Helping D to become happier

Parents Forum
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<p>Hi,</p>

<p>My daughter has spent most of her teen years dealing with severe depression and anxiety (genetics, divorce, etc – her brother has had similar issues, as have I and her father). She is now almost 16 and slowly improving with twice weekly therapy and antidepressants. I am tremendously proud of her; she has gone from frequent panic attacks to learning to cope very well and rise above many episodes.</p>

<p>She is a sophomore with very few extracurriculars due to the depression. Her mental health is top priority to us, but she is disappointed in herself that she hasn’t found her niche. No one “passion” comes easily to her; her teachers frequently say she is a gifted writer, but she is very hard on herself and shy about her work. This would not be a big deal to us if she were happy to continue chugging along like she is. As it is now, however, she is very unhappy and wants to find an activity she truly adores.</p>

<p>However, D is very shy. To someone who doesn’t know her, she is the epitome of bashful introversion. She is not one to approach strangers, though she is extremely kindhearted. She has always been one to include the “different” kids, very respectful, thoughtful, and empathetic. To those who know her, D is also extremely witty; she is perhaps the sharpest and funniest person I know. Despite the shyness, she always participates in classroom discussions and becomes very passionate in her argument – I truly believe her “passion” is learning. She has also never had trouble making friends, though she finds it difficult to relate to people her age.</p>

<p>D is extremely intelligent. She requires a challenge, dynamic teachers, or deep interest in the material or she becomes bored and unmotivated, which has affected her academic performance. (We are thrilled with her grades, but she is a perfectionist and beats herself up over it.) Next year, she will be fully dual-enrolled via an early college high school to hopefully provide the rigor she needs to shine. She has a 3.8 GPA and scored 231 on PSAT.</p>

<p>So, how can I help her to engage in extracurriculars she will enjoy? Her interests are horseback riding, reading, and as I said, learning. I know she often makes use of the open course ware (MIT and Yale) in her free time. She does have roughly 200 hours volunteering spent at the library, just began waiting tables for 12 hours a week a few weeks ago, and helps care for her grandmother. D is very open-minded, good-humored, and a bit quirky – probably willing to try anything at this point, as long as it doesn’t put her in the spotlight.</p>

<p>Also, where should we begin with colleges? I expect she will thrive in college as she is very independent and responsible. I am clueless about them, though, and I don’t want to burden her with college talk at this time. Neither her father nor I are college educated and higher education beyond an associate’s degree was just not the right path for her brother.</p>

<p>Thank you for reading.</p>

<p>Hattie</p>

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<p>My son went through a difficult time at that age. What helped him tremendously was an outdoors program - he went backpacking for 2 weeks in the Colorado Rockies. He came back more mature, more self confident – and proud of what he accomplished. He liked it so much he went on the same trip the following summer even though normally this is not a very outdoorsy kid. There are many programs like this - Outward Bound is one good one, though expensive. I’d recommend it for someone who needs a boost in confidence and self reliance.</p>

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<p>What about more with horses? Is there a high school riding team (IEA) nearby that she could join? Volunteer at a therapeutic riding facility? Also, if she relates well and is less shy around people of different ages then what about volunteering at a local nursing home or meals on wheels? Her ECs should be what she wants to do, and as long as she as a few good friends it probably does not matter that she does not hang out after school everyday to play sports, etc.</p>

<p>In terms of colleges - I assume she is still a sophomore. So this summer go visit a few. Anything nearby or near where you are traveling. Does not need to be a place that is a real possibility - just something to break the ice. Take the tour, go to an info session, the kids quickly begin to get some ideas about what they want (big, small, rural, urban).</p>

<p>And for you…hang out on CC for advice, company and encouragement.</p>

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<p>Your daughter is gifted with empathy and passion, which sadly often accompany a tendency to depression. College can be the perfect place for her to bloom and find her path and find her joy and her strength. Finding a good match for her will be very important (perhaps more so for her than for many others.) Something tells me a woman’s college might be a great fit. With her stats and EC I would suggest she definitely check out some of the great women’s LACs in the Northeast. Being a Wellesley alum I naturally think of my alma mater. Let me advocate for a place where women are the leaders and the innovators; a place where shy young women learn to be bold and a place where bold young women learn to become extraordinary. (And let her know that boys are more than plentiful on the campus on the weekends. Finding a date has never been a problem for a Wellesley woman.) </p>

