<p>It’s not that you’re transparent, exactly, it’s that the situation you describe isn’t one that you would be likely to object to (at least, not very strongly) if you liked the girl.</p>
<p>When my son was choosing colleges to apply to, he was dating a girl a year behind him in school. I fully expected that she would visit him at his campus or that he would come home for weekends frequently. I didn’t object at all because I liked the girl very much and approved of the relationship.</p>
<p>As it happens, they broke up before he went off to college. But I know how I would have reacted if their relationship continued, and it’s entirely different from the way you are reacting.</p>
<p>My D had a boyfriend three years older than she was. At 16 she wanted to go visit him in college. Everyone thought I was crazy, but I let her go.</p>
<p>As it turns out, they didn’t “share a bed” as someone quaintly put it. (I know because she told me.) I’m sure they did subsequently.</p>
<p>I didn’t want my decisions to be made on the basis of will they/won’t they have sex.</p>
<p>I’m sure they did when she felt comfortable.</p>
<p>She is 23 now, and not currently in a relationship. He is married with a young baby. No catastrophe occurred.</p>
<p>His parents were also up in arms for no reason that I could see.</p>
<p>Same situation as the OP here: Son is a college freshman, girlfriend a high school senior.</p>
<p>I wring my hands over it, but I’ve kept my mouth shut and accepted my wife’s approach: Have monthly, painfully frank talks about sex, pregnancy, and disease; give him condoms; tell him that if he has sex and doesn’t use them, and a venereal disease doesn’t kill him, we will.</p>
<p>But it’s not really the sexual aspect we’re worried about so much as the distraction of his mind being elsewhere when he should be studying and developing his social life. It would be better if his girlfriend was at college with him. A hormonal boy can’t study effectively when Willie is constantly screaming for attention and not getting it.</p>
<p>Even though we secretly hope for the Turkey Drop, unfortunately his girlfriend is nice, and they are actually quite compatible. So we just hope they’re smart. At their age, that’s all you can hope for.</p>
<p>Our DS as a freshman was in the same situation with his ex gf. She came to visit him and it was the most miserable time of his life. A week later he got the courage and broke up with her. </p>
<p>I didn’t really need to say squat, because he already knew it himself. He had to just find the words to complete the deal.</p>
<p>I have to say, the child you drop off at the dorms in August and pick up in November really come into their own selves. They are not that hs kid anymore, and like blueiguana stated, what are you going to do? </p>
<p>This same son 2 yrs later as a jr in college is in another long distance relationship. She comes to visit him 1x a month, and he goes to visit her 1x a month. Now I can play deaf, dumb and blind about their relationship. I can pretend that when I visited his father in college we were different, but burying my head in the sand will not protect our child. I remind my son, if you care about this girl, who is also in college, you will do everything in YOUR power to protect her so she too will get a college education. I tell him to prove to me he is the honorable man we raised.</p>
<p>You my not like this girl, but you raised an intelligent young man. You need to trust him to remember all of those values you raised him with. It really is his life now.</p>
<p>One friend gave me the best piece of advice when our 1st went to college.</p>
<p>Remember now Pima, you are just the frame that holds them, they are the picture. Nobody remembers the frame of the Mona Lisa.</p>
<p>The one thing I would be inclined to talk with him about is the drinking issue. I think that suggesting to him that he stay sober so that he can take care of her is an excellent idea. Kids have gotten into really bad trouble with underage HS girlfriends drinking to excess in a college setting. A kid at S’s school from my region was indicted for rape, for example. I don’t know what happened in the long run–I think the charges were eventually dropped–but to my knowledge the boy never returned to that school. TV clips about the accusation can still be viewed on the internet–nothing about an exoneration can. These things can really follow a person, even an innocent person.</p>
<p>For my DS the Turkey Drop didn’t happen until Spring Break – the Easter Egg Drop?</p>
<p>Before we had the off-to-college talk I thought about what I didn’t like about the long-distance relationship that he and his gf were planning. I focused on how much I hoped he would embrace the new life at school and not to miss out on things by spending hours on the phone with his gf, and not doing date-type activities because of his long-distance relationship. This was also his first serious gf and I hoped that he would meet other girls before deciding on the “one”. I really liked his gf and felt that she would also benefit from not being tied to DS. By Spring Break I think that it was a mutual decision for them.</p>
<p>We just had the one talk, then I left him alone.</p>
