Helping D & D's friend through rough times

Parent Cafe
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<p>My D & her friends are all rising SRs at different Us. She’s been in a funk and one of the main reasons is that one of her HS friends she is closest to is pretty unhappy and has been picking on her some. The friend is the one whose dad was riding a bike when he was hit & went into a coma. He has been released from the hospital and lives at home but is barely able to care for himself and it does not look like he will ever return to gainful employment, certainly not practice medicine again. He was the sole breadwinner and had some issues with D that will now never be resolved since he is no longer the father she had.</p>

<p>The friend plans to attend med school upon graduation and the mom wants her to attend the local med school (which is extremely tough to get into because they only admit about 62 students/year). Her mom also wants her to live at home to keep costs down (and I suspect help keen an eye on her dad). The pre-med does NOT like these proposals & has no assurances of getting in to any med school, especially the local one with such limited space. Not sure how much disability insurance the dad had/has, but finances appear quite rocky and the pre-med also has two younger brothers in HS. This pre-med has had to mature much faster than she had anticipated and can’t wait to get back to her expensive private U 5000 miles away, where there is always something going on.</p>

<p>The friend has been criticizing D much of this summer, saying hurtful things, including asking D why she doesn’t want to jog (bad for her medical condition), why she doesn’t want to go to movies (sees them regularly in class as part of her cinema major), and why she’s a bum & not working like others (D has several projects to work on this summer, including writing a script). Last night all the friends got together and on the way home, a mutual friend & D had a long chat about this and the mutual friend agreed that D is being picked on and is puzzled because D & the pre-med had always been so very close. D is thinking she might try to take pre-med to dinner and talk, as they had previously been the very best of friends and D is feeling estranged from the relationship and mourning the loss of their closeness. Intellectually, D understands some of the challenges the pre-med is going thru in terms of processing loss of her dad as he was, well as having fewer options going forward for med school than had been anticipated, but it’s still painful for D to be attacked from a friend she had been considered a soulmate over the past few years.</p>

<p>So far, I’ve just been able to be a sounding board and have just let D vent and tried to reflect things back to her to consider. Any thoughts on how else I might be able to help D & her friend the pre-med?</p>

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<p>What a sad story about the friend. I don’t defend the friend’s hurtful behavior, but I hope that D is able to cut her some slack. That poor kid is going through a lot of change and hurt, and unfortunately seemingly taking out some of her frustration on D.</p>

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<p>I have found people feel freer to be hurtful to those they are closest to when things are going poorly. They feel safe in doing so because they are confident in the strength of the relationship. They put on airs of happiness with the relationships that are more fleeting.</p>

<p>Explain that to your d. Tell your d to wrap herself up in teflon and give her friend love and time. Its nice your d has you to come to vent to.</p>

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<p>Sometimes when we are depressed (like the friend most likely is) we are irritible and take it out on those closest to us, who we figure can take it and won’t abandon us. Not saying she is consciously doing this, but its a thought. We sometimes treat those closest to us the way we treat ourselves, and she may be beating up on herself now for whatever unresolved issues she is strugling with with her dad.</p>

<p>Also, sidebar to all willing to listen to me on my soapbox … WEAR A WELMET OK, lecture over.</p>

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<p>crossposted with sax</p>

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<p>^ I’m going to agree with sax here. It’s what I was thinking as I was reading your post HImom. The one’s we trust the most often get our worst behavior. When I am stressed and at the end of my rope I can manage a happy face for most of the world, but my wonderful DH gets the grumpy raw edge of my emotions. Let your daughter know that she doesn’t have to sit for more of this than she can shoulder though. It is fair if they have been quite close for her to speak to her friend in a loving way, tell her she is sure she is not aware that she’s doing it, and doesn’t intentionally mean to hurt her feelings, but she is. </p>

<p>It is clear when you speak of both of your kids how much you care for them. Your dd is very lucky to have you as a sounding board. I’m sure it’s a comfort for her. I hope her friends father finds peace and comfort as he continues to heal.</p>

