Okay it’s just been one of those days, so here goes another long-winded half-rant (but you guys seem like a supportive bunch
):
I feel so inadequate. I said I want to major in English, but do I really? Yes, I like English quite a lot, but is it really something I want to pursue in college? On top of that, am I even good enough? I’ve always gotten easy A’s in English, and in fact last year we had a research paper-type essay due in Lit. that I started the day of and submitted after three hours of work (terrible study habits last year!) I got a 100% and my teacher said it was the best one out of all his periods! Yippee! But that’s basically my only achievement, if you can even call it that, in English my whole high school career.
A week ago in my Honors American Lit. class we had a surprise in-class essay, which my teacher graded using the AP English & Composition grading scale (goes up to a 9, but the maximum she gives is an 8). Well, I only got a 7, and to be honest, I think it deserved something closer to a 5. Meanwhile, quite a few people got perfect 8’s. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others, but if a supposed English major can’t even do well on an in-class essay at a STEM-focused school where the humanities classes are supposedly a joke, what does that say about my skill (or lack thereof)?
Another story: I applied last year to become a staff writer for my school’s literary magazine but got rejected! I got in this year, but once again, if I can’t even get into the literary magazine at my run-of-the-mill-in-humanities school, how do I even expect to succeed as an English major at a decent school? To be honest, I’m embarrassed to say that I hope to pursue English in the future.
I’m applying to the Iowa Young Writers’ Studio (which I got rejected from last year
) in a few weeks and need to ask my Lit. teacher for a recommendation letter tomorrow. I don’t even speak up or participate in her class! I feel as if everything I interpret ends up being wrong! And when I do talk, half the time people don’t even understand what I say (possibly due to enunciation problems). This is one of the main reasons I want to attend an LAC – a nurturing, discussion-based, and smaller-sized class will do me wonders, I think.
The only thing that keeps me going is how many in my science classes will major in the sciences at college, even though they aren’t necessarily the best in class. Maybe the same could be said for me with majoring in English.