<p>Dentist talked with me -lectured me- that my son wasn’t doing a good job of brushing his teeth. Really!! I’m still laughing about this. Son is 19 ~and bearded so he looks even older. What am I suppose to do? I gave the dentist a blank stare. And, get-this, he had no cavities! I suppose if he’d needed expensive work I would want to know since he’s on our insurance. My mistake for being in the waiting room. I’m really ready to let go if society will let me!</p>
<p>I hope the dentist gave your son the same speech. If not, shame on him! Since your son is an adult, you’re not even legally allowed to know what the dentist found in his mouth!</p>
<p>The trouble with dental care is that once young people are on their own, it’s something they tend to forget about. They have to take the initiative to find a dentist and set up an initial appointment, and they tend to wait too long.</p>
<p>Then one day, they do go to a dentist – perhaps because a filling or crown fell out – and they discover that they need so much work that they will max out on their dental insurance for that year.</p>
<p>It’s a fairly brutal lesson to learn. One of my kids learned it.</p>
<p>I learned that lesson the hard way, too. I always had strong teeth - not even a single cavity. So why should my new husband or I spend money on a dentist?? What I FORGOT to ask was if my husband’s teeth were similar. They aren’t! He gets cavities if he even looks at sugar. So we had quite a large bill to pay. My teeth were fine. I did get one tiny cavity at 30, but that was it.</p>
<p>snugapug, I’m facing the same issues with my 18-year-old son. I get lectures from the dentist and periodontist. The “kid” is 6’-1" and 250 pounds. What am I supposed to do?? I’ve practically begged him to brush and floss regularly, and he doesn’t. We already paid for one expensive periodontal procedure. I told him we’re not paying for another!</p>
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The dentist is violating HIPAA regulations! Haha! My dentist does the same thing, and so does my doctor. (My dentist even tells me about my parents.)</p>
<p>Once they turn 18 - they go to the doctor and dentist by themselves! What a convenience!</p>
<p>I don’t think I forgot about oral hygiene when I left my parent’s home (Good Grief!). I continued to wipe my own butt too. No cavities is very nice, and to a certain degree random and/or genetic, but you can also be susceptible to gum disease if you do not properly take care of your teeth. </p>
<p>I found that my interest in my own teeth increased dramatically when I had to pay for the bills myself (This applied specifically to orthodontics).</p>
<p>^ oh dear, glad you continued to *** not really a funny story</p>
<p>I think you all are getting a little too hung-up on dentistry, and missing the larger point ~</p>
<p>Snug… I get your point… It’s so nice to just say “And?” Why is he telling you this- it’s not your problem. </p>
<p>When are these people going to stop looking at you as if you are responsible for your kid…who is legally not a kid anymore, he’s an adult with his own responsibilities.</p>
<p>I didn’t feel good about reaching the “not my problem” stage when one of my kids mishandled something that he/she might have handled skillfully if I had taught/convinced the kid to do it properly.</p>
<p>I certainly do not feel good about my son’s whopping dental bill after he went three years without dental care. I feel that I failed as a parent for not having successfully taught him about the importance of regular dental care before he reached 18.</p>
<p>For me, the “not my problem” thinking has operated more like a dimmer switch rather than on on-off switch, more of a “this shouldn’t be my problem”. For example, on DS’s dental issue, I got the same comment from the dentist, but I realized that she was making it because DS had shrugged her off. I took it as a heads-up that the cavity bills were coming and told him that he’d have to pay for them. He ended up paying for two on the next visit and then upped his hygiene routine. When I was sure he wasn’t going to move backwards, I gave him the money back. These aggravation-filled letting go instances make it all the sweeter!</p>
<p>Am I the only one who feels bad when my grown kids screw up because it implies that I failed as a parent in that particular aspect of their lives?</p>
<p>My kids are in their twenties. To me, how they cope with their lives seems like my final exam in Parenting (and my husband’s, but he’s the sort who feels that he did his parental duty by earning a good living and nothing else matters).</p>
<p>When things don’t go well for my kids, I wonder whether they could have done better if I had been a more skillful and effective parent. And when they face unexpected situations, I wonder what I could have done to ensure that they were well prepared for those situations.</p>
<p>I don’t think I’ll ever truly reach the “not my problem” stage in life, it could be cultural or just my personality or both. I feel that I will always worry about my son and will always want to be involved, I know it’s not a common view in the US but it is what it is and it will never feel natural to me to say that I don’t really care about what he does…</p>
<p>FYI: when I went to visit my 88 year old mom last night, she wanted to know if I am still brushing and flossing on a regular basis. It never ends.</p>
<p>That’s hilarious, snugapug. I guess he is so used to dealing with helicopter parents that he just assumes you are one. OR he is one himself!</p>
<p>LOL to musicamusica’s comment about 88 year old mom still doing her job! Hey, you can’t blame her for trying to feel useful!</p>
<p>I WISH my Mom were around to tell me stuff like that (though she never really did, now that I think of it).</p>
<p>Emily, I agree. I will always care and I hope they keep me in the loop.</p>
<p>Am I the only one with high school kids who makes them pay if it is their fault? You can bet there was some serious flossing and brushing going on before the last appointment (but to be fair, I’ve been on them all their lives about this, so it is ingrained by now - I didn’t spring it on them) I told them I pay for things they didn’t cause to happen. They have excellent teeth, so if cavities develop now, it’s on them (none did, thankfully…I might have wimped out). I also made my daughter purchase a new retainer when she promptly threw one away at lunch the day she got it (she’s always been a bit absent-minded). Did not happen again, I can tell you.</p>
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<p>Marian, according to the kids’ ped dentist, it might not have been anyone’s fault. There are some unfortunate people who simply have deep crevices that grow bacteria more easily. Maybe yours is one and you didn’t know. I also felt the same way when my oldest needed serious dental work because she sucked her thumb until age 7, no matter how hard we tried to discourage it. I thought it was MY fault, but the ortho said that some kids are thumbsuckers and end up with beautiful teeth that don’t even need braces, like his own. Others have terrible teeth, whether or not they were thumbsuckers.</p>
<p>You just never know. All you can do is the best you can do from this moment.</p>
<p>I’ll tell you about the flip-side of the OP:</p>
<p>I’ll speak to a mom about their preteen or young teen who has poor (or no) oral hygiene, and may or may not have multiple cavities or inflamed gums. The mom will say “I hope you gave him what for!”, to which I’ll reply “I see them twice a year, you see them every day”.</p>
<p>I had always thought I’d view the ages between 18-21 as adults, but with a safety-net (and then later years a safety-net for life altering emergencies. And always there to give advise but only if asked) I feel uncomfortable with this continuing-stage-of-motherhood. I want to be free!!</p>
<p>“Am I the only one who feels bad when my grown kids screw up because it implies that I failed as a parent in that particular aspect of their lives?”</p>
<p>Marian, I know how you feel - but am starting to realize that I DID do what I could, taught what I could, advised what I could, etc. </p>
<p>Whether or not my kids choose to take what was learned and use it or choose to be obstinate and “independent” and try it their way, it is now their life and their mistakes to learn from. It is pretty awful sometimes when the inside of my head is thinking “I TOLD you SO!” “I TOLD you SO!” “I TOLD you SO MANY TIMES!!” but I just have to listen and say “Hmmm…” </p>
<p>It is interesting when you have several kids too - for me, one kid does follow quite a lot of what was put out there for use - and another tries every single stinkin’ thing their own way and generally ends up burned. I guess it’s good I’m not in sales - that one kid was never buying anything I was selling.</p>