<p>D and friends were together grades 1-8, then “Joe” went to the local Catholic high school, while D and friends remained at the public h.s. “Joe” was considered kind of an annoying kid while in their classes (sorry, Joe, but that’s the way it is) and would call D or her friend to try to get them to bring him to homecoming/prom at the h.s…they always found other dates. </p>
<p>Tonight, d’s best h.s. friend had her graduation party. Granted, it’s an open house, but invitations were sent. “Joe” shows up, says “I see you forgot to invite me to your party, but that’s okay – here I am” and proceeds to spend the evening trying to monopolize the conversations (even though he’s not been in their peer group for 4 years…) and even followed d and a group of friends when they left the party to go out for a bite. (When told there was no room in the car…there wasn’t…he announced he had his own car, and proceeded to follow them…).</p>
<p>Kid is a bore…and d’s graduation party is this Friday night. He has already asked her about when her party is (she’s been evasive), but it’s a small community (made even smaller by FaceBook…) and I am pretty sure he will show up at her party. So…do we, as parents, get to kick the uninvited kid out, or just smile and hope she doesn’t strangle him before the evening is out? (Apparently, he showed up at friend’s party as the first guest, and didn’t leave until d and her boyfriend and gang were leaving.) </p>
<p>So…protocol for a party crasher? He’s not threatening…just not among the friends she wants to spend time with (again, he’s not been at her school for 4 years)…what would/did you do in a similar situation?</p>
<p>If he wasn’t invited, ask him to leave if he shows up. Do it in front of the kids so they get a nice, respectful lesson on how not to be manipulated by a person of this caliber. Everyone will have a better time!</p>
<p>Be the grown up and show the seniors how to handle such an awkward situation. It’s not wrong to show an uninvited guest the door (politely but firmly, of course). It is wrong for him to show up uninvited.</p>
<p>Is there any way for him not to find out the date and time of the party? </p>
<p>If not, I would make it very clear to all guests that it is an invitation only party, and that it is solely for graduates of your daughter’s high school. If “Joe” asks your daughter about the party, she can say “Oh, we want it to be a _______ high school party” or “We’re trying to keep it small.” If Joe still shows up, you or your daughter (probably you, since I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable flat out doing this) needs to simply reiterate that an invitation is required for the party.</p>
<p>And I agree with mom2collegekids. “Joe” seems to have Asperger’s or something similar… So unless someone flat out tells him “We don’t want you to come to the party,” he likely will not get the hint.</p>
<p>I agree with what prior posters have said … including the likelihood that “Joe” has problems recognizing social cues. Absent these problems, OP could help her D with the edict “This is a HS Graduation Party … only kids from your HS (please).” </p>
<p>I doubt “Joe” would accept this. So yes, by all means meet “Joe” at the door.</p>
<p>does this party have to be open house? i agree with the suggestion above about making it invitation-only – having an open house when you think someone you don’t want to come might show up anyway just creates an awkward situation for you. if the guy shows up, ask him to leave. in the adult world you really don’t have to let everyone you’ve ever met come to every social function you have and it’s true that your daughter and the other students should know this now before they get into a situation where (God forbid) they have to deal with a potentially-dangerous stalker.</p>
<p>If the party has been posted on facebook and this is where Joe is likely to see the information, is it possible to update the invitation on facebook to read “Invitation Only”. This will make it more clear to the young man. It will make it easier if he does show up to remind him that the invite did specify “Invitation only”. It’s hard to argue with that. While it’s okay to feel empathy for the young man you are under no obligation to include in in your daughter’s plans uninvited.</p>
<p>Station a parent at the door, and explain to Joe this is invitation only. If this is an outdoor event (backyard), station parents at the perimeter, or have one in the driveway until Joe shows up. I agree, time to gently show Joe he can’t manipulate the situation, or invite himself.</p>
<p>there might even be a way on Facebook (if you are using that) to make sure that only people specifically added by your daughter to the event can see the details.</p>
<p>It really depends on the type of party and I’m still not clear. If someone other than “Joe” showed up who was “not invited” would they be turned away?