<p>note: crossed posts with jym…</p>

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<p>Yea, she & we intellectually KNOW all of that, but D still feels betrayed, hurt & confused. I told her she might suggest to the friend that she get some free campus counseling when she gets back to her U, as there is so much for the pre-med to process, along with her med school apps.</p>

<p>Yea, I agree that wearing a helmet is very important but sure wish we had magic wands to help make this situation a bit better. The pre-med is very bright and has been shadowing the same doc for years, for practice and also drawing at least minimum wage. Am sure that the pre-med is depressed but D is so unused to being a victim/target and choosing to absent herself from some of the group friend activities because she finds it painful.</p>

<p>It’s one thing to intellectually know what is going on and why but another to be there while it happens and try to let it bounce off. Teflon isn’t as easy a coating to develop on skin as we’d often wish. :(</p>

<p>This reminds me a bit of the fouling of the nest we went thru with S in the summer before he went away for his first term at college. Even if intellectually you understand the person is hurting and/or trying to put some distance to protect themselves, it is still painful if you’re living the situation.</p>

<p>Yes, I’m so glad that D trusts me/us enough to share these thoughts/feelings with me, even tho it is often chats that go into 1 or 3am, because that’s when she lets the barriers down. She’s a very loving person and extremely empathetic and sensitive. </p>

<p>Ds picked up quite a bit of the blues from the pre-med. All the friends are rising SRs (except for the one who entered pharmacy school after her 1st 2 years of college), so they all already have some angst about what will happen upon graduation in the spring, but this just adds to it. Intellectually, she knows the pre-med’s attacks aren’t about her, but it’s still very difficult for D.</p>

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<p>Maybe D could encourage her friend to just talk about how she is feeling and what she is facing. D’s friend might be needing a sympathetic ear. She must be scared and unhappy.</p>

<p>Now, a rant:</p>

<p>We have no way of knowing whether a helmet would have made much of a difference in this particular accident. The guy was hit by a car, right? Ask yourself, why is a motorcycle helmet so much bigger and heavier than a bike helmet? Because a bike helmet doesn’t offer much protection in a car/bike accident, that’s why. It just doesn’t. It’s infuriating when the first thing asked about a bike/car accident is whether the cyclist was wearing a helmet, as if not wearing a helmet caused an accident. We should instead be inquiring into the circumstances of the accident.</p>

<p>I wear my bike helmet every time I ride, but helmet-wearing cyclists get killed in my county several times a year. So let’s stop pretending a helmet is a cure-all. It might not have made any difference in this case. Instead of railing at cyclists who don’t wear helmets, let’s go after reckless drivers, impaired drivers, texting drivers (as far as I’m concerned they should be shot at dawn), and scofflaw cyclists; they are the real problem.</p>

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<p>Actually, the cyclist was hit by a truck & thrown 20-50 feet in the air & landed on his head. There’s no info at all as to whether a helmet would have made any difference, but in low impact collisions, it surely can.</p>

<p>I know the friend may need a sympathetic ear but she may also need a professional to help her sort out some of the deeper issues. Our D is a great kid but definitely has her limitations. I think if they went out to dinner, D would be able to let her talk, as they’ve never had ANY shortage of things to chat about in the past and I know that the pre-med has always considered D her best friend & soulmate; it was a reciprocal thing. I’m not even sure what pre-med understands about their current and future family finances.</p>

<p>I’m still thinking that D recommending that pre-med MAY wish to speak/work with a counselor when she returns to campus could be therapeutic for the pre-med. This can give her access to more resources as she sorts through her options.</p>

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<p>Not, unfortunately, a kind of accident where bike helmets necessarily help much. In some cases, if the bike helmet sticks to the road, it can result in a broken neck and death, when a cyclist not wearing a helmet might survive. So, it’s possible that not wearing a helmet saved this cyclist. We can’t know.</p>

<p>Again, I’m not saying don’t wear a bike helmet. I wear one. I think most likely it makes a difference, albeit a small one. But I grow tired of non-cyclist helmet fetishists looking for a way to blame the cyclist, instead of looking at the real issue, which is road behavior. We need more exhortations to drivers and cyclists to use the roads safely, and less helmet fetishism.</p>

