<p>I live in a residential neighborhood, and my neighbors’ homes are a few feet away from mine. This means that I often see them when I’m outside. </p>
<p>One of my neighbors keeps paying attention to me, and it’s making me uncomfortable. When I mow the lawn or take out the trash, he will suddenly come outside and say hello. He is always trying to strike up a conversation with me and doesn’t seem to take a hint.</p>
<p>Last year, he did something that really made me uneasy. I was mowing the lawn, and he suddenly came outside and asked me if I wanted some love. </p>
<p>Another time when I was trimming the hedges, he ordered me to trim his hedges as well. I refused, saying that I had a lot to do that day. </p>
<p>I am in my twenties, and he is in his 50s or 60s. I told my mother about it, and she agrees that it’s inappropriate. </p>
<p>What should I do about it? I want to confront him and notify his female companion who lives with him, but I wonder if that would worsen the situation. </p>
<p>I’m no expert on this but I think you should confront him the next time he says something innapropriate. Turn and face him and say calmly but firmly “That is innappropriate” or “you are being offensive. Stop making innappropriate comments”.
That might be all it takes. If it doesn’t stop, maybe a confrontation with your mom present will work.</p>
<p>Don’t worry about being polite. And, don’t be polite.</p>
<p>You could also say to him, “You’re disgusting, you know that?” At least then you’ve called him on it, and you’ve let him know what you think of him.</p>
<p>If he asks you to cut his hedges or mow his lawn or whatever, don’t tell him you’re “busy that day.” Tell him to go ***** himself. Stop being polite!!</p>
<p>Oh my. If you were our daughter we’d take this extremely seriously. It’s creepy and becoming harassment. Do you live alone? If you have a partner, then make sure s/he is aware. Do take it seriously.</p>
<p>It’s usually not a good idea to ratchet up the level of inappropriateness. In that sense, I disagree with some of the above advice. I would be direct, but not impolite or accusatory, even if you are right.</p>
<p>The guy doesn’t “take a hint” so don’t hint. But at the same time, don’t tell him to *** himself. You need not lose your dignity by getting into the gutter and given that you haven’t yet been direct and civil at the same time, that step is far more appropriate than being nasty and vulgar.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Never call this older man by his first name. He should always be Mr. *** when you talk to him. Keep generational distance.</p></li>
<li><p>You can be polite and firm. If he says anything even remotely suggestive, you should say firmly that you are not interested in that kind of conversation, that the conversation is offensive to you, and that you are not interested in anything implied by the conversation. Then be firm: “Mr. ***, as a decent man, I expect you to honor my wishes here.” Do not say anything about being flattered but not being interested. You’re not flattered so don’t say that.</p></li>
<li><p>For peace of mind, check your state’s sex offender registry. If his name appears in the registry, make an appointment with a local law enforcement officer and discuss the situation.</p></li>
<li><p>Finally, on the subject of vulgarity, if you use trashy language in confronting him one of two undesirable things may happen. He might be turned on by it, or he might hurl that language back at you and you could find yourself in an ugly, public situation.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>“Last year, he did something that really made me uneasy. I was mowing the lawn, and he suddenly came outside and asked me if I wanted some love.”</p>
<p>That sounds like sexual harrassment, and I would definitely ask the police if a complaint should be filed.</p>
<p>Do you have a father or older brother in the area? I know it is a sexist thing to say but I think a little man to man talk might help here. Absent that I would call the police and tell them you feel uncomfortable and get them to speak to him…</p>
<p>I agree that using a vulgar word is probably not the way to go. I rescind that portion of my advice.</p>
<p>But on the “being polite” thing –</p>
<p>As women, we are programmed to be “nice.” This man doesn’t deserve “nice”; he deserves to be called out on what he’s doing. Tell him that he’s disgusting and offensive, and that if he doesn’t stop harrassing you, your next call will be to the police.</p>
<p>The neighbor who harasses you is almost certainly doing this to other young women, as well. It’s perfectly appropriate to report it as harassment.</p>
<p>I agree with the advice given by speihei in #7. </p>
<p>Before calling the police (to the extent the man is not a registered sex offender, in which case the police should be informed), I would try to handle this by yourself or accompanies by a male family member or trusted friend, firmly. </p>
