Helping cousin go to college

Parents Forum
1

Hi all,

I’m a 19-year-old going into my second year of college. A cousin on my mom’s side (“E”) is in a bit of a tough situation and I was wondering if anyone had any advice on things I could do to possibly help out. She lives in New York, a few hours from Albany, and is going into her senior year of high school.

Her family situation, to put it bluntly, is a mess. There are three children in that family: a boy who is a year older than me, E, and a younger boy who is still in middle school. Their mother (my aunt) converted to Mormonism when this cousin was young and she has grown up in the church. My uncle never converted, which is a major factor in the strain on my aunt and uncle’s marriage. E does not believe in Mormonism and has recently came out as lesbian. My uncle has been the most supportive of her by far.

My oldest cousin is floundering. He has no direction and is being pressured into going on his Mormon mission by my aunt, but has been told that he’s not ready for it by church leaders. In the meantime, he’s completed a few nearly-useless (credits that don’t transfer, multiple phys ed classes) semesters at community college and at Utah State. He will continue to take classes at Utah State and work a part-time job this fall, likely at the prodding of my aunt. My family suspects that my aunt is trying to elevate her Mormon status and create a foothold in Utah by having my cousin live in Utah and go on his mission, if that ends up ever happening.

In the meantime, E has expressed interest in going to SUNY New Paltz and studying art. While she is by no means an extraordinary student, she has better grades and much more direction than her aimless older brother. My aunt, however, has told her that she has to go to community college instead. I am unsure of the reasoning behind this. The rest of my family (my parents, grandparents, etc.) agree that it is in E’s best interest that she get out of the house and think that it’s entirely reasonable that she goes to New Paltz. The family is very likely to qualify for financial aid (both parents work for the state and thus have modest incomes) especially since her older brother will be enrolled in college. It would be possible, although not preferable, for E to live with my grandparents and commute about 45 minutes to an hour each way to New Paltz. This is a doable possibility, we think that E just needs guidance on how to make it happen, since my uncle may or may not step up to the plate.

We are unsure of whether E has taken her SATs, run net price calculators, etc, but we think it’s unlikely

My mother thinks it would be inadvisable for her to butt in and effectively question her sister’s parenting by giving E that guidance. I suggested that maybe I could, since I’m a peer and I have been through the process recently (and also read a lot of CC discussions). E and I have never been particularly close, though. I really feel for her and want her to be able to pursue what she wants, as well as get away from the stifling environment of her home, and I think it would be a complete shame if she was unable to go to college while her older brother does. Any thoughts?

2

E should take the SAT or ACT asap. Then she could perhaps be admitted in January. Looks like SUNYNP requires the SAT or ACT, so she might be unable to get in without the tests. Does your cousin know you are doing this? Seems to me that the reasoning behind her mom wanting her to go to CC is that it is cheaper and E has no test scores. Is E actively seeking to leave home? I do think you are being a bit of a buttinski, if I am honest, as it doesn’t seem as though E is unhappy. However, you can send her a link to this thread I suppose and she can do as she wants.

3

My cousin does not know that I am doing this; my parents and I were discussing the issue yesterday, after my mother had heard about what was going on from my grandmother. I don’t want to butt in inappropriately, and thus part of my question is whether it’s appropriate for me to talk to my cousin about this or not.

While I’m not sure that E is actively UNhappy, she is not in a good situation. Her mother (and by the sound of it, her brothers, too) are unsupportive of her sexuality and the fact that she has stopped attending church. She is clearly overlooked in favor of her brothers (I think it’s telling that my aunt continuously makes FB posts about her older brother being in Utah, but didn’t post a single prom picture of E with her girlfriend).

I think it would be very, very unfair for her to be denied going to an affordable college that she could likely get into because of her mother’s agenda, which the rest of the family sees clear as day.

I don’t think the reasoning behind her mom wanting her to go to CC is strictly monetary, and certainly not because of test scores. There was a similar lack of guidance when the older brother was looking into schools, but my aunt clearly pushed him towards Utah. It’s more likely that my aunt hasn’t looked into any financial aid options and is simply dismissing E because it doesn’t fit her agenda.

I have nothing against the Mormon faith; many of my friends growing up were Mormon and they were all very nice, generous people. In this case, though, my aunt’s faith has created a rift in the family.