<p>My concerns are the same as consolation’s. The liabilities are great and frankly, not worth it. That’s if, the kids get into trouble as consolation described. </p>
<p>My S was a year behind his HS girlfriend and actually went up to visit her - we drove him and stayed in a hotel nearby. He was not allowed to stay with her - she had two other roomies. She broke up with him that Christmas - what would we call that? A Christmas ham drop? The irony is that he’s now attending that same school and very happy, I might add.</p>
<p>One of my favorite family stories–my mother met my father at summer camp (she was 11 and he was 13) and fell for him on the spot. She invited him home for lunch one day, and my grandfather had a panic attack. My grandmother was much more cavalier. “Relax,” she told him. “it’s not like she’s going to marry him!” Fast forward 9 years, and you guessed it, they were married. Thye made it through middle school, high school, and different colleges. The stories about their visits to each other at their respective colleges are equally great. I know most of those relationships don’t last, but every once in a while they do, so I hope I will know to be careful of what I say–whatever boyfriend my daughter brings home could be a part of my life for a very long time!</p>
<p>^^So true. I fell for a cute senior trumpet player in the h.s. marching band when I was a 14 yr. old freshman clarinetist. We dated during that year but broke up when he went off to college.
Fast forward a few years, we crossed paths again while home from college on Christmas break. I was a college frosh and he a senior. A lot of water (and dates) had gone under the bridge but we picked right back up where we left off in h.s.
Eighteen months later, we got married. Twenty-eight years and two kids later, we’re still together.</p>
<p>So yeah, be careful what you say. Today’s potential Turkey Drop might end up at your Thanksgiving table with your grandchildren someday!</p>
<p>I am in the same situation as you. My daughter is a HS senior- been dating her BF for 1 /1/2 years. He is at a small LAC 20 minutes away. She visits him alot- actually went to a frat party last night and got home late- she told me about some girl throwing up in bathroom- very eye opening and she is learning alot. She actually has applied there and got accepted-w e knew she would- good grades/ good ACT- I have been back and forth about letting her go to same school as him. My mother thinks it’s a terrible idea. They think they are the “ONE” for each other. Luckily I like him and he is a very respectful young man. They have done some dumb things but all of these teens do at some point in their life. We have the drinking talk and sex talk often. She is old enough to make these decisions herself. hopefully the right ones…</p>
<p>I think you are getting good advice. You haven’t said what bothers you about this. It could be a) you are worried that they’ll start having sex; b) you think he needs to expand his horizons and build new relationships; and/or c) you don’t like her that much and wish he’d find a different partner. </p>
<p>On point a), ding ding ding. In today’s world, just assume that they were sexually active in high school and even if they were not, they will be. I’d suggest that you tell him to treat her (and any other sexual partners) with respect and use a condom. </p>
<p>On point b), I would agree generally but as people pointed out, you have no control over this, so I would not make a big deal about this. You might suggest at other times that he consider going out (if that’s what they do at his college) with others as well, but even there, I’d just opt to see what happens. </p>
<p>On point c), as posters pointed out, no need to create a future enemy, especially one who will win the war if there is one. There’s some probability she’ll become your daughter-in-law some day. My wife brought me up to meet her eccentric, narcissistic malevolent aunt (my wife didn’t see her that way at the time) who pulled my wife aside to tell her she shouldn’t marry me. I think we cut our visit short and essentially have never visited her since (except recently after she had a stroke) though part of that is that she lives far away. However, I travel there frequently and visit other relatives there, but never visit her. As she is aging, no one visits her. So, there’s a big downside and probably little upside as you won’t convince your son by harping on the subject, which you’ve already mentioned to him.</p>
<p>You mention here that she’s from a “trainwreck” of a family. When you focus on that you are commenting upon something she cannot control. While it’s true such a family doesn’t impart to her much common sense or good judgment, she might gain that over time from other sources. In the meantime, you can only lose by repeating a concern to your son. He likely knows you don’t approve of her and is proceeding nonetheless, because to him the stakes are low. I know how hard it is to have bites all over your tongue, but if you’ve spoken your mind once, rest assured he knows where you stand on this. You can’t break them up. To try to influence how he feels about her will only diminish your ability to hear him out in the future if/when the relationship implodes. At that time, he won’t want to go to hear “I told you so.” </p>