<p>Harassment can be quite difficult to prove, since generally the DA would have to prove that there was a pattern of harassment over a period of time that seriously worries the person who was harassed to the point that the harassed person suffers serious emotional distress (typically proven by having gone to visit doctors and/or psychiatrists). I don’t know that you would want to press charges (or that the DA would move forward with charges) under the circumstances you described, which could be denied or characterized as a misunderstanding by the neighbor. </p>
<p>Under the best of circumstances (assuming that you called the police and no charges were brought), you would certainly end up with some pretty poor relations with your neighbor that might have been avoided with a few stern words. Under the worst of circumstances, you could create a neighborhood firestorm. In either case, I don’t know that the police and/or DA would act.</p>
<p>Of course, if you speak to the neighbor (if he ever says anything again) and the harassment continues or escalates, then you should immediately call the police. Be sure to document the dates and times and words said each time anything is said to you by the neighbor.</p>
<p>One thing I’d be careful about, is whether this man, who is willing to be inappropriately verbally aggressive, could potentially become physically aggressive if you make him mad.</p>
<p>Perhaps you should make up an imaginary brother/uncle/father who is a physically huge cop and let your neighbor know about him if the situation allows.</p>
<p>I think people underestimate the trickiness of these types of situations for women. It’s not that we don’t recognize a “situation” when we encounter it, it’s more that we can’t be sure which response will end it and which will escalate it. </p>
<p>We have no way of knowing what is going on in this guy’s mind. Is he just an extreme moron or is he a potentially dangerous predator? Will he react to her response by leaving her alone or will he get angry and secretly vow to get even with her for disrespecting him?</p>
<p>One thing you do not want is to have a stalker type on your hands. The problem is that this is not within your control. If he is that kind of person, and sets his sights on you, it doesn’t much matter what you do or don’t do; it will not change his behavior. I think I would get a big guy to go talk to him. That may be enough to get him to look for easier prey.</p>
<p>I can’t say what might work with this inappropriate neighbor. However, I had this problem when I was your age. I would look them right in the eye, VERY unsmiling, and say “I beg your pardon?”</p>
<p>It was formal, so no misunderstanding that. For some reason guys didn’t like repeating out loud a line they already knew was inappropriate. Even the most ambiguous line, when repeated, seems to make the man feel stupid. Whenever I did it, the guy would either walk away or change the subject. </p>
<p>I would imagine it would work even better if you’re doing something that’s loud. Make more noise by turning the lawn mower back on, or rattling the trash cans, say it louder, and just see what he’ll do. I can’t imagine any neighbor yelling “do you want some love” in a loud voice over the sound of a lawn mower, for all the world to hear. </p>
<p>I don’t know if it will work for you, but you could give it a try.</p>
<p>I don’t want to sound like I’m excusing the guy’s behavior (because it is inexcusable) but it occurs to me that he might be in the early stages of dementia. Making inappropriate sexual comments is sometimes a sign of dementia.</p>
<p>I would definitely mention the comments to his female companion – she may have an inkling that his behavior is becoming bizarre, and this would give her more insight into it if he is, in fact, having a problem.</p>
<p>If the OP were my daughter, this is how I would handle it (and only if she agreed to this plan).</p>
<p>I would visit the police in person and put them on notice about this situation. Then I would go to the man’s house and visit him. I would tell him in polite but extremely concrete terms how unacceptable his advances are and how strenuously they are objected to. I would let him know the police have been apprised, and if he makes further advances (or does something else unacceptable) he will be hearing either from the police or my daughter’s attorney, or both, in addition to me.</p>
<p>But then I believe in being direct with people who aggress against younger/weaker persons.</p>
<p>“It’s not that we don’t recognize a “situation” when we encounter it, it’s more that we can’t be sure which response will end it and which will escalate it.” - Good point. Hmmm… any other neighbors that may have had similar encounters and could offer advise?</p>