<p>Topic : what motivates people to change.</p>
<pre><code> Sir Isaac Newton stated in his 3rd law of motion, “For every reaction there is an equal and opposite reaction.” This assertion holds true to what what motivates people to change. For instance if a person becomes distressed then they will gain motivation to placate that stress. From literature, in The Grapes of Wrath, it is lucid that Tom gains motivation to move to California because of financial issues as well as the torpid life he lives in Oklohama. History as well has given us a plehtora of evidence to buttress this thesis. For example, Germany, after WW I was devastated and almost in complete ruin. This caused distress and so, the Germanic people placated the stress by adhering to the Nazi party, unknowningly, in hopes of getting better.
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<p>I was thinking of adding how labor unions and stuff also but it will make my intro paragraph take up 3/4 of the page… (right now it takes up 2/3).
Is this an ok intro?
How would you rate it. I think it kind of lacks… i thought it would be about a 7 or 8.
Thanks for rating it!</p>
<p>This seems like a fairly long intro – how are you going to have time to handwrite all of that and still have room to finish the rest of the essay in 20 minutes? Leave the argument about individual examples for the body of the essay.</p>
<p>You have a couple of awkward places… I’m not sure if this was the kind of feedback you were looking for, but here goes.
–“This assertion holds true to what motivates people to change.” I’m not sure this is the best way to express this idea – “true to what motivates” sounds kind of weird. Perhaps replace “to” with “regarding.”
–“For instance if a person becomes distressed then they will gain motivation to placate that stress.” You need commas! When you add them, you can take out “then,” like so: “For instance, if a person becomes distressed, they will gain motivation to placate that stress.”
–There’s no need to say “from literature” – your essay graders have heard of The Grapes of Wrath.
–“it is lucid” … this is not an incorrect use of “lucid,” but it’s kind of awkward. You could just say “clear” and leave the vocab words for more appropriate places.
–You keep saying “gains motivation.” Why not just “is motivated”?
–“For example, Germany, after WW I was devastated” – commas again. It should be like this, “For example, Germany was devasted and almost in complete ruin after WWI” or “Germany, for example, was devastated and…”
–You keep saying “placated the stress” after using the word “distress.” Distress and stress are not really the same thing, so this is kind of unclear.
–The last sentence is unclear – nobody “unknowingly adhered to the Nazi party.” People knew they were joining the party, they just may not have been sure what they were getting themselves into. Also, “in hopes of getting better” – what do they hope will get better? The country’s economic “distress”? Or their own personal “stress”?</p>
<p>Sounds like you’ve got some good body of evidence to back up your claims! Just make sure you can express yourself clearly and this will be a great essay.</p>
<p>^Ok so shorten it up a bit. Less wordiness. And have a stellar conclusion :D. Thanks. Ah and I see now what you mean about the germany one. Ya i wrote this in about 4 minutes after seeing the topic. I just found it possibly one of the easier ones for me to write about. I have trouble with commas A LOT though :(.</p>