Help With Princeton Essay Pls =)

<p>This is my essay so far . . . I still need to add a conclusion. Be as brutal as possible . . . thanks</p>

<pre><code>Alright Matt, my mother paused momentarily to consider her question, can you tell me Barry Larkin's batting average, home runs, and RBIs in 1988? And without the slightest hesitation, I regurgitated one of the thousands of statistics I had memorized from the back of my Starting Lineup baseball cards. 301, seven home runs, and sixty-seven RBI's, I responded proudly in an ebullient five year-old voice.


<p>From this early point in my life up until a year ago, I equated a superior understanding of baseball with a proficient knowledge of meaningful baseball statistics. Batting average, RBIs, stolen bases, fielding percentage these were the statistical categories I presumed to be the primary determinants of baseball prowess. Learning these numbers and appreciating them had always been a sort of mindless obsession of mine. This was until last summer, when I read Moneyball by Michael Lewis. The book transformed my interest in baseball statistics from a personal hobby into a full-fledged intellectual endeavor. Moneyball taught me that in baseball, as in life, one must strive to elicit truth from that which is blindly accepted without thought or reason.
Moneyball mirrors the history of ancient Greek philosophy except Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle are under the pseudonyms of Bill James, Sandy Alderson, and Billy Beane. The book tells the story of how these baseball theorists challenged the value system of the baseball establishment, and how Beane, the general manager of the Oakland Athletics, was able to construct one of the strongest teams in baseball despite having the league's second lowest payroll.
Like most naive baseball enthusiasts, I defined the best teams as those that boasted an amalgam of maple-wielding gargantuans, Roadrunner clones, and men with peashooters for arms. But over the hundred year history of professional baseball, the only statistic that correlates directly with winning is runs scored. So then, how does a baseball team create runs? Traditional wisdom would suggest effective hitters with a knack for performing in clutch? situations, but when one considers this question logically, the answer is simply avoiding an out. A team with an on-base percentage of 1.000 will score an infinite number of runs.<br>
Moneyball instilled in my thinking a sort of Nietzschean skepticism toward established institutions, or at least toward baseball dogma. New and perplexing questions surfaced in my mind. Instead of asking how many errors a player committed, I question the definition of the word error itself. </p>


<p>what was the prompt? so I can comment on your essay ;)</p>

<p>Hey, the prompt was:</p>

<p>What is your most profound or surprising intellectual experience? </p>


<p>"From this early point in my life up until a year ago, I equated..."</p>

<p>sounds kind of awkward. try something simpler like "I had always equated..."</p>

<p>"Moneyball mirrors the history of ancient Greek philosophy except Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle are under the pseudonyms of Bill James, Sandy Alderson, and Billy Beane. "</p>

<p>poorly constructed sentence. consider splitting into two sentences.</p>

<p>"boasted an amalgam of maple-wielding gargantuans" O_O amalgam? I honestly don't know what that means... and therefore I think using simpler words would help you (you want to sound down-to-earth, not pompous).</p>

<p>Overall, your essay was decent, but as it is it probably wouldn't get you into princeton. There are some other grammar mistakes as well, so read closely. Though baseball is a rather unique college essay topic, your essay is presented in a SOMEWHAT uninteresting way. There are a lot of names being thrown around. There's not enough about YOU as a person, as there is about what the book moneyball was about. College essays need to focus on YOU. How have you changed, what MADE you the way you are? You started touching on the subject then you faded to talking mainly about the book and what you LEARNED from it. I'm not sure that's what the prompt is asking you to do. Of course, they want you to identify the experience and describe it, but I believe it mainly wants to hear HOW HAS IT CHANGED YOU AS A PERSON, not as a baseball fan, but as a person. Perhaps link it to your life in general, give some examples in your life in which you were able to look at things a different way (look past the numbers or rigid stats) because of what you learned from thsi experience.</p>

<p>Hope I helped a little. :)</p>

<p>Where did you get that topic? lol its not on this year's Princeton Application</p>

<p>that's what i was it a common app prompt?</p>

<p>I don't think that's a common app prompt =&lt;/p>

<p>but of course none of my schools use the common app... so I wouldn't know ;)</p>

<p>oh lucky you! actually i hate the common app but filling out those forms gets tedious.</p>

<p>lucky?? O_o</p>

<p>I get to fill out 8 DIFFERENT appliactions instead of filling out ONE and then mailing copies to 8... And i get to write for different essay prompts and everything :(</p>

<p>I was being really sarcastic...
I have eight schools too, and I'm using the common app for... two of them. Yay i get to write one less! grrr</p>

<p>What schools are you applying to?</p>

<p>Haha OK it's really hard to tell online. There are some people actually dense enough on here not to know anything that is going on.</p>

<p>I'm doing early action at MIT. And that's my only EA</p>

<p>that's the one I'm stressing out most about, deadline is COMINGggg...gGGG..G.</p>

<p>hahahahahaa 2 weeks til DEADLINE! WHOOO NOVEMBER 1st!</p>

<p>It's actually from the Duke app but I'm using it for other colleges . . . any other brutal feedback? Thanks for those who posted already</p>

<p>Well, I am no baseball expert, which means I am a good reader for your essay, which may be read by an adcom who knows very little about baseball aside from the obvious 3 strikes, etc. I found it hard to see how you got to your last paragraph. I agree with Pebbles' comments and think the solution is to develop the last paragraph and explore those questions you raise in light of your own life experience.</p>

<p>Thanks . . . I still have to write the last paragraph.</p>

<p>It sounds like a book report, it is in response to a prompt about reading an influential book? I think it is important to show something you think, as opposed to just regurgitating the book's message. </p>

<p>I really hate essays that open with dialogue. HS kids are not taught how to write dialogue in school so why do they want to start in their college essays? I think it makes for a weak open. You could dive right into "By the time I was five, I knew....</p>

<p>Good idea . . . thanks for the input. Any other suggestions?</p>

<p>On a scale of 1-10, what would you rate this essay so far?</p>

<p>The essay is unusual and I can see where you are going with this. I'd like congratulate you in having an untraditional outlook on things. But the book consumes a lot of the essay. I would expand the last few sentences into how you now have a Nietzchean contempt of large business institutions and their goals. Why it has changed your life goals to pursue something more meaningful (if I understand what you are trying to say). My point is, baseball statistics and the book consumes the essay so that the main point is obscured. </p>

<p>It is going to be hard if your word count is already more than what Princeton wants (does it?). Although, I've heard that the Princeton app. does not mention a word count.</p>

<p>Honestly I think your essay is mediocre and not Princeton caliber.. Your writing is 12th grade level, yet you use a post-grad vocabulary (and randomly mind you). I'd suggest making your sentences more concise and more colorful.</p>