<p>My id says it all. I’m scared. Have 20 yr old daughter who has attended local jr college, first year free on sport scholarship, decided to move home attend local center for fall classes, then switch to expensive 4-yr for spring semester. She dropped or failed all fall classes and we just found out failed all spring classes.
She is facing a tremendous about of debt right now.
Any ideas from other parents?</p>
<p>Money is not the only issue. She met a boy who lives 6 hours away and only lives to talk on the phone to him. Or, travel by train to see him. It’s like an obsession.
She is working ( close to being fired due to missing work) and living at home, but I am at a loss at how to address these problems. She is no longer a child, but acting like one.
I’m very upset, so please forgive grammar mistakes.
I can’t seem to find any posts that deal with this. Can anyone please help me?</p>
<p>I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It must be incredibly hard for you. I’m not sure what counsel I can give, but it seems to me that your daughter is one who must learn the hard way that choices have consequences. She is 20, which means she is an adult, but her brain isn’t finished growing yet (pre-frontal cortex, which helps people plan ahead and anticipate outcomes and avoid risk, doesn’t finish maturing until the mid-20s). It seems like she needs help with connecting her behaviors to their negative outcomes (i.e. not going to class or work leads to failing or being fired). She might also not understand where the bottom line is in your home. In other words, will you be asking her to help pay rent and expenses while she lives at home; what happens if she doesn’t? Will you be paying her debts off; what happens if you don’t? </p>
<p>It seems like she needs to talk to a counselor, some neutral third-party who can help her see her situation, her past choices and her future options. As a mom, I know that I would probably be far too upset with her to have that kind of discussion, or at least to have it be productive.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear of your situation. Assuming you can rule out substance abuse and some other emotional situation that may require counseling, you should proceed very cautiously. What you do now may impact her negatively and change the nature of your relationship forever. With this being said, don’t create a environment where anger and resentment are the basis for your actions. Be very calm, parental and adult about it. Suggest that as she is out of school now that it would only be appropriate that she pay expenses while not going to school and not showing progress. If you are “cold” in the process you will create great distance. What you are trying to do is bring her back and making small amounts of progress can be great progress. The whole “tough love” approach has alot of support among today’s parents but the wedge it creates sometimes moves the child much quicker to desperation. The relationship she has sounds like she is drawn to it because she is lost and lonely. There is merit to the approach that says she must “hit bottom” or “figure it out herself.” Help her to do that. Facilitate and don’t force her into the wrong direction.</p>
<p>Are you having her pay rent and for her other expenses?</p>
<p>My older S dropped out of college, and ended up living rent free with m childless SIL who thought she was being kind to allow S to live rent free even though H and I told her to charge him a reasonable rent. S – who up to that time had been industrious about work – started a rock band and used his meager earnings from that to party.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until SIL retired and moved away that S realized how little his earnings could pay for. He moved with two friends to another city, got a job, a nice apartment, and he and friend kicked out of the apartment their roommate, who wouldn’t work or pay rent</p>
<p>While S hasn’t returned to college, he is being responsible about supporting himself.</p>
<p>S was very angry with H and me for a long time and didn’t communicate with us, but after a while, he reestablished ties, and seems to truly understand that what had seemed to him like our being mean (by not giving him money or a car to support himself) was our being loving parents who wanted him to become responsible.</p>
<p>OP - You could be talking about my neighbor’s D (except for the debt). Five courses, five Fs. It’s really hard for adults to “fix” this problem because “tough love” solutions are often interpreted as “You hate me.” I’d suggest you work up to “tough love” gradually, not only to hold onto your D’s trust, but also because it seems clear she’s not ready to take care of herself just yet. Good luck. God Bless.</p>
<p>Ahhhh. I feel your pain. We think we are doing everything to raise our children right and then things like this happen. It’s not the worst a student can do, and its not the end of the world. </p>
<p>Most important is to keep the lines of communication open, try and understand what is going on, are there issues of depression or unhappiness? Kids find themselves in a lot of situations that they are not equipped to handle, but yet feel like there is no-one to turn to.</p>
<p>Speak firmly, come up with what your expectations are now that she has made these choices, does she owe you rent, can she saunter in and out as she pleases, or drive your car, is she responsible for household chores etc…Yet, speak with love and warmth. No anger.</p>
<p>If she would go to counseling, I would recommend that. Whether or not she goes to counseling, I would recommend counseling for you. I think counseling can help you figure out what to do to help your daughter and how to handle the emotional distress you are experiencing.</p>
<p>I second the suggestions to go to counseling. I was so heartbroken about my S that I literally ended up being hospitalized for chest pains, which ended up being due to depression. Counseling helped me enormously including helping me realized that S’s unwise decisions about his life weren’t my fault.</p>
<p>What I’m reading between the lines is depression. Failed a whole bunch of classes (did she attend class??) and now not going to work? If she were my d I would get her into counseling ASAP!</p>
<p>Thank you all for caring enough to respond.
Sometimes it helps just to hear other stories and know that I am not alone. I know it could be so much worse and I keep trying to remind myself of that fact.
I have already started to firmly, ease off and speak softly.No more drilling.</p>
<p>If you feel that a change of tone or approach is order, perhaps you could consider speaking with your D about that. Perhaps you could tell her what you plan to change, and why, and get her thoughts and feelings about your new and/or old approach.</p>