<p>Have fun in your college search.</p>

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<p>She might want to consider getting involved with a smaller nonprofit where there are lots of other young adults who are committed to and passionate about their ‘cause.’ (The library really isn’t that kind of place). Animal rescue? A stable that offers lessons to kids with developmental issues? Tutoring programs? There are lots of organizations who would love to have someone who is intelligent, passionate, empathetic and reliable. </p>

<p>Since taking those first steps is hard if you are shy and fearful of rejection, you may have to hold her hand through the process of making contact with the volunteer coordinators at those nonprofits. But she can do the research on line to learn about what is available. And it sounds like she has what it takes to succeed once she’s found her niche.</p>

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<p>Having a job and volunteering at the library are great extracurriculars. I would not push her to do more than that unless she wants to and it’s her idea. It sounds good for her to avoid the competitive extracurriculars so she can focus on her academics and well being. Good grades and scores will give her lots of college options. The most important thing for her is to fully recover from depression.</p>

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<p>She volunteers works waiting tables and helps with her grandmother…that’s enough. If she is as shy as you say it must be a stretch for her to waitress. Give her some time and space now to find her own rhythm.</p>

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<p>She sounds like a friend of my daughter’s, who is currently attending and thriving at a women’s college. She even took up a sport! This girl volunteered for a program using horses to reach autistic children. My dd tried that one, too, but found that the horses scared her so she switched to a sports program working with autistic kids. On a side note, both girls have decided to work with autism issues as adults - my daughter as a teacher and/or music therapist and her friend in neuro-research.</p>

<p>I agree with your focus on her mental health. It doesn’t matter how smart she is if she can’t take advantage of it due to depression.</p>

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<p>She sounds like my daughter! (who is thriving with a job she loves now!) Does she like art? My daughter was introduced to it by some friends and discovered she was truly talented in that respect. Art classes in school, at local college, books.
Also, pursue the writing aspect. No need to be shy–keep journals, start your stories, write your poems. No need to even show them unless you want to–not everything is graded. That wit and anxiety often morphs into great writing.
Find a couple friends to write stories with. or share artwork.
How about her designing her own website?
It’s hard to find a specific passion especially with someone who has myriad interests. but once you’re there…
One last thing…don’t get too overscheduled in the volunteer department. Kids need to breathe.</p>

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<p>I echo the other posters who suggested a women’s college. For me, Smith was a great way to blossom as an introverted, shy person. Everyone was ok there – it wasn’t a popularity contest like high school, and you didn’t have to worry about impressing boys every day. It was easy to make friends (which is huge for people who don’t make friends easily). See if she’s up for a visit. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses.</p>

<p>Putting more on her plate is definitely her idea. She is very frustrated with herself for not having found her “thing” at this early stage; she WANTS to do something she completely adores and is very much wanting to be as “happy” as she knows her friends to be. School is lulling for her this semester (unimpressive teachers, very standard lecture then busywork syllabi), so her free time has been consumed with reading everything she can get her hands on, occasionally going out with friends, and horseback riding. Waitressing was a massive step for her – luckily it’s at a very low-key, hole in the wall diner, so there isn’t too much hustle and bustle to overwhelm her.</p>

<p>Volunteering at a therapeutic riding stable is a good idea. The animal shelter takes a toll on her mentally, so that’s out. Apparently she has been going into school early this week to peer tutor (did not know! I’m gone to work before she wakes up). I got my thoughts organized and did some brainstorming to come up with a more definitive list of her interests: books, different cultures, sociology/anthropology, education. She is definitely interested in people. Very passionate about how she would reform the public education system; can talk my ear off about the nuances of Japanese culture, the origins of blonde hair, how neurons work, symbolism in Lolita… intellectually, she is far beyond me and I’m not sure how to meet her needs besides enrolling her in early college. How should we put these interests in a productive context so that she feels more fulfilled?</p>

<p>Re: Art and writing. She’s very into creative pursuits although she doesn’t think she’s very creative. I’m fairly certain she’s writing a book in her spare time! D also always participates in a writing competition in November that takes up all her time. She appreciates art, but doesn’t think herself an artist. I definitely think she should start blogging at the very least.</p>

<p>Also: I have talked to her therapist about this. She is under the impression D needs to find something that she can really devote herself to, become accomplished in it, raise her self-esteem. She is a talented horseback rider, but our funds are very limited which makes it a difficult hobby to keep up (waitressing is so she can show this season) and it doesn’t meet her intellectual needs.</p>

