help with essay

[mattistotle]

<p>hey heres my essay, i just finished my rough draft, i know its bad, but i dunno what to improved
feel free to rip me a new one, i need it</p>

<pre><code>Hundred’s of people crowded in the room, paying their last respects to this great man. A man everyone loved and respected, a man who had overcome so much, had died. But he was more than just a man to me, he was my grandfather. Though this man has perished from this earth; the morals and values he instilled upon me and others, and the happiness he brought so many is still alive today.

I spent nearly every weekend of my childhood hearing his stories, witnessing his acts of kindness, and seeing the love and respect people showed him. Even from a young age he did more than was required of him, winning a bronze start in World War 2. Rising above the call of duty was something he did outside of war also. He worked longer hours, yet always found time for his family and the community. He ran the Little League Baseball program for decades, did endless charity work for his church, and even took care of his neighbor’s daughter for nearly two years when her mother had a drug problem. He was an all around good guy: if he saw an injured animal in the street, he would bring it the veterinarian and pay for the treatment; if he saw a homeless person in need of money, he’d give them money without a thought.
</code></pre>

<p>He was an intelligent man, and could’ve probably gone great places and accumulated great wealth; however, this was not what was important to him. He’d rather experience the joy of helping a friend in need, instead of buying that big screen television. He knew what was important in life; being nice and respectful to your fellow man. Money cannot buy happiness, but being loved by the whole community sure does. He showed me this often ignored truth through his many stories and through the many experiences we shared. He taught me to always be kind and benevolent towards all and to always do what is right. Having money is great, but having character is what is important. If it were not for him, I would not be the person I am today. I would be the average misguided intellectual, looking to get rich at any way possible, not respecting my friends and family, and not realizing how to find true happiness</p>

[mattistotle]

<p>heeeeeeeelp</p>

[LSA]

<p>well, the first word shouldn't have an apostrophe :)</p>

[ughstinkysocks]

<p>i liked it b/c of the details... it made the esssay come alive....</p>

[bettina]

<p>Well it's a good start. The middle is pretty good, a nice tribute. Try to work on the begining and ending. </p>

<p>For the ending, I don't like that you put down nameless people you don't even know. And it seems a big leap to think you would be like that. I'd try to talk about what you do to emulate and honor him.</p>

<p>The opening is awkward. I'd rather see "When my grandfather died, he was so well loved and respected that hundreds of people..." then you can get rid of the next 2 sentences, which are not needed.</p>

[pebbles]

<p>Hm... it started off very well, then you lost my interest. I think it's because the story never really went anywhere. You just kept talking about his qualities in a not very structured way. Repeating the same things in different ways many different times. You can definitely cut down a LOT of those descriptions and comparisons and use the last half of the essay to relate it to YOURSELF. Not just that you realized you must be "nice and benevolent" (BAD BAD BAD adjectives to use in college essay -- sounds like you're in 3rd grade and then pulled out a thesaurus), but how has it impacted you as a person, in your past, in your present (what in the world is the "average misguided intellectual?"... maybe you shouldn't make generalizations like that in your essay); how WILL he impact you in your future?</p>

[mattistotle]

<p>As Samuel Johnson once stated "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good," and by this measure my grandfather was a giant. </p>

<p>is this a good final line?</p>

<p>Pebbles, i know the grammar and spelling is bad, im worrying about that last, like write now im just trying to get the basic structure down, but ya i agree theres alot of repeititon, but what else can i add to this? whered it lose your interest?</p>

[slipstream99]

<p>I don't think any essay has ever kept pebbles's interest.</p>

[Mandi]

<p>Well, the colleges will know a lot about your grandfather and nothing about you.</p>

<p>You might want to tell about an experience the two of you shared, or something that will demonstrate your own personality.</p>