Hey guys and ladies can I get some urgent help in here please

Transfer Students
1

<p>I have to turn this in like today and I was wondering if someone can critique it for me? I’d REAAAALLY appreciate it. Thanks in advance :)</p>

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<p>my essay:</p>

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2

<p>In my opinion, your essay lacks focus. You spend the majority of your essay talking about your mother, but your connection to the topic of the essay listed is, I feel, very weak. Telling your university that you plan to graduate from their school with honors in two years comes off as arrogant as well…There is no need to tell the people reading your app. that their school has a great reputation, if it in fact does im sure that they know it very well…sloppy in spots…i dont know how competitive the school that you are applying to is, it would probably help to know, but you’ll probably want to spend some more time on this</p>

3

<p>The 2 year remark is because i’ve already done 2 years at community college, I don’t know should I take it out?</p>

<p>any suggestions to fix it where you think its sloppy?</p>

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<p>what school are you applying to? i know people are often furtive about this kind of stuff, but knowing the level of competition for the school is probably relevant here</p>

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<p>changed a couple of parts</p>

6

<p>hey duffle.</p>

<p>the school is a very tough school to get into as a freshan (average freshman this year had a 3.9 gpa) but as a transfer its not so hard. a friend of mine transfered in with a 2.6 gpa from the same CC as I. My advisor said my gpa should get me in. we’ll see.</p>

<p>anybody have any recommendations to add/cut out in the essay?</p>

<p>thanks again</p>

7

<p>i still don’t really see how the second paragraph is very relevant…im still curious as to what the school is, if you want information from us you need not be so furtive…i don’t know if youve really expressed adequate enthusiasm in the school that you are applying to, beyond that you can take the metrobus there…it kind of looks rushed, lots of the language is weak</p>

8

<p>I wasn’t planning on transfering this semester so this is a rushed application for admittance</p>

<p>What else can I write about?</p>

<p>edit</p>

<p>btw its University of Maryland</p>

<p>thanks</p>

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<p>to the top</p>

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<p>wait…your applying for next semester?</p>

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<p>no, this semester. last minute.</p>

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<p>thanks alot for all the help dufflebag.</p>

<p>hope you caught that sarcasm.</p>

<p>anybody else have any tips for me to fix this paper up a little?</p>

13

<p>I think you need to change your essay a little. You should focus more on how this college is good and your intellectual hunger because…honestly, reading your essay, you sound like a stats hunter.</p>

<p>It seems like your primary reason for why you want to go in is because

  1. Its ranked highly
  2. Its near and convenient
  3. You want a degree so that you can get a job and provide for your mom</p>

<p>Even if all these are true, you should try to sound less mercenary. For example, talk more about the diversity of the campus and how enriching that is, and play down on the fact that you live near. Maybe something like “the proximity to my home would allow me to engage with the vibrant school culture” and so on.</p>

<p>I do think that you need to summarise the 2nd paragraph. The last paragraph is good but do try to change the last sentence, since last impressions are lasting impressions.</p>

<p>Hope this helps</p>