<p>Looking into Outward Bound. She loves the outdoors; if we could find an affordable program, I think she would really enjoy it and grow as a person tremendously. As for women’s colleges, I could definitely see her succeeding at one. Still browsing, but I really think she would like Smith and Wellesley.</p>

<p>Whew! I am long-winded, sorry. It has felt great to get all of that out.</p>

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<p><em>Exercise on a regular basis</em></p>

<p>Creative outlets: art, music (does she play an instrument or sing?), or theater</p>

<p>Meditative activities like tai chi or yoga</p>

<p>Sounds like she might enjoy a liberal arts college (LAC)</p>

<p>Also sounds like she’s very bright. May get frustrated if something doesn’t come easily. Help her appreciate the journey and value of working to reach a goal.</p>

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<p>[Mindset</a> | The Mindsets](<a href=“http://mindsetonline.com/whatisit/themindsets/index.html]Mindset”>http://mindsetonline.com/whatisit/themindsets/index.html)</p>

<p>I’d take more time to find a few articles, but we’re heading out for breakfast and a walk at the park (clear sky, yay!).</p>

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<p>If she loves riding, maybe she can parlay some riding time or lessons from volunteering at one of the therapeutic riding programs? Maybe someone who works there would be willing to work with her?</p>

<p>My DD’s volunteer work with a program for autistic pre-schoolers wound up enabling us to send her away to college when a local civic association offered her a scholarship based on that work! She had certainly not undertaken it thinking that she would get a financial reward, but she did.</p>

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<p>I"m almost 60 and have lived a good life without one true passion. Two of my kids found a niche, the other one is still exploring, and it’s fine.</p>

<p>It sounds to me like your daughter is doing enough, but if she wants more, I think it helps if it happens kind of naturally, through a connection at school or in the community, especially for a shy person.</p>

<p>If the outdoors really does beckon, I think the National Outdoor Leadership School (NOLS) may have financial aid. Their trips are amazing.</p>

<p>I would relax about colleges for just a bit more. She is only a sophomore. With experience dealing with depression already under her belt, so to speak, she may actually be ahead of many who first face it in freshman year at college.</p>

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<p>This could have been written about me. Down to every little detail, the depression, the horses, everything. I have completed college, and I am not really happy right now. I hope that will change in the future. I think keeping busy would be the most important thing to do.</p>

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<p>bloomh–Welcome to CC. You write well; I can see where you daughter may get her talent.</p>

<p>From your description, it doesn’t sound as if her current school is meeting her academic needs or providing good EC options that would work for her. Is next year’s “early college high school” a different school that might provide new ECs, or do you mean that she will be taking college courses through her current high school?</p>

<p>I think it is great that your D is looking to explore other opportunities. She might be putting a little undue pressure on herself to find her passion, however. Despite all the stories reads on CC, a lot of people have yet to find an EC they truly love at age 16 or even age 20.</p>

<p>Good luck to you and your daughter!</p>

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<p>This may be a stretch for her and perhaps something to aspire to in the future, but how about camp counseling as a summer job? There are camps that offer riding to the campers as an activity, so she could work in that field, and spending time with youngsters is very fulfiling (if very hard work). The outdoors, rustic scene may also be a fit…</p>

<p>Just an idea…she would most likely need to be a HS senior or college aged but I wondered if it was something she might like to try in a few years?</p>

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<p>One more idea, just in time for spring.</p>

<p>Put her to work out in the garden.</p>

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<p>A couple things: first, congratulations to all in your family for realizing that your daughter’s mental health is a precious thing that you need to protect and nourish. Second, I’m glad you put quotation marks around “happy” in the following: “she WANTS to do something she completely adores and is very much wanting to be as “happy” as she knows her friends to be.” But I think “as she knows her friends to be” needs quotation marks, too. When my daughter is unhappy, she compares herself to other kids and says, “Why am I not happy like them?” To which I reply, every time, “You don’t know if they’re happy or not. In fact, chances are they’re not. They may just cover up things.” Now, this isn’t to downplay your daughter’s very real and painful problems, but it does help a bit, I think, to give teenagers some sense of perspective. I realize that I have this perspective because I’m nearly 50, but it doesn’t hurt to start your kids on the path of understanding that they shouldn’t compare their inner lives to those of other people.</p>