Help with dealing with my mother and her eventual "empty nest."

Parent Cafe
1

<p>So, I’m not a parent at all. I’m an 18 year old senior who has just finished sending off his college applications, having being accepted to one already under an EA plan (yay for Lewis and Clark!) and am curious of the future and eager to begin a new phase in my life.</p>

<p>My mother loves me dearly, and I love her as well. My parents divorced several years ago, and with my mother having main custody of me, she has seen alot of me and I have become the focus of all her attention. She is a little over protective and very attached to me. </p>

<p>And, I really do not mean to divulge to much into my personal history here, but I really am the culmination of all her hopes. She had tried to have children several times before having me, but failed a few times, and I was even born 3 months prematurely. I am her one and only and she cares for me very much.</p>

<p>But lately, the knowledge of my leaving her next year is getting to her. Every day is an emotional pouring (on both sides, actually.) Though I’m excited for the future, I’m also nervous. My mother is just being torn apart by the prospect of me leaving the nest. I’m trying hard to tell her that nothing will change in our relationship, that I still love her, etc. But she is very emotional, and now gets upset if I can’t, for example, go out to dinner because I’m working on a project or am watching a movie or something. </p>

<p>She’s realizing she’s losing me, and through that, she is becoming emotionally unstable. My mother loves me and I love her, but I don’t want our “last” months at home together to be ones of emotional turmoil.</p>

<p>How have other high school graduates and parents dealt with such issues? Any advice? Don’t misunderstand, I feel somewhat aware of what my mother is going through. I thank her for all she does for me. But I don’t want my inevtibale actions of leaving to bring her down so much.</p>

2

<p>OniLawliet, I am a mother of two sons, the second of whom is in your situation and will be leaving home soon. He being the “baby” of the family is very attached to me and vice versa. What you and your mother are going through is very natural and expected. The majority of parents on C C have gone through the “empty nest” syndrome, or will be experiencing it in the near future. It is a process that one needs to go through with and all the emotions that come with it. I would recommend a book for your mom called “Letting Go” by Coburn and Treeger that I found to be very useful when my older son went to college 3 years ago. Actually the book was recommended by my son’s High School College counselor! I am planning on reading the book again as well. i hope this helps.</p>

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<p>You are very thoughtful, but I think your mother will want this to not be your problem. Focus on you and your success in college!</p>

4

<p>hello,
your situation is similar to mine and my daughter’s and what we went through about three years ago as she was preparing to go away to college. what seemed to work for me was for she and I would talk about how I was going to fill my time when she was away. she set up an online journal for me. I visited this website regularly. there are a great group of parents here who are very generous with advice and encouragement for fellow parents including empty nesters.<br>
In the past 2 1/2 years since she went away to college, I have recognized the greatest satisfaction was having my only child succeed on her own and enjoy her college experience. there were many instances of her high school classmates going away to school and then returning to local colleges after their first year. Among so many other of her accomplishments, one I was most proud of was her courage to find her own way.<br>
I hope your mom recognizes that having a child who can succeed away from the nest is the culmination of a good childhood. I wish you and your mom all the best - you two have done a good job.
good luck!!</p>

5

<p>I went thru empty nest last year but I have to say, and I don’t mean to worry you, your mother sounds a bit more extreme. Perhaps it’s because I have more children and am busy with them and your mother realizes that with you gone there is only her, especially if she has divorced your father.</p>

<p>I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. Empty nest is normal but what caught my eye in your post is you said your mother is becoming emotionally unstable and that is what concerns me as I can’t tell if that is something truly serious or just your wording. If you feel your mother might harm herself, then it is time to get help. Perhaps she is depressed and the thought of you leaving is the straw breaking the camel’s back? Do you have a counselor at school you can talk with and who can maybe talk to your mother? And even though they are divorced, would your father be of any help? Having a divorce is a big loss in your mother’s life and you leaving soon makes for another loss of sorts even if you assure her you will always love her. </p>

<p>That being said, your mother should not be emotionally blackmailing you. You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness and you sound like a wonderful son to be so concerned but it is something SHE has to deal with it without worrying you so much.</p>