<p>The important advice concerns self-protection from pregnancy and drinking situations. There I agree with others above that you do have grounds to talk with him seriously about how he handles his behavior. His feelings about her are another matter and in his own domain now.</p>
<p>You feel worried but honestly the odds of her actually becoming your duaghter-in-law are pretty slim, given their ages. Not impossible, but slim. My guess is she’ll be the first of many before he gets serious about anybody.</p>
<p>She is visiting again this weekend and I am biting my tongue, biting my tongue and biting my tongue some more. It may get to the point where I will have to ask someone to take away my phone and keyboard so that I don’t fire off a text or e-mail. The kicker this time is that her MOTHER is driving her up on Friday and coming back for her on Sunday. Seriously, who does that? Sadly, there doesn’t seem to be a turkey drop in our future. When he is home for Thanksgiving we are going to have a talk about exactly what he’s getting himself into with these people. I think they’ve found a good catch for their daughter and have decided to hold on. Of course, he doesn’t seem to be fighting to set himself free either. </p>
<p>(Sorry to revive this thread but I really just needed to let it out) You’ve all given me such great advice about keeping my mouth shut and not alienating my son. I just never imagined this relationship would last this long.</p>
<p>I am sorry this is causing you such frustration. I can only imagine it would me as well. I don’t know if I would have the strength to continue to keep my mouth shut, however I think it is the best thing. Don’t give it the energy and fuel to make it an issue between you and your son. If you try to talk to him at Thanksgiving about the mess he is walking into with the girlfriend and her family it is quite probable that he will dig in his heels further. The relationship will last longer than if it’s allowed to take its natural course (and hopefully die of natural causes). The chances are it will only serve to cause a problem between you and your son, not open his eyes.</p>
<p>I say this as a mother of three boys. I can honestly see how it would be very, very hard to go through this. I am not in your shoes so I do not know just how you feel, but I imagine it’s pretty consuming right now. I also say this as someone who was ‘forbidden’ to see a certain young man when I was 18. I am not suggesting you would forbid your son to see this young lady. I can say from experience that my relationship with this boy lasted far, far, far longer because my parents didn’t like it…a year longer than it would have otherwise.</p>
<p>I feel given the situation the conversation you should be having with your son is a frank, open, dialogue about birth control and STD prevention. Not in general…specifics. He may squirm. Too bad. If you don’t there is a chance that this young lady will be a part of your son’s life for 18 years regardless of his romantic feelings towards her. A condom and spermicide should be used each and every time.</p>
<p>Just as an academic exercise, consider what you might have written instead if you liked the girl and approved of the relationship.</p>
<p>It might have been something like:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>The point here is that if you didn’t disapprove of the relationship, you probably would be approaching the situation in a very different way. If you have that talk with your son over Thanksgiving, it’s important to realize that he’s likely to pick up on the fact that you disapprove of the girl – simply because you wouldn’t be having the same kind of conversation with him if you didn’t.</p>
<p>My son had a high school girlfriend who was a year behind him in school and whom I approved of completely. As it happens, they broke up several months before he left for college. But if they had stayed together, she would undoubtedly have visited him at college during his freshman year, and I would not have reacted in the way you are reacting. I might even have driven her to the campus myself, as long as it was OK with her parents. The difference I see between how you feel and how I would have felt suggests to me that the main issue is that you don’t approve of the girl (or the relationship, or her family), not that she visits your son at college.</p>
<p>When I started dating my future husband his mother thought that my background was unsuitable. She had visions of who her son would end up with and it was not the daughter of someone who worked with his hands. My father was a contractor and my family was well provided for BUT my parents had not gone to college and I was attending a college off of the prestige radar. The academic part of a person’s resume still, after all these years, matters too much to her. My H and I joke that if Lee Harvey Oswald had gone to Harvard she would have found a way to like him. At the time she threw every girl she knew in my then-boyfriend’s path. He ended up spending most of his time at my house because he just wanted to relax and not deal with her (it also didn’t hurt that my Mom bakes like a dream). </p>