4

I don’t think there is a lot you can do.
Your mom should encourage the aunt and uncle to have E take the SAT. Her options will be more limited without it.That is just helpful advice without butting in.

If your grandparents are truly on board with the possibility of commuting for E then they need to communicate the offer to aunt and E. They have to decide first if they really want to have E living with them before anything can proceed.

5

I don’t think it’s inappropriate for you to talk to E and offer your help as a peer. Just tread very carefully. Be helpful without bashing her mother. Even with everything going on she still may be very protective of her. Most important ask her what she wants before pushing your ideas on her.

6

You should realize that her parents basically have veto power over her college choices due to money and/or cooperation on financial aid forms, unless she gets all of the college money beyond the small amount she can get from student loans and work from other sources (merit scholarships, other relatives contributing money, or combination).

7

You are a good person to want to do this and you are to be commended.

Provide good guidance, be a good role model, and maybe even hold hands a bit through the process since you know how daunting it is for those in the BEST circumstances. I would not be afraid to speak to your cousin directly and frankly about everything. I agree it would not be good to throw auntie under the bus, but you can speak the truth and your opinions. Since you clearly care so much, you will regret it later if you don’t.

I don’t know much about this but I bet there are LGBT groups that can help, and maybe even scholarships designed for those disowned by parents and stuck because of the sad truths in post #5.

Please update us here to the progress and good luck.

8

@ucbalumnus You’re certainly right. I think that her dad is supportive of her, but often allows my aunt to take the dominant role in the household. I think that she could get his assistance filling out financial aid forms, at least in theory.

I know that there are constraints and that I don’t want to overstep. My main question here is just whether there is a way for me or my parents to give her guidance on how to make her desire to go to SUNYNP a reality, if at all possible, without completely stepping on toes. I just don’t see this happening without some kind of outside encouragement/advice/what-have-you. She goes to a fairly small and remote public high school, so I don’t know what the quality of guidance counseling is.

9

Ho about you say 'Ey, I hear you’re a senior. I went through this last year and I thought it was super confusing, so it’s make me happy to share what I learned with you, no need for everyone in the family to be as confused as I was… Knowledge is better shared, you know ? Like, do you have your sat score ? Or act ? There’s an act in early September, today’s the last day to register but it means it doesn’t overlap with your classes and you can prepare over August, that’s the easiest. You can even designate four colleges when you register and they send your score to 4 different 4-year collegews, for free. Well anyway text/email if you want a hand through this. "

10

Maybe the grandparents can offer to allow her to live with them in front of the parents. “E, I know you are considering New Paltz, and we’d be happy to have you live with us to help you with expenses. How else can we help make this happen for you?”

You can offer your help with scheduling. “You need to take the ACT/SAT in the fall, you need to submit an application by xxx. Do you need any help figuring out the FAFSA or the NY Tap program?”

I wouldn’t assume her parents don’t have a fairly good income just because they work for the state. They are probably in the middle class if they’ve been state employees for years.

11

Maybe she can share this link with her mom http://affirmation.org/

12

After a (fairly) long life I’ve learned to completely 100% keep out of other families’ biz. They don’t want our advice and if anything goes wrong we are assigned all of the blame.

13

I would encourage the student to seek assistance from her HS counselor when school starts up again.
There are a number of programs, including EOP, which allow for fee waivers and other considerations that may allow the student the financial ability to attend a 4-year (vs. 2-year) program from the outset.

14

I think all you can do is offer guidance in the college app process and be encouraging unless someone is able to really offer an honest concrete offer of living with them and possible financial help that basically gives E the ability to jump out of her current situation. It’s all talk and wishful thinking unless that can happen.
And even then it is still difficult. Parents need to be on board in a positive way. Perhaps they would be more willing than anyone expects right now.

E needs to be on board. You say she isn’t UNhappy. Maybe, maybe not. She doesn’t have a lot of options.
The parties making an offer need to really consider how it may change their lives and be willing to do it. And nobody can blame them if they opt out. It’s a big responsibility to take someone into your home.
You’re right–it’s tough.

Just broaching the subject of taking SAT or ACT and pointing out that there is a path to be followed is a good thing. Knowing there is someone to even provide guidance is helpful to E and can provide support.