<p>You might google “empty nest syndrome” and see if you can find some tips on dealing with this. I did that and found this which I think pertains to your situation:
<<<by continuing=“” to=“” call=“” them=“” continuously,=“” demand=“” visits,=“” etc.,=“” you=“” are=“” taking=“” a=“” “pain=”" pill"=“” instead=“” of=“” dealing=“” with=“” your=“” own=“” issues.=“” realize=“” that=“” holding=“” him=“” her=“” back=“” this=“” behavior=“” just=“” so=“” can=“” get=“” quick=“” fix.=“” do=“” really=“” want=“” sabotage=“” child’s=“” success=“” by=“” making=“” worry=“” about=“” how=“” doing?=“”>>>>
You can read more here:
[Dr</a>. Phil.com - Advice - Empty Nest](<a href=“http://drphil.com/articles/article/105/]Dr”>http://drphil.com/articles/article/105/)
Maybe this is something you’d like to show to your mom? I don’t know how busy your mother is or what other duties/activities/friends she has in her life but any of those things would be very helpful in her dealing with you going away. </by></p>

<p>She should be very proud you are concerned enough to ask for advice but I also ask that you not feel guilty at going away and beginning a new chapter in your life. I’m sure your mother would hate the alternate scenario of you staying home with no ambition or prospects for your future. Good luck, your mother will always be your mother, you will always be her son and things have a way of working out but I encourage you to seek help if you really feel this is more than just a phase that most parents encounter when their child leaves home.</p>

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<p>OniLawliet: You sound like such a thoughtful son. Your mom is lucky to have you. I have had some empty nest issues as I have one D (and two stepsons) and pretty much focused on her and her activities and friends during her jr. high and high school years. It does leave rather a hole in your life when that young adult goes off to college. </p>

<p>What has helped me is that my D stays in close touch with me. I don’t call her very often, but she calls me almost every day, often for just 5 minutes or less. I know that might be too much contact for many college kids, but it works great for us, and I still feel part of her life. Maybe if you tell your mom you’ll call her twice a week or email every other day or some sort of definite thing like that, then that might help.</p>

<p>I do think you would benefit from some counseling sessions to help you learn to deal with your mom, as this might be something you have to face all through your adult years. You have to move away and become an adult with your own life, and it doesn’t sound like your mom is really OK with that. </p>

<p>I also had a very hard time establishing myself as an independent adult separate from my mother. She didn’t want to let any of her Ds grow up, and it was very difficult. I did go to counseling in college for that but I wish I had been able to talk to a counselor sooner about how to get through the process.</p>

7

<p>This past August my wife and I were sitting around the house on a Sunday evening feeling very blue about our daughter leaving home for College in a year. What we do with an empty house? More hobbies, more golf, gardening?</p>

<p>Seperately, and unknowingly, we decided to get each other a house dog. I bought my wife a Boston Terrier, and she bought me a french Bulldog. Quickly we found that they consumed our time and feel that we have solved our empty nest blues!</p>

<p>So my suggestion is to buy your mom a nice house dog, it will offer her companionship.</p>

8

<p>You are very sweet to be so concerned.</p>

<p>Bottom line: she will be OK.</p>

<p>It is part of our job description to be left by our children. It does not make it any easier, but it really is what is supposed to happen. I imagine that your mother is accustomed to sharing her feelings with you because of your circumstances and special closeness. But really, this is an emotion that many of us experience to one degree or another. I, for instance, felt like I was walking around with a hole in my heart. </p>

<p>I understand your concern and compassion. Try to remember that she raised you to be an independent, complete, successful adult. Taking the next step in that journey does not make you insensitive to her sadness. </p>

<p>BTW, your relationship with your mom will NOT be the same. But it can be really very good as you become the interesting adult you can be.</p>

9

<p>Are you financially dependent on you Mom for college? If so, this maybe a long drawn out process unless you can help your Mom get some control over these emotions, especially if she is at the brink like you have described.</p>

<p>Whatever happens, you will be well advised to understand that trying to control a person (including a child) through emotional meltdowns, tirades and threats can be an illness/disorder. And, it is not going to be easy for you.</p>

<p>You might consider whether to directly address with her that you are beginning to feel that she is trying to hold you as an emotional hostage. Ask her to consider what she is feeling and doing and seek professional help. If the conduct is as you have indicated, this isn’t just “normal” pre-empty nest conduct.</p>

