once you’re OK, you’re able to help others.
So the first thing I want you to do is to speak to your parents-- today, Sunday. Then, tomorrow or the first day you have school, I want you to speak to your guidance counselor. It’s important that you learn that, as much as you love and want to help your friend, this is her issue. It’s not your fault, it’s not your responsibility. The choices your friend makes are hers, and there’s nothing you can really do to prevent her from cutting or threatening suicide. You can be her friend-- and it sounds as though you’re an awesome friend-- but you can’t be her conscience. It’s an important distinction, and one you’ll need to internalize ASAP.
You’ll need your parents to be aware of everything that’s going on. Again, you’re their first concern. Teens get weird when suicide is concerned; your parents will want to keep a good eye on your mental health as your friend goes through this very difficult time.
As far as what you do: well, for starters, you keep from posting anything online. If she has a cover story to explain her absence from school, great. If not, then she’s in the hospital and you’re fuzzy on the medical details. My daughter’s friend was supposedly visiting her mom – who was supposedly having medical issues-- in another state to explain her absence. That’s the story she chose-- my daughter merely confirmed that it was what she had heard.
Second, you do what you can to get the notes she’s missing if possible. When things return to a more normal state, she’d going to be behind in schoolwork. And if you two were at a STEM conference, I’m guessing her grades are important to her. So, while you don’t mention it now-- grades should be the least of her concerns right now-- it would be a huge favor if you can help her to eventually get caught up. But no talk about grades dropping or anything. My guess would be that grades will have to be de-emphasized as part of your friend’s recovery.
My guess is that you won’t be able to visit her in the hospital. At some point, she may be able to call or receive calls. You’ll want yours to convey that you love and miss her, and that you’re confident in her recovery. No teen drama about what kids are saying, just offer comfort. Lots of questions, so she can talk-- how’s the food, is she getting enough sleep, that kind of stuff. Tell her about your dog or your kid brother-- the normal, low stress things of everyday life. In the meantime, the suggestion of a card is a good one. Choose a humorous one, one that will make her smile and remind her that there are people who care about her.
And take care of yourself. Talk to your mom and dad today.
This is great advice, but I would disagree a little about helping your friend catch up. I do not think you should feel any responsibility for that, especially since you seem like a person who is sympathetic yet stressed by feelings of responsibility for your friend. Many psychiatric hospitals have high school classes or a social worker who will deal with the academic situation. The high school itself needs to accommodate her by providing a tutor, or by providing a way to either withdraw for the semester, or part of the semester, or to catch up (which would mean extensions, teachers providing info on material covered, make-up tests, and whatever other accommodations ensure you friend is not penalized for her illness). Your friend has legal rights under the Americans with Disabilities Act. Please don’t think that this is at all your responsibility.
Good point. I was thinking more along the lines of Xeroxing notes in any classes you share, but realize it’s not what I actually typed.
Compmom is right though. Getting caught up is something that others can take care of. As a teacher, I’ve had lots of kids who missed extended periods of time-- they always get caught up.
Your main responsibilities are in keeping yourself mentally healthy, and in not contributing to any online or in school speculation on why she’s absent.
All good advice above. Mine is simpler. Tell your parents and talk to them about how you feel. Take care of yourself. Talk to your friend’s parents. Just call and “check in”. Let them know you are thinking of your friend. If they ask, give them news about yourself and school and shared actives. If she is going to be out for an extended period of time, call her parents once a week to say hi.
You can’t do anything about her condition or schoolwork, but you can make sure she and her family knows you’re thinking of her.
I forgot to mention that I already have told my mom. And her close friends at school will likely know what’s going on without it even being discussed. I also don’t have any means to discuss it online with people at my school; this is the closest thing to a social media I have, and no other freshmen at my school other than me use it.
Her parents also aren’t the most supportive people in the world. They do take her to therapy and pay for mental-health related treatments and the like but are emotionally eh.
She was diagnosed with MDD last time she was in inpatient.
Thanks for the replies.
You are being a true friend. I don’t have anything more to suggest than what has been recommended here. Best wishes to your friend and to yourself!
Keep in mind though: what you know of her parents is tempered by the way she presents them. They may be a whole lot more supportive than you think.
Also keep in mind, there may be a difference between how they present themselves (emotionless, calm, matter-of-fact) and how they feel. I know I provoke a range of reactions in my daughter’s friends, ranging from frozen bunny look (apparently he’s afraid of me) to a smile and a hello. While they may be stiff with you, they may actually appreciate you expressing your concern to them. One thing I’ve discovered over the years, everyone likes it when someone checks in even if it’s just a quick Hello.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. She’s in good hands now, and you have to trust that the professionals know what they are doing. The best thing you can do as a friend is stay a friend. And if once she’s back with her family she ever expresses suicidal thoughts again, let her parents know, no matter what she says.