<p>Drivers, merge right to the curb before turning right.</p>

<p>Drivers, watch for straight through cyclists when turning left. I don’t want to hear that you “didn’t see” that cyclist. You would have seen her if you’d looked for her.</p>

<p>Drivers, you don’t get to pass a cyclist any time you feel like it. Wait until it’s safe. Hint: a blind curve doesn’t qualify as safe.</p>

<p>Drivers, pass cyclists with a full three feet of room. That’s the law in some states, and should be the law in all states.</p>

<p>Drivers, hang up the phone. Stop texting.</p>

<p>Cyclists, stop running red lights and barreling through stop signs, you idiots.</p>

<p>Cyclists, do not ride on the wrong side of the road. It’s a good way to die.</p>

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<p>As in H’s crash last weekend, he has no memory of the event because of the concussion he sustained and there were no witnesses. We can only speculate there was no car involved because his bike is unscathed, but we have no proof of anything. Had he not been wearing a helmet, he likely would have died or suffered permanent brain damage, and we can assume this from the extent of injuries on the rest of his body. I have personally shown that helmet to many people, now, as it just goes to show what likely would have happened to his head (the helmet was cracked in four places) had he not been wearing it.</p>

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<p>by the way, H was on a bike trail, not a road shared with motorists.</p>

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<p>In the case of pre-med’s dad, there was a lot of doubt as to whether he’d even survive and at what level. Teriwtt, so glad your H is doing well as he recovers from his accident. Yes, in the case of pre-med’s dad, the md cycling with him cautioned against crossing the street but was ignored & the collision resulted.</p>

<p>Any thoughts about D suggesting/recommending that dear pre-med friend work with a counselor at her U about the issues she has to process moving forward?</p>

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<p>As I’ve been mulling this thread, the same thought keeps coming across my mind. It’s one of those situations where your daughter basically has two choices, and neither one is very good. She can try to continue, on whatever level she feels comfortable to maintain some sort of relationship with her friend, hoping that this is just a phase the friend is going through. But even so, once the friend is out of her immediate crisis, your daughter may find the friend has been forever changed by these circumstances out of her control, and they may drift apart anyway. Which is sad. And your daughter may have already begun to grieve the loss of the friendship as it was. Or your daughter may just decide at this time that she can no longer be friends with the girl. Everyone has their own limits as far as what they can and can’t take when it comes to disrespect from people close to us; only your daughter can decide how far she wants to let it go, and she may be done now. Unfortunately, it may also make things awkward around mutual friends, too. Again, two choices and neither one very good.</p>

<p>You must also feel put in an awkward situation, knowing what’s coming the friend’s way from an adult perspective. I hate these situations where I know something that someone else doesn’t know, but who will be majorly impacted by it. </p>

<p>One more thought… is there any chance the friend could find a counselor or someone to meet with at home before going back to school. Are there any religious practices followed by the family that would make a known clergy member a possibility? And perhaps most importantly, how open do you think the friend is going to be to anyone (much less your daughter) suggesting she pursue some counseling?</p>

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<p>One of the tough things is that D & the pre-med are part of a very close circle of about five girls that normally get together one or two nights/week to watch a TV show together, which they have gathered for every summer. D has always cherished these evenings together but the other night declined to go & spent a quiet evening with just us instead.</p>

<p>Yes, D isn’t sure what will happen to this friendship, as she & pre-med understood each other so well. These girls had always stood by D when she was persecuted by HS admin for her health absences, so D feels especially loyal to them, as they went to proms, dances & so many other things together. They’ve also shared so many soulful conversations.</p>

<p>D will likely continue to feel her way through this. She will continue sharing an apartment with one of the friends from the group of five (that girl stayed in their apartment this summer with a job & internship). I think at least for this summer, D will continue to try to salvage what she can of the friendships, but pick & choose the events she will attend. She still seems quite close to the other girls.</p>

<p>Not sure of pre-med’s religion, but believe D may know. Not sure how she would react to anyone (especially D) suggesting counseling could be helpful. May speak with one of the other moms I am close to and see if she has ideas. Unfortunately, neither the other mom nor I are close to the family of pre-med. :(</p>

