High school boys and internet porn

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I need some advice from you wise parents, since you were helpful before.</p>

<p>Occasionally, I go through my son’s internet history, which I did last night. I notice that he sometimes does “private browsing”, but I usually just see Facebook, blogs, etc. </p>

<p>However, last night, he did not remember to turn on the private browsing, and I happened to see that he had visited close to a dozen porn sites. Now these were not “soft” porn, but “hard core”, and so disgusting, revolting and upsetting to a mother that I had to close them up. </p>

<p>I am no prude, and realize that 18 year old boys like to think about sex, masterbate, etc. But I was very upset by these images, particularly because I find that the women are so compromised, and I don’t like objectified women like that. Porn is not real sex, and I think it gives people the wrong idea of what to expect in a loving sexual relationship.</p>

<p>I did confront him, and he acted nonchalant, and told me that these sites were “not as bad” as some he has heard about, and that he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with porn. I was shocked and so upset. I wondered what we could possibly have done wrong in raising him for him to have such an opinion. He did say he can separate real relationships from this kind of image, and he did have a girlfriend for a year. They may have been sexually active, but I don’t know for sure. I don’t know if he was looking at porn when he was seeing her or not. </p>

<p>This is a family laptop (with separate accounts, so there isn’t a chance the younger children would see it), and I have told him he can’t have the computer for awhile at night, which made him mad, because he likes to chat with his friends late at night too. I don’t know whether he looks at porn every night, but he went directly to these sites, so I assume he has been there before.</p>

<p>I don’t know what to do. I feel like a failure as a parent in so many ways, because it was bad enough seeing this, but worse to hear that he wasn’t at all contrite. He really didn’t think there was anything wrong. Is this as abnormal as I think it is? Can’t people become addicted to porn?</p>

<p>Thank you for your help.</p>

2

<p>I understand your concern but he’s a typical teenager boy. I wish I could say more but, I’m not a parent. Just don’t stress yourself out.</p>

3

<p>MOM WHY WOULD YOU POST THIS ON A PUBLIC SITE!!!</p>

<p>jk,.There’s not much you can about it. College is right around the corner, so I think it’s better to let him make his own decisions. He’ll mature and come around eventually.</p>

4

<p>I don’t think porn is harmless. The porn industry is not victimless. Does your son really want to support the porn industry? Does he understand what that means? </p>

<p>(I have a similar argument for those who say drugs are not a big deal… do you really want to put money in the pockets of terrorists?)</p>

5

<p>Sailaway,
I get what you are saying. Boys (maybe girls, too) will look at porn. In the “old days” they had to sneak around, hide the mags, etc. I do not think this is a bad thing, as it serves to reinforce the family’s norms of behavior. And no, I am not a prude, just a mother, like the OP, who is concerned about our sons learning that objectifying women is not supported by our family’s value system.</p>

<p>But, what does it say when the porn is not only easily accessible, but brought into our homes by a service we pay for (internet)? </p>

<p>I have no easy answers. I do not think that what your son is doing is “abnormal.” He is exploring, and this is probably no different at its source than kids from a previous generation passing around one boy’s father’s Playboy magazines. I do think you are on the right track by communicating to him that this is not acceptable in your household and explaining why (calmly). This is not what women really look like and this is not a healthy way to interact with women.</p>

<p>One of our most difficult tasks in raising boys in our culture is to raise them to respect women as people and individuals.</p>

6

<p>I think porn is something most boys will look into at some point. A friend of mine noticed her 16 year old son sitting on a lawn chair (in the snow) in their front yard last week with his PSP. All porn sites were blocked in their house, but out curiosity, he hooked up to the neighbor’s unfettered wireless internet which he could access from the front lawn. My friend talked to him about why he was interested and how ridiculous it was to see him in a lawn chair in the snow. She didn’t come down on him too hard, but now knows that she has to be extra vigilant and make sure he’s doing nothing more than being curious. Your son may not have been overly contrite because he may have been casually curious - which is normal. Probably best to discuss with him the values you want him to have that are not present in porn, and keep an eye on how much porn he’s seeing. Unless it becomes a regular problem, you probably dont need to be concerned.</p>

7

<p>As a woman, I don’t love porn. As a teenager, I can understand why it would be attractive. We’re all curious, many of us wonder what sex is like, and this is probably as close as we can get without actually having sex. </p>

<p>I understand that porn is not like the real thing, but I don’t think you really have anything to worry about. From the sounds of things, your son has had a successful (semi-) long-term relationship, and to do that you have to know how to treat your S/O with respect.</p>

<p>I’ll be the first to admit that I do look at porn from time to time. It’s something I struggle with very much because it’s against my beliefs, but at the same time, I don’t know…something about it is just attractive to teenagers. It’s almost like a “forbidden fruit” type complex. We want to know what all the fuss is about.</p>

<p>You also have to realize that he’ll be in college soon, and would definitely be exposed to it there if he hadn’t been before. Not that you should just let him have at, but rather that it (sadly) has become “the norm” in our society and that everyone gets exposed to it at some point.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t worry too much, sailaway, unless it becomes an addiction and he can no longer have a healthy relationship. :)</p>

8

<p>I Like Sex! Very Nicee!</p>

9

<p>Jesus christ. He’s 18, and you’re worrying about him viewing porn? Give me a break. </p>

<p>Porn does not objectify women alone, men are also objectified. It is by its very nature a fantasy-laden portrayal of sex. It is meant to be a primal and lu****l, rather than a loving and caring, portrayal of sex. If porn was acted like most real world relationships, it would be a bore. You don’t go to cop movies or lawyer movies to watch people being busted for DUI’s or to watch proceedings in divorce court…you go to see an unrealistic, exciting chase, shoot-em-up scene or murder trial. </p>

