<p>I just learned that the mother of our dear neighbor passed away, and there will be shiva at their house for the next three days. What can I send (or bring)? They are definitely not kosher. Flowers? Food?</p>
<p>Food is the traditional gift. A fruit platter would be very nice, rather than something that is difficult to save or store since many people bring or send food and it can be difficult to manage.</p>
<p>Here’s a good article explaining the tradition:
<a href=“http://www.interfaithfamily.com/life_cycle/death_and_mourning/How_to_Pay_A_Shiva_Call.shtml”>http://www.interfaithfamily.com/life_cycle/death_and_mourning/How_to_Pay_A_Shiva_Call.shtml</a></p>
<p>Thank you, oldmom, so much!</p>
<p>I’m glad I read that article. My first impulse (the wrong one, I now know) was to send flowers.</p>
<p>I ordered a platter of sandwiches from a very good local shop.</p>
<p>nice article. I learned a few things.</p>
<p>Thought I’d add that closest friends let me know they were sending trays, and asked what day would be best. Deli meat trays with bread, pickles, or cheese platters. Sandwiches would be great. Others brought fruit or a cake. Most sent a card with a note that $ had been contributed to a local charity.</p>
<p>Avoid cheese on the deli platter if the family or their guests are Orthodox. Better to err on the side of caution then to send something that they cannot use.</p>
<p>You are a wonderful person and neighbor. Traditionally people bring something sweet. Fruit, drinks (soda, wine whatever they like). And your presence is a true gift.</p>
<p>The guests are going to be neighbors (I saw the email list and, in any case, I know who their friends are - many are also my friends). I am pretty sure that no one is going to be Orthodox. I did arrange for some of the sandwiches to be vegetarian (this café is known for wonderful vegetarian sandwiches); one person in the family is vegetarian and I know that some of the other guests are, as well. Even if someone who is Orthodox is there, wouldn’t the person avoid eating food from non-kosher sources, even if there is no cheese on the roast beef sandwiches?</p>
<p>I did reply to the email to tell her that we’d be dropping off a platter of sandwiches about an hour before tonight’s shiva.</p>
<p>If I am aware that the family is going to receive plenty of deli food, I try to contribute something they can use later. If they have guests, bagels muffins cream cheese, assorted coffee and tea is useful for breakfast the next day.
NYMomof2: you are correct, they would not eat meat or prepared food that was not Kosher or prepared in a Kosher kitchen if they were Orthodox. Some Orthodox Jews are particular about the Hechter (Kosher label) as well. In this case, I would only bring food from a reputable Kosher source.
Fruit still in its peel is by definition Kosher, so a fruit basket with whole, uncut apples, oranges, would be appropriate.
It’s great that you notified the family so they can plan on the food. </p>
<p>NYMomof2, no worries. I am sure the sandwiches will be appreciated even if they are not exactly “right.” You said that your friends are not Kosher, and I’m sure they will find a way to use them.</p>
<p>Yes, it is the thought that counts in a situation like this. You want to show your support. </p>
<p>I make a cake and bring that. Fruit is a great idea.</p>
<p>Oldmom- what an incredibly helpful article. Thank you.</p>
<p>Yes, it’s a good article!</p>
<p>Is there any chance you can talk to someone in the family? We had more than enough food two years ago on the first day, but less for the second and third days. Perhaps they can tell you when food would be needed. We appreciated dessert trays too, and cheese/cracker types of trays. Some folks really just wanted a little snack. </p>
<p>I think the sandwiches will be appreciated. Sometimes the table gets overflowing with sweets and it is nice to have some real food.
Just remember no ham.</p>
<p>Good job, NYMomof2. I’m sure that the family will appreciate whatever you sent. Some people will pay a shiva call following work and may be hungry and it’s possible that the family will put them out on the table for guests to eat. Most people do bring in cookies, cake, brownies, etc., the sandwiches are a nice touch.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone who posted - I am glad to learn that whole unpeeled fruit is kosher; I hadn’t realized that. I will keep that in mind for the future. Whole fruit is very practical, it keeps for several days. No one who is kosher would eat anything from my neighbors’ kitchen, believe me. The sandwich platters were beautiful. They made 3, one with vegetarian sandwiches, the other two were not. There was no ham, but chicken, turkey, etc. Each platter was wrapped in cellophane with ribbon, and the sandwiches were in pyramids, very pretty. I think some people will want to eat solid food, because the 3 shiva nights are 6-9 on weeknights. I wish I’d thought to ask which nights they needed food - that was a good suggestion - but I wanted to do something right away. The family member died only this morning so I imagined that not everyone would see the email right away, and most people would not send things until tomorrow or the next day. We will be visiting tomorrow night.</p>
<p>Yes fruit baskets are a great idea. So is a frozen meal for the future (label what it is and when it was made and place it in a disposable container). </p>
<p>I hope this isnt the neighbor wit the chain linked fence!!!</p>
<p>If you are good friends with this neighbor, consider the following- it was a hugely helpful gift. A friend came over and helped me write the thank you notes for all the items and donations I received when each of my parents died. A different friend helped with this when each of my parents p-assed away, but in each case they were able to write the notes to people who wouldnt know their handwriting wasnt my handwriting. I had made the list of the items, and wrote the sentiment/thank you note content that they wrote in the cards. But it is such an emotionaly overwhelming time- that gift is one that stays with me to this day.</p>