If you want to go, want your kid to go, kid wants to go, then do it. But I don’t give a whole lot more to be commensurate to the cost of the gig. I give more to those closer to us or for business purposes. A gift, is just that, and it’s up to you how you want to do this. My go-to gift for graduations has been Starbucks gift cards, and what I spend tends to vary, but not by the expense of the party. Son’s best friend will get more in a grad gift from us, at a small, less expensive grad get together (or even NO event) than classmate who rents out Madison Square Garden. In fact, for those who have so much, a donation to a charity in the student’s name might be the best thing to give.
Right now, I’m contemplating starting a thread for what to give a close cousin for a grad gift. Will not be in position for physical thing as he will be on the road, transitory for a while with space and storage and belongings count at a premium. Doesn’t really need the money. DOn’t know where he’ll be; he doesn’t either. And I want it to have a personal touch to it, as he is special to us. Will probably be a combo of gift card and a little personal something. Just can’t come up with the personal something.
@raclut. Is there really such a thing as a “formal evite”? Please tell us this was a typo and the “wedding like event” at least mailed a nice card asking for $$.
OP - there is no need to buy special outfit for this event. It’s going to be summer, a nice sundress should suffice. I think dress to impress is really more for kids. They sound like people who just like to celebrate and have fun. Your presence there will be more important than your ability to give expensive gifts. Give an Amazon gift card. He will be able to use it to buy books for school and anything he needs to furnish his room.
You’re worrying too much, no need to buy formal wear. Even at a formal wedding or fundraiser, not everyone dresses to the nines. (Wear a dark dress or suit, if you’re worried about formal. Jazz it up with jewelry or whatever if you’re worried you’ll look too staid.) And, it’s not a wedding, the etiquette “rules” really aren’t etched in stone for banquet hall hs graduations. I vote with gift certificate (nice bookstore is good enough.) But remember: it’s high school, not a wedding. You don’t have to “cover the plate,” that’s not even a wedding custom everywhere. And it’s only a hs grad, you aren’t (traditionally) helping someone set up a household.
(x-post, agree with oldfort. Summer dress if it’s day. Amazon card is more flexible and will probably make an 18 year old happy.)
I am contemplating just sending daughter to the event and she has such nice spring like dresses at home that she could wear. Maybe a gift card to bed bath and beyond to help buy things for the dorm. There is also an ikea and target near the college.
I have no problem with the dress to impress. As oldfort says, it’s for the kids not the parents. Just as a sweet16 party would be. These kids have grown up with those horrible shows like my super sweet 16 parties where it’s de rigor to have over the top parties and invites.
The problem is the no box gifts. Besides the fact that it is super tacky and no one knows what it really means. Seriously people, throw a party for people, not the gifts. The vast, vast majority will give money or gift cards, and if you get a “box” gift, accept it and be gracious for crying out loud. If you get a gift or two, what is the problem?
And the $50-$100? Not a chance. For a HS graduation? Seriously? From a fellow student? Not unless it is a close relative.
My nieces and nephews had big catered HS graduation parties and their parents invited many of their business associates (and friends, they took it as a chance to entertain). The kids made more than mine did working all summer. If there were a few “boxed” gifts, they could lived with them.
When my kids went through this we were very fortunate that “no gifts” from kid to kid was understood. Relatives and very close adult friends of the family give gifts, but not kids attending a party who are also graduating. No one had anything as big as this sounds, more like backyard pool parties, but I still wouldn’t have my kid bring a gift.
@oldfort, I think I would be more impressed with the generosity of this invitation if it said “no gifts.”
@raclut, I think if they expected formal wear they would have specified black tie. I think that the kind of thing you would wear to a cocktail party–do people ever have those these days? --would be fine. I think a $20 gift card would be fine.
ETA: for some reason I assumed the event was at night.
I also wanted to add that no one we know has had big graduation parties. They’ve been more informal, almost like open houses, and the kids did not, to my knowledge, exchange gifts. I really object to turning HS graduation into yet another gift extraction event. It is one thing for relatives to give kids $100, it is another thing for this to be expected of all and sundry.
