<p>I feel guilty writing for help because I haven’t been helping anyone here lately, but here goes. My 13 1/2 year-old S is at an all-boys summer camp and is miserable! It is not the usual case of homesickness. He has been going to camp since he was 8 and he’s been fine. This is his second year at this particular camp, and he was really excited about going. Yesterday (a week and one day into camp), we got three letters form him telling us how miserable he is and how he wants to go home. He mentioned that all the kids are older than him (the closest in age is 5 months older. One letter said “this is a letter of desperation.” I talked to him on the phone last night and he told us his cabinmates are really crass (lots of sex talk and potty language) and he has no friends. He is really freaked out and crying all the time! He tells us that nothing has happened to him and I believe him. I also spoke to the camp director who has been very supportive and kind. S really wants to come home now (the camp session is 4 weeks long… ends July 22). I told him to wait 24 hours to see how he felt, and he seemed really sad. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep all night!</p>
<p>By the way, his younger brother (age 12) is there also and appears to be having a great time.</p>
<p>I’d bring him home if he’s truly miserable. Who knows what’s going on. My son got really homesick at camp once and I did not bring him home. I still think about that and regret it.</p>
<p>So sorry, cm. I know from experience (long ago) how disconcerting it is to get that batch of “help, help” letters. What puzzles me about your son’s experience is that he is a veteran camper who has had good camp experiences in the past. In my household, the “get me outa here” letters came from a first-time camper who was having trouble making the initial adjustment. Is it possible that your son has just drawn a cabin of particularly icky kids? Is there another 13-year-old cabin that he might be able to transfer into?</p>
<p>Since he’s only 13, would he be happier (and would it be possible) to put him in the group with his bro (12 year old group?). One year is not that much of a difference, especially since it’s common at school to have 13/14 year olds and 12 year olds in the same grade.</p>
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<li><p>One of the great things about camp is it teaches you to work your problems out with peers without parental involvement. Parental involvement, no matter how well-meaning, interferes with that. Obviously, there are limits (safety, physical illness), but it doesn’t sound like you are near that here.</p></li>
<li><p>One of the (great? not-so-great? depends . . . ) things about all-boys camp is that it teaches you a lot of sex talk and potty language.</p></li>
<li><p>Lots of discussion with one of my neighbors about this last summer, when her 12 year-old had this reaction. She left him there (fighting daily about it with her ex, who wanted to bring the kid home after three days), and by the end of the time he was happy and excited about going back. Her mother, 50-some years ago, got taken out of camp when she got homesick, and resented her parents for years for doing that.</p></li>
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<p>Thank you PrimeTimeMom, WJB and Doubleplay!</p>
<p>It is puzzling that he is going through this as a veteran camper. I do believe he has a particularly eecky cabin which seems to be much more “advanced” that S is. S went to his yearly check up a few weeks before camp, and the doctor told me that he is about to enter into puberty…maybe that’s part of the problem.</p>
<p>I suggested that he move to another cabin at the end of our conversation last night, so we didn’t discuss it fully. However, when the director called me back (to recap after I spoke to S), he said that S told him on the way back to his cabin that he didn’t want to change cabins. I don’t know if he said that because he has already given up on the whole thing or what. I am supposed to talk to S again tonight (I don’t know if I can wait that long!)</p>
<p>curiousmother,
I have a now 15 year old S who had been to a camp which he loved for 3 years already when he returned for the 4th year last summer, at age 14. I got terrible letters and postcards from him. “I don’t know whether this isn’t just a waste of my time. I can’t stand the guys here,” etc. He stayed for the full seven weeks, it was his decision, and after he came home he denied that things had been so bad! Even when confronted with his letters! I can’t help but think that it isn’t the greatest thing to be talking to him on successive nights. You will be getting to hear all the bad stuff, as we moms do! How often is he permitted to call you? My gut instinct is that since you don’t think that anything “bad” has happened to him, I would really wait another week before making any decision to remove him. </p>
<p>Is he in a bunk with kids he has been to camp with before? If so, does he think that these kids have changed for the worse? It is really such an obnoxious age, and my kid had lots of problem with this, too.</p>
<p>While I somewhat agree with momof3 sons I also wonder a bit about bullying or some kind of abuse by older kids or a staff member. Dont disregard this cal lfor help, but see if you can get a better read on it and if things are still really bad by this weekend bring him home.</p>
<p>Under normal circumstances, kids are prohibited form speaking to their parents (even on birthdays), but the director felt that his desperation called for a phone call. I asked for a second call today for my sanity as much as for his. He just sounded sooo incredibly sad. But it does make me feel better that your son went through something similar and made it!</p>
