<p>Help me before I alienate my son. He is a college freshman and his girlfriend is a senior in high school. His girlfriend has female friends at the school he attends so her mother has no problem allowing her to visit for the weekend. I think it’s a horrible idea, but I can’t stop her.</p>
<p>I’ve told my son that I think these vists are a bad idea, but he’s “in love” so he thinks it’s great. Honestly, I hoped that the relationship would end when he left for school. I know that I am old fashioned, but I just can’t believe that this girl is allowed to visit. I see it as asking for trouble. </p>
<p>As I said, I have told my son that I disagree with this but I realize that he is growing up and making his own decisions. </p>
<p>So, do I keep my mouth shut or continue to protest?</p>
<p>I don’t see how you can do much or say much about it. It is more an issue for her parents to allow their daughter to visit boyfriend at college (even if she has girlfriends there). </p>
<p>Your son and this girl dated before college and are just a year apart. I understand you wished that their relationship did not continue while your son is in college but you can’t do anything about that. It will play itself out. He obviously wants her to visit. I would keep quiet if it were me.</p>
<p>Your first line, “Help me before I alienate my son,”…please take your own advice. Passing judgement on his relationship with his HS girlfriend will alienate him. While you don’t want them to date one another any longer, keep that to yourself.</p>
<p>From an “asking for trouble” perspective- as long as she is legal age and they use protection, and he keeps her sober, I don’t think there is too much to worry about.</p>
<p>As for breaking up - Turkey Drop is still two months away, you never know what will happen.</p>
<p>You gave him your opinion and advice, now is the time to take to heart that he is “is growing up and making his own decisions”, and let it drop.</p>
<p>Kids change a lot in the first few months that they are away at school, they meet tons of new and interesting people . So by the time they see each other at Thanksgiving, those high school relationships don’t seem so appealing any more, or they’ve found someone new at school that is more interesting, and many breakups happen. Hence the term “Turkey Drop”.</p>
<p>If he’s been seeing her regularly it probably lowers the chances of it happening, I would guess.</p>
<p>As the mother of boys I can certainly relate. If they were dating in hs there is a possibility (however remote) that what you fear has already happened. If the gf’s mother is so willingly letting her go, she may be aware that they are sexually active and are taking precautions. </p>
<p>Bottom line, this is bothering you because you know what can happen. If he were not dating this young lady, went to a party this weekend and hooked up with a girl he met there… well, you wouldn’t have been happy, but that’s college. The conversation you need to have with your son now is that you are still adjusting to him making his own decisions. He’s made good ones in the past and you trust that he will continue to do it again. Let him know your concerns about the gf being there because she is underage there are different issues. Tell him, don’t ask, to have condoms in the event they do decide to become sexually active. It’s not your choice, but you love him and want him to be safe. Remind him of visiting hours in his dorm. He may have to fill out papers, signed by a roommate, if he plans to have an overnight guest. Someone who is not college age may not be eligible. Better for him to know this upfront. Believe me, you will not be putting any ideas in his head that are not already there. Also, if they are somewhere that they choose to drink, ask him to keep himself in check so he can make sure his hs girlfriend doesn’t get sick, hurt, or worse, because he was too drunk to notice.</p>
<p>Honest, open discussion is better than hand-wringing every time.</p>
Neither really - go ahead and express your opinion to him but don’t go on endlessly about it since he heard you the first time and knows what your thoughts are and he’ll end up doing what he wants anyway (but hopefully used your perspective as input in formulating his own decision). If you drone on and on about it he’ll just not tell you about it next time.</p>
<p>Look at the bright side - this isn’t quite as bad as the other thread that had the college kid traveling home every weekend to see the 10th grade GF.</p>
<p>You know, I just want to present a little bit of a different perspective here than the one I seem to see cropping up on these threads a lot.</p>
<p>a. That it is “bad” for kids to come home or to have a boyfriend or gf at home.</p>
<p>b. That somehow kids will adjust “better” if they put thier entire focus onto their life on campus.</p>
<p>The truth is that I go to work and I have friends at work, a husband I don’t work with, who has friends at work. We also have friends from when the kids were little, and friends from our outside interests. Also, we spend a certain amount of time around the parents of the kids whose kids play sports with our D.</p>
