Well, everyone, these first two years as a ChemE wanting to go to NASA have been interesting. The first year, I got 3.87 both terms (thanks to one B+ both times!), acted in plays, maintained a long distance relationship, and had a lovely time.
Then everything changed.
Over the summer, my relationship started to become abusive. My family knew it from the beginning that something was wrong, but I thought it was okay and brushed it off.
First semester, I assistant directed a play, but much of my attention started to fade as this girl (who decided to take a gap year) continued to manipulate me. Sadly, I let her affect my test performance. I always got my work done, but the constant need for attention decreased my studying habits. That one C in Calc III (despite being taught by Boca) really hurt my heart, and I got a 3.17 for the semester.
However, stupidly, I brushed it off. And went in with my 3.67 overall GPA.
In identical fashion, while assistant directing a play and doing all of my work, I proceeded to get a C in Linear Algebra and a C+ in MCB 450. In the middle of that term, I finally broke it off with my abuser (who I didn’t know was abusive until I blocked her in July). I couldn’t focus, which makes me feel so ashamed at how distracted I got and how “lazy” I seemed to be due to my test performance. I spent time with my friends to help me feel better, all the while keeping a book in front of me because of my discipline. However, this resulted in a 2.86 for the term.
Now, thanks to two years of summer classes (thanks, Parkland!), my current “status report” shows a 3.53 Overall GPA and a 3.33 Major GPA. I know that if none of this drama ever happened, I would probably be at a 3.7.
I’m so ashamed at how far I have fallen from grace, but I’m going to be using tutors for the rest of college to save my ass and my hopes of working for NASA someday. I’ve reached out to so many people before for confidence and advice, but the constant putdowns that happened still hurt. (Hell, I only left because I felt guilty for liking someone else.)
What I am saying is this: I feel like an utter disappointment, and unlike myself. Normally, I would sit alone in my room and study. Sophomore year, I seemed to spend time with friends more, but it’s not like I ever went out partying. We all just chilled while I studied.
Am I a disappointment? Can I still go to NASA if I don’t give up and work with Student Space Systems for the rest of college? I could have probably gotten an internship with them had I maintained my GPA, but I still finished a cool Bio-related internship at Pitt.
I’d hate to sound like a worrywart, but I’m so confused. Was I having too much fun with friends? Was the relationship affecting me, especially because she had so much time taking a gap year? Was I on FaceTime all the time, wasting time, because I felt pressured or because I got cocky or lazy? Did I have too much on my plate? Hell, what was I even doing with my time? I remember going to some review sessions and going to rehearsal, but… How much time did I waste just sitting in my room, drinking tea and feeling sad while sitting on my bed while doing my work? How much time did I waste laughing with my friends while having those books in front of me? Did all of those hugs I gave not help me? Hell, I missed class once or twice because I felt so badly. I failed or did poorly on a few exams.
I don’t know what happened. I just didn’t feel like myself. I’m ready to get 4.0’s (or close), SOMEHOW as a ChemE. And I probably still only look good because I did well in 200-level classes my first year. Thanks, Gen-Eds.
Sorry to sound frantic, but my perspective is messed up, and I CAN’T and DON’T want to have any more horrible semesters. Help me, my dudes.
(What is this, a freakin’ Greek tragedy? I don’t know why or how this all became unraveled. The whirligig of time has certainly brought its revenges to this almost straight-A student.)