<p>My S is a very bright boy who tends to overthink things. He attends a small private all-boys school, and he is very sheltered. I wish my H and I had had the sex talk with him before he left for camp (we did a long time ago and he probably didn’t understand half of it)…And now he’s hearing all these “scary” things. But it’s not just that. He said the boys are just really stupid. They get their jollies making fun of others. I wish he could just ignore it, but so far, he hasn’t been able to.</p>
<p>{{{{{{{major hugs}}}}}}} to you and to your son. I <em>know</em> how this whole thing must be tugging at your mommy-heart, and I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to get this sort of correspondence from your son.</p>
<p>I have always said that there are only two “activities” that I would FORCE my kids to do no matter what: college and swimming lessons. And for the very most part, that has been true. We do encourage the finishing of a chosen activity, but there have been exceptions to this that I have NO regret about.</p>
<p>If I were you, I’d bring my son home if that is his wish. Normal summer camp should not be a “military experience” in which he’s forcefully exposed to stuff that makes him uncomfortable. Tweens and teens mature at VERY different rates, and quite frankly, I’d consider the fact that your son is uncomfortable with crass language and crudeness a <em>GREAT</em> thing. No reason to feed him a steady diet of it against his wishes.</p>
<p>I think that in the long run, it is much, MUCH more important for your son to learn the lesson that his parents will truly LISTEN to him and respect his instincts/feelings than it is that he learn to be another crude teenage boy when that is not in his nature. I do think, though, that before this decision is made, you should talk to him in person and make sure that coming home is really what he wants to do. If that is the case, I’d bring him home happily and rejoice in the fact that your son respects you and trusts you enough to be so open with you.</p>
<p>Again, cm, I’m <em>so</em> sorry that your son is experiencing this. I hope that you can find the perfect solution for him and for you family.</p>
<p>I’m a girl who has gone to camp every year for several years. I am now pretty picky about where I go. If he is miserable, let him come home. Some kids are really low class.</p>
<p>^^Saw that I just cross-posted with you, cm. Based on what you just said, I’d personally have NO qualms about bringing him home. And I’d tell him I was proud of his good judgment.</p>
<p>Your son sounds a lot like mine. He lasted at camp last year for less than 4 days. He was also 13, but a young and small 13. The breakdown for camp ages put him in the older camp. He made no friends and was constantly picked on. In retrospect, we should have asked to have him placed in the younger camp. Even the camp director thought he would have done well being one of the older campers with a younger group. We did not have them option of moving him to the younger camp so we brought him home. We asked him to stay and give it another day or two try and he called us the very next day. I think we did the right thing in bringing him home even with the benefit of hindsight.</p>
<p>If he still wants to come home tonight, if is unbearable, I would bring him home. He’s been to camp before, he knows what it is supposed to be like. Something is wrong. While I have tried to teach my kids to honor a committment, finish what they start, etc. I have also let them know that sometimes, in some situations, well sometimes one might have to make an exception. This may be one of those times.</p>
<p>I think you gave him very good advice to give it 24 hours. He has an end in sight, and maybe with this in mind, things won’t look as desperate to him. Given that you’ve told him that, I would absolutely pick him up if he still wants to come home. </p>
<p>You know that he’s fully capable of staying at camp under better circumstances. I would not leave a 13 year old boy at camp for that length of time who is crying all the time and is generally miserable. </p>
<p>This does not sound like a typical case of home sickness to me. I think, unfortunately, he’s been placed with a group of boys that you probably wouldn’t approve of him spending this amount of time with at home either.</p>
<p>I just spoke to a guidance counselor on the phone who told me exactly what Berurah said (here and in her pm). I need to let him know that whatever he decides to do is fine with me. So we’ll see how he is tonight. I’ll keep you posted!</p>
<p>Often we think that we’re hearing only the worst, and that things “aren’t really that bad - they’re just venting”. In this case, though, if it’s bad enough that the camp director notices it, and breaks the “no phone” rule, I don’t think there’s an exaggeration component to it.</p>
<p>I’d bring him home if he still wants to do so. Camp is supposed to be fun, not something to endure.</p>
<p>I went to Performing arts sleepaway camp for 3 sessions and im about to enter my 5 yr/6th sesssion of sleepaway camp…and yes im 17 im still a kid at heart…
my second summer at french woods festival of the performing arts…<3 was my worst i made friends outta bunk but i hated my bunkmates we didnt get a long well at all…and i was only a yr older then ur son…i switched bunks a day in…but i honestly think i should’ve stayed…
now the following summer i went a different session then everyone of my bunkmates…and my friend who i started frenchwoods w/(were not close at all ne more) and i made even more friends and most of my friends i liked from the yr b4 went to camp w/ me…again(they were double sessioners…)
just b4 that session i started my first summer of hardcore adventure program…california that yr NC last yr and this yr me and my best friend from NC r going to Cali…first time for her going to the Cali Program…and were great!</p>
<p>But my first cali was horrible to my tentmate had a anger problem</p>
And for the very most part, that has been true. We do encourage the finishing of a chosen activity, but there have been exceptions to this that I have NO regret about.</p>