<p>None of these groups, with the exception of our holiday open house, ever come together at the same time, and this is nice. This is a “good” thing. I have lots of options. I don’t get trapped or burnt out on people. Nobody gets power over me…</p>
<p>It is not a bad thing for our adult children to begin to develop a life which includes more than the one single world they find on campus. </p>
<p>This is just an alternative perspective and not meant as a critique of any parents concerns. JMO</p>
<p>I second blueiguana’s post. There is a lot of wisdom in it.</p>
<p>Is your objection to this particular girl, or to the fact that she is still in high school, or to him possibly becoming involved with a girl in college? </p>
<p>Something you might want to bring to your son’s attention should he and his gf decide to be sexuallly active–and that is the status of the gf being capable of giving consent. If you read the 2014 thread, there has been a lot of discussion of a freshman boy at Elon being arrested for rape for having sex with a girl while both of them were intoxicated…under NC law, apparently, a female who is intoxicated is deemed incapable of giving consent–and the male who is equally intoxicated at the time is basically automatically guilty of rape with horrible criminal consequences.</p>
<p>These are two young people a year apart in age who are in an established relationship. Generally, this is considered a pretty good thing (as opposed to promiscuity, loneliness, or a relationship with someone drastically older or younger). </p>
<p>Moreover, the girl is the one who is doing something that her parents could forbid if they wanted to. But they don’t want to. Perhaps they like your son. Perhaps they approve of his relationship with their daughter.</p>
<p>Your son, meanwhile, isn’t doing anything that you can forbid. You can remind him of the need to take precautions if he is sexually active (and maybe even say what I said to my own son – that in our society, a young woman cannot be forced to become a parent against her will, but a young man can). But you can’t stop him from having sex, either with this girl or with a girl he met at college.</p>
<p>Is there some special reason why you don’t like this particular relationship? Is there something about the girl that bothers you?</p>
<p>My college freshman son is dating a hs senior and has been dating her for a year. His girlfriend’s sister goes to the same school and his girlfriend has already been on campus “visiting her sister”. Her parents know my son is there and they know she wants to see him there. She is a wonderful young woman from a wonderful family. If her parents are okay with her visiting, I’m not saying a word.</p>
<p>Consider the alternative to this girlfriend. Instead of what might be a healthy caring relationship he could be sharing his bed with a string of anonymous hookups. Respect his privacy and don’t make assumptions about the parenting of the girl.</p>
<p>The highschool sweetheart could become your daughter in law way down the road so it is best not to say to much. Unkind words are remembered for a very long time.</p>
<p>I just visited my sister and her husband over the weekend. They met/ dated in high school, attended different colleges, married after college graduation. I met my own H when I was 16 and he was 17, though we did not date until we showed up at the same college the following year. My sis and I were just reflecting that our kids are now older than we were then . . .</p>
<p>I try to remember to ask myself, “What is in my control?” In this case, I would conclude that it was almost completely out of my control. I would voice my concerns, politely and non-judgementally concerning the young woman herself, to my son once. We have an on-going conversation about birth control, so I would talk about that was well. Also, I would not faciliate these visits but it sounds like that’s not an issue here. </p>
<p>Then I would let it go.</p>
<p>Well, truthfully I would let it go with my kid but vent about it when I needed to with Mr PMK or dear friends.</p>
<p>When I was a h.s. senior, I made a few weekend trips to my bf’s college campus. We had been dating for a year at that point.
My brother happened to live in the same town so it pretty convenient for me to stay at his place. The college was only one hour fr. our hometown so it wasn’t unusual for h.s. seniors to go up for weekends if they had friends at the college to stay with.</p>
<p>I have two college age sons now. I would just warn them about possible “consequences” and let them handle it.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your input. I’ve managed to keep my mouth shut - or at least not blurt out all of the things I’m thinking. Some of you managed to see right to the problem that it is this particular girl I’m not wild about. I guess I am that transparent. Her family is a bit of a trainwreck and I don’t want my son to be dragged into their crazy world. Sadly, I think he’s already there. Here’s hoping for the turkey drop. But then again, sometimes the devil you know…</p>