<p>I still find it imperative that they understand that they aren’t ALWAYS in charge. That is life. They have teachers in charge of their grades at school. They WILL have a BOSS who is in charge at their work. They will find that even with their friends and acquaintances that they won’t always get it their way and they will have to cooperate. They will need to understand the importance of cooperation, courtesy, and respect. And when they come home for vacations and the summer, that I and their mother are still in charge.</p>
<p>That’s not to say that we treat them like babies or even like it was when they were in high school. But they will still have common courtesy. We will agree on a time to come home. They will be there for dinner. If they make other plans or things change with their current plans, they just need to simply call. If they aren’t home when they said they would, and forgot to call to have the courtesy to say they would be late; (That’s all we ask); then the door get’s dead bolted for the night. Daughter only happened once. She wound up sleeping in the car in the driveway. </p>
<p>May seem unreasonable, but it’s not. I don’t set curfews, but I want to know when they will be home. Or the door gets locked. I don’t mind feeding them, but they will show up on time for dinner or they can buy their own dinner. I pay their college; I give them a car to use; (Which they’ll wind up keeping after graduation). I pay for their medical and dental. I give them money each month for whatever; etc… Just as in life, there are always somethings that you have to account to another person for. I and their mother taught them many things growing up. I don’t believe that we are suppose to stop teaching them just because they go off to college. Now, once they are paying all their bills; including medical and car insurance. They are paying their own rent. Buying their own food. Have their own job. etc… Then they have earned the right to make all the rules. Of course, they will have learned that when they go to work, relate with friends; meet people on the street; all interaction; that there is a level of common courtesy, respect, and cooperation that will still be required of them.</p>
<p>We had to deal with these issues early on. Our freshman daughter goes to school in center city Philadelphia about 35 minutes from our home. She works about 3 weekends a month as an entertainer at Bar and Bat Mitzvahs. Many of her jobs are night affairs and she doesn’t finish up until 12 or 1 am. We didn’t want her traveling back to center city Phila and walking to her dorm alone at 2-3 am so she comes home on those weekends. When her jobs finish, she sometimes goes out to all night diners with her coworkers to wind down so she may not come home until 2-4 am.</p>
<p>For us, the issue has been safety and communication. We affirmatively want our daughter to sleep at our home on weekends when she has night jobs. At the same time, we don’t want to turn into sleep deprived zombies because we are staying up listening for her to arrive. So the deal we worked out is that if her job is local, she calls us when the job is over to tell us whether she is going out with her coworkers. If her job is located more than 1 hour from her employers office, she calls us when she arrives back at the office and again tells us what her plans are. If she is working a Saturday but comes home Friday night and goes out with friends, same deal - communication about where she is going and when she expects to be home, call if plans change.</p>
<p>It’s been an interesting adjustment having a third “independent adult” in the house on weekends who also happens to be our “little girl”. So far it has worked well; she calls and we can sleep. (Although, as an aside, some of the best conversations we’ve had with her have occurred at 3 am when she comes in from a job and there are no distractions.)</p>
<p>jmmom, I think your strategy with the cell phone sounds good.</p>
<p>DS is a good kid, so I had fallen sound asleep without worrying, but he’s never been one to stay out late. Him staying out until 3am the very first break from college was just SUCH a stereotype…</p>
<p>Once I woke up at 3:15 am, I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I was a bit ticked. My other concern is that his 15 year old sister not get any ideas that this is acceptable for her! DS has always been a responsible, clean-nosed kid. Didn’t even hang around with any kids who ever got into trouble. DD is also a good kid, but more social and more adventurous. She usually makes good decisions but has a few friends who are prone to pushing the limits - not really wild, but if they think they can get away with something, they’ll try it. She makes a habit of knowing exactly what DS was allowed to do so that she can try to do at LEAST as much.</p>
<p>Since Friday night, DS has only left the house to go to a local store and buy Red Sox regalia, and to go to Mass with us. Most of his friends apparently aren’t home this weekend. He’s chilling with football and baseball playoffs on TV. </p>
<p>Last night we had a nice “family games” night with just the 4 of us. We played Pictionary, the kids against the parents, the kids smoked us badly! Then we watched old family videos and laughed. We tried to do “family game night” about once a month, usually Monopoly or Canasta, before DS left for college. I think it’s one of the most important things we do - we laugh and have a great time together. I think I treasure that time more than any other we spend as a family.</p>
<p>I don’t think it should be hard for your 15 year old high school student daughter to understand that her brother who is several years older and is in college has privileges which she is not allowed yet. I am sure that he was allowed to do many things over the years that she was not old enough for yet.</p>