<p>Anyone who thinks porn translates into the real world is naive to begin with. Why don’t you let him find out on his own? After all, he is a sovereign adult.</p>

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<p>Yes teenagers are going to explore, but the internet has opened them to more perverse sites. </p>

<p>On the parental note, you have every right to restrict his use of the “family” computer. It certainly will not stop him, but it does send a message that in your house it is not promoted.</p>

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<p>Honestly, I don’t see what the problem is…yes, it is objectifying, but the people in the porn are choosing to be there (except for in the cases of child pornography and such, which IMO is very wrong) and to participate.</p>

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<p>It sounds like he’s mature enough to realize that porn is not an accurate representation of sex or relationships in general. As long as he can separate porn from everyday, caring relationships, I think he’s fine.</p>

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<p>Have any of you looked at the porn that is available on the internet these days? It’s not harmless. It’s not Playboy and a bunch of overly large breasts. It’s mostly thoroughly disgusting garbage that shouldn’t be entering anyone’s brain. The issue isn’t objectification or accuracy or even “normal exploration”–it’s garbage. You wouldn’t bring garbage into your house, don’t bring in porn. </p>

<p>As for the people in porn “choosing to be there”–sure, some of them are. But a lot of them are abused women (try reading Linda Lovelace’s biography sometime for a different perspective: [Linda</a> Lovelace - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linda_Lovelace]Linda”>Linda Lovelace - Wikipedia) ).</p>

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<p>I want to hear your argument for WHY it shouldn’t be entering anyone’s brain. If you don’t like it, don’t look at it. Simple as that. If you really feel strongly for those “abused women”, take the porn industry to court (and I’m not being sarcastic, I’m perfectly serious).</p>

<p>My point is that you sitting here complaining about how awful it is isn’t accomplishing anything…in fact, as I said earlier, I think for many teenagers, when they hear their parents talking about how evil porn is and how disgusting it is, it makes them want to look at it even more to figure out just why it’s so awful.</p>

15

<p>Relax, your kid is normal. (Why do mothers always wonder why their sons do not think as they do? Fathers don’t do that with daughters.) </p>

<p>Tell him you don’t like these sites and that the family computer is never to be used to view for such things.</p>

<p>Then have his Dad give him a computer lesson. Specifically: How to erase browser viewing history and cookies. Everyone be happier.</p>

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<p>The objectification of women is separate from the the fact that the “actresses” chose to be there. The objectification is the entire point of most porn: the notion that the women are there for the purpose of fulfilling the desires of men.</p>

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<p>

No comment on porn. Just found this chuckle-worthy. ;)</p>

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<p>Part 1: When my son was in high school (age 16), I had the only high-speed internet connection, on my desktop machine. (This was back in the dark ages before wireless routers). I came home one day and found many pictures of topless, enormous-breasted women in the Netscape cache. </p>

<p>I called my son to my room and announced that it was time for a lesson in “how to clear the Netscape cache” after use.</p>

<p>He was very embarrassed and said he never really looked at that stuff but was “just curious” to see what was there. I told him that ‘curious’ was also the reason everyone else looked at those sites.</p>

<p>Part 2: When my son came home from his first semester at college, his laptop had become infected with a virus and he asked my help. (I’m the computer guru of the household). I ran a scan of his computer and found that the source of the infection was a downloaded porno movie – very hard core. I told him what I had found and that I had deleted the infected file as part of disk cleanup , “apologizing” to him for the unavoidable loss of the film if it was something he wanted to keep. He came up with a highly imaginative and totally unbelievable story about how his college roommates liked to play tricks on him by downloading porn onto his computer when he was away at class. Yeah, sure …</p>

<p>~~~~~~~~
I think its all a phase, and I would hope that my son became more adept at clearing off evidence of this stuff on computers that are likely to be used by his mom. I wouldn’t worry about it, but you certainly have every right to insist that the stuff be kept off of shared computers – by creating your own home “use” policy.</p>

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<p>HisGrace,etc. I told my husband and I told my son and I told my daughter: this stuff is garbage. I didn’t forbid it; I merely found out how to block it and check for it, and did so. Mind you, I think a lot of things are garbage, and shouldn’t be in anyone’s brain, like most advertisements on TV. (And no, we didn’t have TV for many years, and no I don’t watch ads, that’s what Tivo is for.)</p>

<p>As for why it shouldn’t be entering your brain or anyone else’s: it’s designed to be hard to forget, and who wants those images cluttering up their sex life? </p>

<p>My son recently told me he’d recently been to a strip joint with some friends (we were talking about Spitzer). “Did you like it?” “No, not really.” “Why not?” “Everyone looked bored.” Watch a little porn and watch the facial expressions. These are not people who are having fun (“all in a day’s work!”); why would you want to see that? Why would anyone?</p>

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<p>“who wants those images cluttering up their sex life?”</p>

<p>A lot of people, actually. There’s a reason role-playing is so popular; sex can be predictable and boring, and fantasizing about someone else, even if it is a porn star, can be a way to temporarily boost your sex life.</p>

<p>That being said, I think you, dmd77, made a good distinction between finding it unworthy of watching or attention and simply forbidding it. Like others have said, there’s a reason it’s so popular, and as long as those watching don’t think it represents all possibly sexual activity, I see nothing wrong with a little curiousity. Sexuality is a natural and, especially during high school and college, large part of life.</p>