I can’t wait to hear what the explanation is for no BOXED gifts. Probably they don’t want to be bothered carting them home…
This makes me cringe. It even makes me uncomfortable for S1 to mail out graduation announcements, lest the announcements be construed as fishing for gifts.
We just plan to have a nice private dinner for our immediate family.
@consolation this is a formal dinner and dancing evening event at a banquet hall.
To me it sounds more like a collection for cash. (not trying to be rude) The invite said no boxed gifts not no gifts. So I am assuming that means cash or gift card.
No typo. Apparently there are websites out there where you can send wedding invitations online or choose to pay to have them printed. The only difference here was the invite said the parents of … request the honor of your presence at … graduation. There was even an rsvp card to enter the number of people attending.
We are in the process of planning the graduation party. It is mostly for family who are coming to visit ( grandmother, aunts , uncles and big sisters. We will invite her friends , the family she volunteers with and a couple of our friends…and of course her own friends. Most parties happen the same day ( Saturday after graduation ) So a lot of his hop from party to party.
It will be at our home, casual with some catered and some of my own food. We will likely set up volleyball net and horse shoes …nothing over the top at all.
Well, I guess the question is whether you want to continue to be relatively close friends with this family. I would be much more inclined to believe that they are just nice, generous people who like to celebrate and throw parties if the big birthday bash and this party came with a “no gifts” message. Specifying what type of gift is “acceptable” is tacky, unless the event is something like a kitchen shower for a bridal couple. The only exception I can think of is the “in lieu of gifts/flowers, donate to one of these causes” kind of thing.
I’m inclined to say that the only thing you should send is your regrets. If your D wants to go, fine.
On the other hand, if the event will include a lot of parents you are friends with–and if the hosts are not so boorish as to make it all about THEIR kid, instead of the whole group–then it might be a nice evening. But honestly, these people are setting things up so that their kid will potentially get thousands of dollars, while the classmates in attendance, who are also graduating, get zip. I find the whole thing distasteful.
OP, I missed your post #15, which clarified some things.
$50-500??!!! Are they kidding? I wonder if they have invited 300, or expect only 300 to attend. Assuming that 300 people represents 2 parents and one child per family, that means they expect roughly 100 financial units. If each unit only gives $50, their kid will take in $5,000. I think that is a reasonable base figure, since some will give less but some will give more. So s/he should gross somewhere n the $5-50,000 range.
And let us not overlook that if 300 is the expected attendance, and they actually invited some additional financial units, that some of those suckers may pony up also.
This is just celebrations getting over the top. Remember when our kids were small there was always some classmate with the elaborate birthday party. I don’t have a problem with celebrating happy occasions it just the no boxed gifts please and dress to impress on the invite was not something I would put in an invitation for a high school graduation.
Maybe on a wedding invitation.
I’d being willing to bet this family has thrown other similar events for birthday’s, anniversary’s, etc. Maybe they like to entertain. While I agree in the tackiness of no box gifts, the rest all seems pretty status quo. I am involved in several different “circles” and I have attended graduation parties from the country club to the back yard. The country club families have all events there and I wouldn’t have expected graduation to be any different, same with the back yard party.
I think sometimes we forget that everyone has different social norms and that doesn’t make them a bad person. I think you should go, you may find you enjoy yourself if you are willing to be open minded and except it as a night (afternoon?) to have a different experience. No matter the venue, I always went with an attitude of celebration and non judgement. Now it’s my year to do it as I please and I expect my friends to come celebrate my S with no judgement.
For someone I don’t much know, I don’t like giving a boxed gift. These days there are registries for boxed gifts. As for the $50-100 range for gifts, that 's just one person’s opinions. You get what people wish to give at any of these functions. Sometimes you just get a card. I would give only what you usually give when going to a graduation party. It’s up to the families as to what kind of a celebration to have and how much to spend. It’s up to the guests to decide what gift to give.
--would be fine. I think a $20 gift card would be fine.