<p>Good luck. No one deserves to have the “fight” to be able to leave the nest to make his own life. And, whether or not your Mom can truly understand this, your relationship with her will be wounded (severely if not mortally) if she makes your leaving come at such a cost to you emotionally.</p>

10

<p>Thank you all for your advice. To answer a few quick questions, my mother already has a house dog that she (and I, actually) is attached to. My father is paying for my undergraduate education, and assuming I go to graduate school (which I’m planning on) my mom will pay for that. I am not in need of fin.aid, so I feel quite fortunate. By extension, I am thrilled to go to college not only because I am eager to continue learning, but also because my parents have raised me well, are offering me an excellent opportunity, and I want to show them how successful I can be.</p>

<p>I think I will buy my mom that book, maybe for my father too (but he is not as emotionally erratic as my mom currently is). I think that, honestly, she just feels lonely as it is with my parents being divorced, and even though she has a partner, she sees me as her life and hopes. I am excited to start something new, but am worried about leaving my mom in the wake of my excitement. I don’t want her to become hurt or uneasy when I mention res life forms, or various college acceptances, etc.</p>

<p>Thank you everyone for all your advice.</p>

11

<p>Oni, I especially like the advice that 07DAD gave you. If you have to give up things you want to do in order to appease your mother’s anxiety/tears etc. then that is NOT normal empty nest. </p>

<p>It is not emotionally healthy for her or for you to be seen as your mother’s life and hopes. That is too much pressure for anyone to bear much less someone who is 18 and just starting out on their own. Of course you are a huge part of your mother’s life but you should NOT be everything in her life. She should have her own hopes and dreams that don’t include you and she needs to separate herself from you so you can have a healthy mother/son relationship. </p>

<p>Your mother should not be hurt or uneasy when you mention anything related to college acceptances or dorm life or what have you. Sadness is normal, but trying to control what you do and making you feel guilty or worried about her if you don’t do as she wants is NOT normal. At your age, you should be able to watch a movie or work on projects, see friends or whatever as long as you have fulfilled whatever role you have at home and that role should not be holding your mother’s hand to get her through this time of transition. </p>

<p>You should both have some bit of anxiety about the soon-to-be-change in your life, but it should not extend to having to babysit her or feel guilty about this change in any respect. </p>

<p>Perhaps with your dad gone, your mother has not been able to set healthy boundaries for a parent/child relationship and if she is unable to do that, then you can expect much more of this type of thing in the future, whether that is college or even getting married someday. This needs to be taken care of and not ignored because you both want to be happy and have a good relationship in the future, but if she can’t separate herself from you in the proper way, then my advice is to please find some professional help. Perhaps you have a trusted teacher who can give advice? Don’t ignore it because it won’t go away. Each time you appease her, you are just giving her a “fix” which only lasts until the next time. It doesn’t solve the real problem.</p>

<p>Good luck, you sound like a mature young man.</p>

12

<p>While you are researching all of this, getting your copy of “Letting Go” and so on, be sure to take a moment to read up on Menopause or peri-Menopause.
This lifechange for women, ending menstruation, has a large hormonal component as well that can go on for years. Nobody knows exactly which age it will occur, and the “peri-” build-up to this change can be a 5 year pre-event!</p>

<p>It coincides with the empty nest years for so many moms.</p>

<p>The hormonal changes include symptoms such as weepiness and sadness, plus hot flashes and emotional rollercoasters.</p>

<p>So just throw that into you understanding of what might be troubling your mom. She might be weeping even if you WEREN’t leaving soon, is what I’m saying. Some of her issues could be medical, and make everything else happening in her life (your imminent departure) feel even harder for her to manage!</p>

13

<p>I second the idea of a house dog. Or a cat, if she wants a lower maintenance but still interesting animal.</p>

14

<p>35 years ago (ancient history!) the Mom of a friend of mine could not adjust as her 3 D’s (each 2 years apart) left for college. She was evaluated and treated for severe depression. 20 years later, the eldest D divorced shortly before her first child went to college. This D, like her Mom before her, also “couldn’t adjust” and was diagnosed and treated for severe depression.</p>

<p>I’m far from a medical specialist, but seems to me that these major life changes may have triggered something that leads to difficulties beyond “situational depression”. I’d encourage you Mom to see a professional.</p>