<p>My D has always been a high anxiety, fly off the handle kind of kid. When she was little she sucked her thumb, but now I see that she has developed another habit…she rubs her lips to the point where they peel and then she pulls off the loose skin. She does this almost constantly. I find it very disgusting and I would imagine others do too. How much do I say/intervene to help her get over this habit? What can actually be done to help? Is it better to ignore?</p>
<p>She has graduated with honors from college and is starting grad school (and a job) and will be moving away at the end of the summer!</p>
<p>This isn’t a habit. It’s a symptom. I don’t think you should try to intervene. If she wants to deal with the issue, she will – probably by seeking some kind of treatment for the underlying anxiety problem that it is linked to. But she’s an adult, so it’s up to her.</p>
<p>Our son constantly pulled on his beard. As others mentioned, nagging someone about such a habit doesn’t work and may even be counter-productive. We had some success in giving him a ‘worry stone’, a round stone with a small depression that you can keep in your pocket and rub when you feel the urge.</p>
<p>I agree with the poster who suggested that this is a symptom rather than a habit; it could be in indication of an underlying anxiety disorder or OCD. Is your relationship such that you can speak to her about it–lovingly? Perhaps you could encourage her to speak with a professional who can help her to determine if she needs treatment.</p>
<p>I don’t know if it is a habit or a symptom, but it has taken me years to keep my fingers away from my mouth. I am a nail biter and skin peeler(around the nails). It took my son’s illness to really end this, as he was immune suppressed and it was not good for him to have a mom like that. My oldest still has trouble with finger in the mouth and picking at his skin on his hands. Another son scratches all of the time. He has eczema, but even with the creams and treatment, the motion has developed into a habit. </p>
<p>It is ever so difficult to break these symptoms, syndromes, habits, whatever they may be. It took me tremendous motivation and focus to quit. I finally got some sympathy for smokers when I went through the process. I used to equate smoking like my loving to binge eat certain foods that I can’t resist and will eat till the box is gone, but I know now it is not at all the same thing. </p>
<p>But when it is a body part involved, it is even more difficult since you can’t just not bring the contraband with you. You’re stuck with it. </p>
<p>It seems my family had a list of such issues. One of my brothers kept pulling at one of his eyebrows much to my mother’s consternation. We all laugh at his pictures from those days when he had only one eyebrow. </p>
<p>I think your D has to be truly motivated to quit doing this. It took having a kid in a life threatening situation for me to stop, and I tried for years. You can offer to help her with quitting, but to try to force her by nagging and complaining is not the way to go. There may be some nasty tasting chapsticks with some bitter apple or such on them that can aid the process, but SHE has to be the one controlling the quitting, not you.</p>
<p>Nagging isn’t going to help the situation. If she truly has anxiety issues, she may want to seek treatment before she moves to NYC and begins the next phase of her life. </p>
<p>On a side note: If she’s “prone to flying off the handle”, I don’t understand why she intends on going into teaching–especially special ed.</p>
<p>I am a lot like cpt although somewhere along the line I did get over the nailbiting, but still often pick at the skin around the fingernails and dry chapped skin on the lips. I tend not to wear lipstick or gloss so in order to stop myself from touching my lips especially during the winter when they chap easier, I try to surround myself with lip balms - like a worry stone, I carry them coat or pants pockets, I leave one lying out on my desk at work, and on the nightstand next to my bed etc. Their constant presence has helped me think twice about touching my lips and reaching for the lip balm instead! But it does take self-control or if the problem is serious enough, your D could resort to CBT therapy which is often used for OCD issues. And I would not nag but gently suggest since your D must first want to change this behavior herself.</p>
