There is an even easier way, the white lie, tell them that he is casting a wide net of schools and in the end it will end up being where he gets in and is the best fit, and leave it at that and don’t go beyond that. The decision of where to apply and so forth is up to the kid and the immediate family, and if someone persists that is on them.
Or how about ‘Brown? Are you kidding? He hated it. All those obnoxious know it alls. Never.’ (Kidding, kidding)
Oh yes. Went there, did that. An acquaintance of mine once said my daughter would “definitely” get into Stanford because her dad went there and she had the grades and scores. My in-laws, who also went there, said it was “easy.” Her disappointment at being rejected was mostly about the fact that people thought she “should” get in and didn’t.
Unless someone has lived this experience and done it recently they very rarely understand the process. How very difficult it is to be accepted at the elite colleges.
My comments to the people who were offering their opinions would be based on their sensitivity to my child. Are they sincere? Are they coming across in a caring way, or are they busy bodies or prestige hounds?
If they are caring and sincere I would be more open and honest with them about where my child was at and what their prospects were. If they exhibited none of these characteristics than I would still be polite (unless they were obnoxious) and tell them that our child has done very well and will end up in the school that is right for them. (end of discussion)
A lot of it is people trying to show what experts they are, and some of it I suspect is in trying to embarrass the kid/family by in effect saying “oh, you aren’t going to (wherever), how come, is there something wrong with you?” Some of the people mean well and simply don’t understand what is going on with the elite schools, they also have impressions of schools from a generation ago then are shocked to find out, for example, how competitive a school like U of Michigan is (assuming, I suppose, that since it is big football school must be mediocre academically, which is about 180 degrees from the truth).
I heard this all with music from people who meant well (who should have known better, but don’t), that the big thing is to concentrate on academics and then you can 'always do music in college", or "oh, he is applying to music schools, you must be relieved because that is so easy, my uncle went to one of ‘those schools’ and it was no big deal (put it this way, top music schools and/or studious are often more difficult to get into than getting into Harvard, and unlike academics, it pretty much boils down to how you do on a 10 minute audition, and you often are competing against several hundred students for 1 slot shrug.
If someone is genuinely trying to help but doesn’t have a clue, it is okay to tell them the reality, but if someone is just being busy body, keep in mind you don’t have to tell them anything, and if they push, say “I’ll let you know if I think I need some advice, appreciate it, but right now we are fine” and leave it at that.
IME, opinion vehemence is inversely proportional to actual, current knowledge of the college admissions/tuition landscape.
Having just gone through this with two kids I find the solution quite simple and I was not offended by the suggestions. Simple answer is “he (she) just isn’t interested in those schools, but thanks for the suggestions”
My situation w/D1 was similar to @Veruca 's. A close relative is an adjunct instructor at a Design school. When he asked about my kid’s college search, I mentioned the suite of top-10 engineering colleges my kiddo (who attended at top 10 High school) was considering, he sneered and asked why the local-commuter technical college (which is a fine school) wasn’t “good enough” for my kiddo.
Really? Was THAT the time to inject your insecurities about my ivy diploma and my kiddo’s trajectory to a “name” school?
Needless to say, I didn’t continue that discussion much further.
@t26e4:
When he asked why your D wasn’t applying to the local commuter technical college, you could have shocked the heck out of him by saying “the local says it all, why be under the evil eye of parents when you can go someplace far enough away they can’t show up on your door at 6am on a Saturday morning after a night of drinking” lol
I am so happy my family experience is so different from what is described here. My siblings are so helpful. No judgment, good listeners with good suggestions. I like having the college talk with them - as does our boy. We are lucky I guess. Honestly, I consciously scale it back so I don’t come off as a maniac.
I’d let him shrug it off. If he doesn’t have the stats dor a top tier, he probably already realizes it and self-awareness and being proud of what you can do goes a long way.
There’s always someone “better” and that’s one of the best lessons to learn early. A Harvard admit often isn’t “good enough” to get into a more prestigious school-- Oxford. But, Harvard students are glad they landed where they could, even if unqualified for a “better” school.
It’s a shame kids are often about school rankings and prestige and not about finding the type of school best for their interests and lifestyle.
(And, yes, I went to a top tier school too. But not every school is a good match for every student, test scores or not. I turned down a top 5 national school after realizing it wasn’t what I wanted and wasn’t my perfect fit.)
In short: let the student answer the relatives on their own, it’s their college choice and interests.
I feel your pain, my daughter is bright and gets very good grades, but is not interested in any Ivies (and would never get into them anyway) or any NESCAC LACs and EVERY TIME we are around family the questions start: “Are you applying to any Ivy Leagues? Why not?” It’s a little annoying. She just smiles and tries to change the subject.