Hey guys!
Basically, the last time I was here was a few years back… after having gotten into a college with a full scholarship. I was so excited! Now, I’m in my sophomore year, and there have been some updates. I’ll explain them all and then tie them into why I’m despairing right now.
I came from a first-gen family, both the first one to be born in the US, and the first person to graduate high school. I did well in school, although I found it very breezy and didn’t ever find it hard to be the best of those around me.
Now, it’s different. I’m in a school where everyone was valedictorian. Last year, I did ok, but, being the type of person who constantly compares myself to others, I didn’t do as well as those around me. By the end of my second semester, I had a 3.3 GPA. For context, I’m a STEM major, but have always been unsure about what I wanted to do. I was always interested in forensics, etc, but somehow found myself saying I wanted to be pre-med, both from my parents wanting it, to it being the pathway that would challenge me most.
Sadly, my lowest grades were in Science classes. I seem to have a lingering excuse that could be used for it (Liver damage first year, now some other type of issue that has yet to be diagnosed). BUT, at this point, I know deep down that it’s not just those external factors. I took an exam not long ago in a neurobiology course, and barely passed. I was sad, but saw it coming, as the exam was just harder than what I’d been testing myself on. Today, I got the results on an easier science class, which I genuinely thought was in the bag. I finished first, remembered everything (I have a bad, bad memory and ADHD, which may or may not have something to do with it, but who knows), and just felt overall so confident. Today I got my results, and I scored lowest in the whole class, which, while it IS small, still crushed me.
Now, I just feel stupid. Everyone is telling me my study habits are wrong, but I know the material. I go to office hours, the professors say I have it down, and then I go into an exam and have point after point taken off for using the wrong term, or being too vague, etc. I feel like I’m stretched so thin, even with 4 classes. It makes me so sad to lag behind literally everyone in the class, even when I spend so much time studying. I know for a fact some of my friends goof off and still somehow ace everything, while I have no friends, no social life, no places to go, no activities, no clubs, literally nothing, and I do horribly.
Here’s my rant, thank you guys. I cried so much today, lol.