<p>H and I made it through four years at different colleges and are still happily married thirty-plus years later. During our first years together my new mother-in-law gave me a great deal of unsolicited advice because of course I would need instruction in how to do things properly…being from the working class and all. I ignored her, my husband ignored her and amazingly, over the years she has learned to overlook my defects and I suspect even loves me now. It took decades for her to figure out that in actuality we are quite alike. We are both strong personalities and love books, discussion and music. </p>
<p>Is it possible that you are not really “seeing” this girl and whether she has qualities that make her girlfriend material because you are so concerned for your son? She is raw and unformed but there might be some quality there. One thing I will tell you for sure, while I have forgiven my mother-in-law and I respect her, I have not forgotten the early part of our relationship so find a friend to vent to and DO NOT write any emails or make any phone calls about this girl to your son. You never know where the relationship might go. As usual, bulletandpima hits it out of the park -
<p>Any idea what is happening down the road for her? Will she be going to college next year? Do you know if she is applying to/can get into the same school he is attending?</p>
<p>I would double down on the advice here that the one thing that CAN’T be changed if it happens is if she gets pregnant. If you have not had a very frank talk with your son about how this would damage his life at this age with ANY girl, I would do so. Might have it again even if you already have. Anything else he does with her can be walked away from/undone if necessary. Not that. If it were me I would not mention this girl at all, just the general topic of being careful “now that he is at college”.</p>
<p>I am still having trouble with what you don’t like about her, though. Just her family? Is there some personal qualities about her that you don’t like?</p>
<p>In my experience, the more you try to keep a teenager away from someone you believe is inappropriate, the more you turn the whole thing into Romeo and Juliet. In high school, my child and the undesirable-significant-other actually had an Akon song as “their” song: “Nobody wanna see us together, but it don’t matter, no, cuz we gonna fight for our right to love.” UGH. At one point my husband wanted to tell our child they “had” to break up with this person, but I talked him out of it. Then I wondered if I’d done the right thing, because the relationship lasted well over a year. Fast-forward 3 years, the relationship came up in conversation and I told my child that I wondered if I should have gone along with my husband and forced a breakup. “No,” my child said. “I never would have learned what I don’t want in a relationship, and I wouldn’t be the person I am today for having gone through it. I’m glad you let me learn it myself, the hard way.”</p>
<p>In my experience, this is the BEST strategy when it comes to college-age kids. Any self-respecting young adult does not want to hear all the judgments of their GF/BF from their mother. Your best position is to be the sympathetic ear when the relationship breaks up, and, if you must, insert some very carefully worded “lessons” into your responses (but tread very carefully!). Can you tell that I’ve been there (twice)? I have a special dance that I do, in private of course, when I hear that D has dumped the guy I couldn’t stand. Sh’se older and wiser and still confides in me, in no small part because I kept my mouth shut. </p>
<p>Just to be clear, these relationships were about personality problems and no real issues. But even there, it’s best to voice your concerns respectfully as you would with an adult friend, then shut up.</p>
<p>I am curious as to what exactly makes the family a “trainwreck”. Are the girls parents divorced? Are they blue collar workers? Are they not college educated? Do they live in a small house or rent an apartment? When I think of a train wreck I think of substance abusing or a man who beats his family. There must be something very awful for you to refer to them in this way. You mentioned that you think the girls family is encouraging this because they found themselves a “good one” and they do not want to see her lose him. Your son obviously finds something interesting and wonderful about this girl that you can’t see or will allow yourself to see. Just bite your tongue and let it be…they will do one of two things break up or get married down the road. If you say too much you are risking a relationship with someone who may be your daughter in law in a few years.</p>
<p>A few years ago my daughter met a young man that I thought was wonderful. They were kids in highschool and he was very sweet to her. Then my daughter went off to college and by the end of Dec they broke up. My daughter later claimed that he was controlling. Fast forward three years, and they are back together and now I can see the controlling nature and I wish they would break up and I am trusting that my daughter will come to her senses as she did when she was younger and dump him. Believe me there are traits that bring trainwreck images to mind, and controlling is one of them, but how is this girls family a trainwreck.</p>