<p>Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions. I know D is weighed down by all of this and it’s making her pretty blue.</p>

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<p>To tell the truth, this and your comment that your D may have her limitations with regard to supporting her friend through a time like this are what jump out at me the most. I wonder if the resentment is because the friend sees your D as more concerned about what’s good or convenient for her and not for the friend. The friend wants to jog? Has your D asked she’d be up for a nice walk or other activity as an alternative? She doesn’t “feel like” seeing a movie? Maybe that is coming across as just a bit too self centered right about now. The girl may be getting the mistaken impression that your D is blowing her off or doesn’t care the way she “should” in her time of need. Especially given all the support she may feel she’s given your D about her health problems in the past etc. </p>

<p>Has your D tried to talk to her friend directly about any of this? As others say, it’s very possible that the friend is depressed and just lashing out. Maybe she is also subconsciously jealous that things are going much better for your D, for whom life goes on as usual, and is taking it out on her. So, I guess as a first step what I would suggest to someone in your D’s place is to talk openly with her friend, try to put herself in the friend’s place, respond with all that in mind and make accommodations whenever possible.</p>

<p>Teriwtt, A speedy recovery to your H. How scary!</p>

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<p>When my kids were young, I used to tell them that people who act bad generally feel bad and that probably applies here. That said, your daughter needs to decide whether she can tolerate her friend’s behavior or if she needs to place some limits on her friend’s behavior. She could say, " I know things are difficult now and I want to support you, but it’s difficult to support you if you put me down or lash out at me." and see how her friend responds. She may need to set some limits. She could also offer to accompany her friend to a counselor and wait in the waiting room. I think when young people go through something traumatic, or the loss of a parent (and in many ways she has lost the parent she had), it is very difficult to see your friends go on with their uninterrupted lives. It’s hard to be facing something your friends have not faced while they still have the lives they had. It can feel like salt in a gaping wound. It can also feel like your friends have no idea what you are going through or how it feels, as if you have moved to a strange country and none of your friends speak or understand the language. Sometimes there are unintentionally insensitive things that are said and done by the most well-intentioned of friends. Often friendships drift apart when one person in the relationship has a life-altering experience – similar to the way some friendships drift apart when one person becomes a parent and a friend doesn’t. </p>

<p>Teriwtt, I didn’t know about your husband’s accident. I’m glad he had that helmet on and that he is recovering.</p>

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<p>D has asked pre-med to come to our home & suggested other activities that pre-med scorned. The pre-med labeled D as “most likely to be a serial killer,” which was the most recent stinging thing flung D’s way with all the other girls present (D was pretty floored). D has made some overtures which have been rebuffed and has actually only been here in HI less than two weeks (she had to wait until they were done driving across country to settle S). Yes, there are many issues floating around, including differences about what is FUN and what is a good level of activity/inactivity, which they have always differed on.</p>

<p>Yes, hopefully the two of them will spend some time together where they can clear the air. Pre-med’s dad had his accident about October of last year but this is the longest she’s been around him since then. Not sure what the pre-med will think about counseling or anyone’s suggestion that she consider it, whether or not they’ll accompany her and/or wait in the waiting room.</p>

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<p>Am pondering going out with D, her other best HS friend, friend’s mom & me so we can gently explore options on how to help this dear pre-med friend in the most constructive way while she’s in town for the next weeks this summer. The friend’s mom & I get along well and have many unrelated conversations over the years.</p>

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<p>OUCH! Obviously pre-med must have been kidding, but there’s also a way of kidding someone that can really hurt. </p>

<p>I think meeting with the other friend and her mom could be productive, as long as the goal is to brainstorm, and not gossip (which, knowing the little bit I know about you from CC, I highly doubt is your agenda; I do believe you have the friend’s best interest at heart). I only mention the gossip bit for the benefit of other readers who think I might be encouraging this kind of behavior. Hopefully the other mom is not of the type who would drag you into that sort of behavior, unknowingly.</p>