I have the impression this is a big, facebook type “I’m having a graduation party” thing which makes it a different event.<br>
In my book if you need an invitation than anyone without one is turned away. If it is an open house then it is an open house.</p>
<p>Open House, however, still allows a family to turn away at the door someone who is not welcome in their home. Sorry, but if he is going to be trouble or ruin the event, he can be met at the door and escorted to his car. </p>
<p>Open House does not give anyone the right to be in your home or on your property if you do not want them there.</p>
<p>Is there no way to contact this person privately before the fact? Is it really necessary to set the stage to publicly humiliate him? If he has access to your daughter’s Facebook, then she could send him a message, telling him politely that the party is by invitation only.</p>
<p>First, an “Open House” does not mean that anyone can attend, it means that there is no set time for the party – your are telling your guests to drop by whenever they like between certain hours. So an invitation is needed for an Open House.</p>
<p>Second, if your daughter posted this on her Facebook as “I’m having a party, y’all come by” and Joe is one of her “friends” then Joe has an invitation. (Invitations, even back in the pre-facebook age, do not have to be a hard copy piece. A verbal invitation is legit, as in this day a facebook invitation is legit.)</p>
<p>Third, unless you are willing to stand an check the invitation of every guest and remove all of them without an invitation, you are going to come off as the bad guy. While your daughter may think it is cool that you removed Joe, there will be other kids there who see you as picking on the kid. </p>
<p>My advice – stay out of it and make your daughter deal him. If she doesn’t want him there, she needs to tell him so discreetly.</p>
<p>Step up and be the “bad guy” and let your daughter use that as an excuse. We always let ours say “My parents won’t let me …” whenever they needed a graceful way out of something. Of course they had to tell us first they needed this and we enforced whatever they said. So FB says invitation only for class of ** HS and that is enforced. It should be anyhow since you do not want a party to get out of hand. </p>
<p>BTW -You can do an invitation to only certain people and also prohibit them from passing it on through the settings. Acceptances and anything in that event will not be visible on pages or newsfeeds. Everyone should learn how to use the privacy rules if they are going to use FB.</p>
<p>I agree with ebeeeee, and I would take it further than zoosermom. Is it necessary to publicly - or privately - humiliate him? </p>
<p>You said this party was billed on facebook as an “open house” to everyone your D friended. Consequently he’s not inviting himself - basically she has already invited this guy, if she has friended him. The damage was done, and not by him. You have a right to have at your house only those people who are invited - but an invitation to an open house, which he received, is an invitation. Courtesy doesn’t permit her or you to disinvite him personally just because he’s annoying. </p>
<p>An open house is an open house. You can’t hold one then tell specific people “yes, it was an open house - for everyone but you”. Even a private phone call, which is a huge improvement, is still not the way to disinvite someone. The lesson for your D here is to think ahead, use facebook appropriately, and not call something an open house if it’s not. </p>
<p>The ultimate lesson is that the consequences should fall to the person who messed up, i.e., the person who issued the invitation to an open house. You might say this kid is too insensitive to be insulted, but that’s not an adequate excuse. The inability of someone to feel insulted is not an excuse for us to insult them.</p>
<p>If you posted the announcement of an open house in the lunch room at your workplace, would you tell a coworker who showed up " sorry, I didn’t mean it to apply to you" ? Of course you wouldn’t. We can’t make everything perfect for our kids when they mess up. If this were me, I’d tell her, yes you’re graduating - that’s wonderful, and I’m so proud of you. Now welcome to adulthood.</p>
<p>Lololu - Social conventions are different in our area.</p>
<ul>
<li> “Open House” in an invitation to potential house buyers.</li>
<li> “Open Party” means everyone is welcome (with caveats below)</li>
<li> “I’m having a party, y’all come by” means there will be a sharp exchange with daughter, ending with her agreement to cancel said party.</li>
<li> re: “decide who can stay at the party” well yes, that’s a parental responsibility</li>
<li> re: “make daughter deal (with) him” uh no … parents’ house, parents’ rules, parental enforcement. One day the daughter will need to take on adult roles … but a HS Graduation Party isn’t the time (or place) to start — at least in our area.</li>
</ul>
<p>I just read NewHope’s post, and it reminded me that the understanding of “open house” may differ from place to place. So I went back and re-read the OP’s post.</p>
<p>I’m going to change my response. In the OP’s situation, I see now that the kid showed up on the doorstep saying that he knew he wasn’t invited. So that changes my response. In the situation that happened, you’re well within your rights not to have him at the party. </p>
<p>I think it would have been the courteous thing to do to tell him, with a smile of course, "I’m so sorry ! We only planned for the people we invited. However, thanks so much for dropping by. Let me give you a sandwich/cookie/piece of cake to take with you. " Then hand him some food as you put an arm around him and steer him back to the door. That’s a polite way to ask him to leave when he himself acknowledged he wasn’t invited. (However, I agree with lololu - people should manage FB better !)</p>
<p>Agreed that the younger generation forgets that ‘friends-of-friends’ means the entire world can see your stuff. Here an Open House can be sent via invitation only but means drop by if you can any time during the party. Even if the invitation was private to a specific group kids can make comments about it to one another on facebook and word gets out. Perhaps that was the mention of “even smaller by facebook” that the OP made.</p>
<p>This did made me wonder about all of the grad party invites that are floating around of facebook. The one’s showing up on my son’s page, the responses that other’s are making, and comments regarding, I don’t think he’s been included in all of these invitations but they show up on the news feed so word gets out. My son’s not a social kid and has to be pushed to attend the things he is invited to, but for a kid looking for acceptance, who does not understand social cues or anything but a direct statement, this can be very confusing I would imagine.</p>