My relatives mean well, but they’re a little clueless about just what it takes to get into certain schools these days. My son, who is a very good student but not at the tip-top of his class, is just starting the college process. We’re taking him to schools like Brandeis, Rochester, Emory, Franklin & Marshall, and the like. Lately, when we get together with family, inevitably one or another older person will throw out a comment such as, “How about Princeton?” or “Why not Brown? You’ve got the grades.” Believe me, if my son could get into those schools, they’d be on his list. I feel terrible because he’s working so hard and he’s just not quite at that level. I usually say something like, “It’s almost impossible to get into those schools now,” and leave it at that, silently gritting my teeth. Anyone BTDT?
Just don’t talk about it at all. We didn’t with extended family including grandparents because, like you say, most people unless they’ve gone through the process recently are clueless about the competitiveness and the current reputations of schools. We kept our cards close to the vest. I also didn’t want my kids dealing with a year of increasing angst with tons of conversations revolving around their college process.
Sometimes, throwing out statistics (hard facts) to well-intended people like that can help them “see the light.” For example:
- Ivy League schools' acceptance rates are often in the 5-7% range. So 95% of applicants get rejected. Including kids with perfect grades & perfect test scores.
- Good grades aren't enough these days.
- (or you could go slightly sarcastic/witty and say:) Oh! I didn't think of that! Thank you so much! (lol)
- (or another slant on the funny/sarcastic side): Well, since Son can't get into Princeton or Brown, we've decided to scrap college altogether and he's going to go work on a crab boat in Alaska. (best to say this with a deadpan expression on your face and act like it's a serious/real thing, then crack up/laugh when the person you're talking to reacts with "Um, OK....?")
You will never get clueless relatives to stop being clueless, so take the empty platitudes route, and smile and say something like - that’s a thought. Then change the subject. 
just say, “yeah we’ve looked into them but we want to cast a wide net just in case.” i mean, it’s true, you have looked into them and crossed them off but they don’t have to know that.
Maybe something that both respects their suggestion and respects your kid like “Oh, I’m sure he’d thrive there, but they get so many applicants at his level that they only accept a tiny portion so we have to cast a much broader net. Fortunately, there are tons of wonderful schools to choose from.”
Ha! Try a set of relatives who are UCB, CalTech, Stanford and Oxford graduates.
They knew my S well and got his head up in the clouds - “You are definitely the right candidate! We’ll write a recomendation”, etc. He had the brains to go that high but didn’t have the work habits, organization, focus - that sort of stuff and, of course, didn’t have the grades to go there.
What we did is tried to get them to talk about what it really takes to do well in those places in terms of studies, interests, essays. We also told them that “he is fully allowed to dream away but we also need to cover our back in case it doesn’t work, so what other places could you suggest?”
S did end up applying to a couple extra “dream colleges” but thanks to those talks he had much better idea of what is expected of him before and in the college. Besides, those same people helped to proof-read his essays and gave him lots of other useful advise.
As for totally clueless people who just mention the colleges because they heard the name, a simple “We are working on it” and then dropping the subject worked pretty well.
Presumably your son is also aware that he is not competitive for Ivies, so I would just say something along the lines of shrugging it off and steering the convo to the schools you’re actually looking at. “Eh, we’ll see. I visited Brandeis last month and really liked x y and z…” should be enough to carry the convo without getting frustrated.
Consider it less from the perspective of your son and more for the relatives. It’s an easy conversation starter with their teenage nephew that’s more productive, and frankly more interesting, than “how’s school?”, and I’m sure they mean only complimentary things when they suggest Ivies.
Definitely BTDT with my H’s family who are not familiar with the ins and outs of college admissions (H is the only sibling who went to college and my kids are the only ones in that generation going to college). My advice --smile and nod, smile and nod. Later on you can make a comment to your S reminding him that the people making those comments don’t fully understand the current reality of college admissions. Also be sure to remind your S just how proud your are of the many amazing college choices he has worked hard to have available to him.
OP, you are not alone! You might get a kick out of the Smile and Nod thread that has been a CC favorite since 2010.