<p>My oldest peeled at the skin around his fingernails. He wasn’t aware he was doing it. It was worse when he was nervous. We gave him several stretchy bug toys to fiddle with instead. He simply had to have something to ‘mess’ with when he was anxious. Obviously a grown woman can’t carry bug toys (although as our son got older we just cut legs off so it was a simple square ), but something in her pocket to turn to other than her mouth would help…usually something to manipulate. This was a coping tool given to us by his Dr. and a perfectly acceptable alternative to the habit she turns to during times of anxiety. If she chooses to get help she may be able to stop altogether. This is simply a coping tool that worked for our son.</p>
<p>NOTE:
I crossed posts with scansmom… a worrystone is perfect!!!</p>
<p>My son’s been a chronic nail biter since he was a little kid. Not just the nails, but the skin around them, to the point where he’s gotten some rather severe infections several times. And nothing we tried (including painting that foul-tasting stuff you can buy on his nails when he was young) ever worked. He still does it, at the age of 20, perhaps not as much – although I know his thumb got badly infected just this year. I finally talked him into going to the health center, where they had to treat it with oral antibiotics. </p>
<p>He also used to bite his toenails (and his toes) when he was little, but thank God he doesn’t do that anymore!</p>
<p>Skin-picking and hair-pulling are related and cognitive behavioral therapy is the way therapists approach it. CBT is, essentially, a program to break habits, to put things in more “normal” terms.</p>
<p>My son never had much of a problem until he went to college. When he had a lot of reading, he would pull his eyebrow hairs out. We did not want to pathologize things too much, but I did let him know there was therapeutic help, and left it at that. He hinted, a few months later, that he had seen a therapist.</p>
<p>So, you can help by being informed, presenting it sensitively, including help that is available, and then stepping back, I think.</p>
<p>Son picks his scalp. Started freshman year of college and has gradually become much more infrequent but occasionally I see it. We are parents. We see everything. Chill.</p>
<p>Years ago, I saw this discussed on Dr. Phil. There was something about the need to replace a “bad habit” with a “better habit”. The “worry stone” would be good. Some people pull garden weeds, some people clean (but not obsessively…LOL), clean out drawers, knit, crochet, do needlepoint, etc.</p>
<p>Having chapped lips surely wouldn’t help this problem. One thing I do (and Ds do now, too) is put some chapstick or lip balm on right when I go to sleep. I think I just said to Ds (both) at some point that their lips look sort of chapped, and that doing this before they go to sleep can minimize how often they have to put on balm during the day (made it sound like it would make their lives easier…). And then I bought them a new lip balm (they favor Burt’s Bees) and put it next to their bed. Worked, they both do it now :)</p>
<p>I’m guessing your daughter does this so inadvertently that she’s not at all aware of it. If she catches herself doing it, she’s not aware that she’s doing this ALL THE TIME. You have a hard time changing a behavior if you’re not even aware you are doing it. Awareness will help her to slow down the frequency, even if it doesn’t stop. </p>
<p>I’m trying to picture this, but does her habit of rubbing her lips bug you, or is the peeling her skin get to you, or does it simply bother you that she’s constantly touching her face/lips/mouth? </p>
<p>Whatever it is, I suggest you “happen” to video-tape your daughter doing this. Only after you tape it, THEN talk about it. Explain that you think it’s off-putting, especially in a professional setting and seeing a video of this, she might be more objective. It’s helpful if you explain the benefit of stopping it. </p>
<p>You might even try to tie it to her career: ask her to try to discontinue this habit just like some other behavior she might be helping her students to stop (with a rewards chart?)</p>
<p>PS, "i loved this comment: “We are parents. We see everything. Chill.”</p>
<p>You might want to read Karen Pryor’s Dont Shoot the Dog. She has a chapter on how to make new habits and break old ones using learning theory. She addresses nail biting but the same ideas could easily be used for this habit.</p>
<p>Interesting. I’ve also been a “picker”, scabs, scalp, nails, etc all my life, and I love to weed. I never made the association before, but it’s exactly the same kind of soothing habit. I also agree it’s a very difficult habit to break.</p>
), but something in her pocket to turn to other than her mouth would help…usually something to manipulate. This was a coping tool given to us by his Dr. and a perfectly acceptable alternative to the habit she turns to during times of anxiety. If she chooses to get help she may be able to stop altogether. This is simply a coping tool that worked for our son.</p>