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/926354-just-smile-and-nod-smile-and-nod-p1.html
I would just change the pronouns: He visited Brandeis last month and really liked x y and z. Or, We visited Brandeis last month and he really liked x y and z.
As others have said, a non-committal answer is the way to go; this should not be viewed as a teaching moment, because trying to explain the college admissions process in 2017 will fall on deaf ears and frustrate you even further.
“Maybe. I’m not quite sure yet.” And smile.
I really like the “We’ve looked into them, but these days you have to cast a much wider net,” and the “luckily there are lots of wonderful schools out there.” I wouldn’t make it an argument, but I don’t think it hurts to educate people a bit. IME, older folks do get the message eventually. (Well my Dad never did, but he had memory issues.)
My SIL came up with the most brilliant way to deflect. The first time my mom asked, SIL smiled and said, pleasantly but very firmly, “We’re not talking about college until senior year.” (My nephew was a freshman at the time.) If Mom had asked 100 times, SIL would have said exactly the same thing, like a robot. I was in awe.
You’ll have to modify it a bit, like “We’re not talking about college until the acceptances are here.” Or “until he’s made his final decision.” Just as long as it’s a specific event, in the future. The key is the firmness, and refusal to say one additional word, no matter what. Repeat --verbatim – endlessly. If they ask why, say, “Because we’ve decided not to talk about college until…” No excuses, no explaining, no apologies. Refuse to engage on any level. Don’t discuss specific colleges, don’t talk about the application process, zero, zip, nada. Be a brick wall on this topic. Otherwise, they’ll be continually trying to find another way to further advise you, and they will feel like this belongs to them. It doesn’t.
Learn from my mistake, and get the family out of this ASAP. I didn’t protect my D from the family’s interest and questions, and she told me later that the pressure was awful. Don’t let that happen to your son. Nip it in the bud.
I get the opposite reaction. My family suggests local community colleges and acts like we are crazy to consider something different.
Great to be vague with the tension inducers and then happily announce where kiddo is definitely going, without a lot of extraneous information for others to chew on. It’s like naming a baby. If you announce the name before birth, some family member will question your choice or offer alternatives. Say “look who’s here, your grand baby xyz” and most are in love.
Plus, going over the ins and outs of the lives of near adult children is a good habit to break. It is now their information to gatekeep.
My best friend’s high-flyer BIL suddenly offered to leverage his connections to obtain ED admission for her B+ ACT 29 daughter (read “put fix in”) at a prestigious private university, where he had “special alumni role” (his words) for his niece, whom normally ignored. BF’s parents also pushed hard for so-called “guarantee shot at top 10 school” during entire fall term of her senior year, focused on prestige and not fit, lots of pressure. BF and her DH appalled, their DD perplexed by offer and persistence and $60,000 COA. Lots of inappropriate meddling and bad-mouthing of other reasonable choices. With great fortitude, this invasiveness is tuned-out. DD goes to flagship; good choice for her. Two years later, BF’s nephew, BIL’s B student is accepted ED at that fancy university; grandparents and nephew’s parents acting like he’s the smartest kid as proved by that ED success, rather than “greased” by dad.
I would just be honest, and tell them that the acceptance rates for these schools are crazy low now, like 3-5% (or whatever), that it’s an entirely different world out there than it used to be. That he might throw in an app at one of those schools, but honestly, he is well aware that it’s not realistic.
Thanks, all! I think I just really needed to vent, what with the Jewish holidays upon us and Thanksgiving approaching. Perhaps I’ll also discreetly mention to the grandparents beforehand that we’d rather avoid the topic.
“Believe me, if my son could get into those schools, they’d be on his list. I feel terrible because he’s working so hard and he’s just not quite at that level.”
you should not view it that way either…find the best fit where he will be the happiest. princeton has a name but a school like dension http://denison.edu/ or allegheny http://allegheny.edu/ maybe the perfect fit for him, his life and his future.
do not worry what anyone says and cast a wider net…less emphasis on rankings…they mean nothing to most people in the real world.