<p>Last night we caught our daughter in a lie. Apparently, she has been sneaking around for the past year and visiting some college boys that she met at a concert last summer. She had a short term relationship with one of them but he broke it off when she didn’t put out. Thank goodness for that! She’s been a good kid (honors student, helpful, not a partier) but has felt left out of the high school party scene. She’s a beautiful girl but has never had a boyfriend. This dalliance with the college boys is her exploration but I’m not liking it. She knew we wouldn’t so she lied.
She confessed all last night after she inadvertently sent me a text meant for one of her friends, saying we had bought her excuse for coming in past curfew.
We told her we weren’t ready to make a decision about what should happen. </p>
<p>My husband and I have discussed our options and for the time being, we want her home at 10:00 every night this week. I have a big, stressful week - mainly getting ready for out of town guests, her graduation, and leaving the next day for vacation and her college orientation. I need my sleep! </p>
<p>Any thoughts? She needs to earn our trust back but we dont want create hostility and more sneaking around.</p>
<p>Inadvertently sending you a text looks an awful lot like part of her brain wanting her to get caught.</p>
<p>Curfew of 10:00 pm sounds good to me.</p>
<p>Clearly she needs more to do, so she doesn’t have enough free time to sneak around. What else can you encourage her to fill her time with? Is there anyone who she actually likes at her high school, or is the social scene there just plain dreadful?</p>
<p>Depending on her phone, I can totally understand the mis-sent text. I’ve done it from an iphone.</p>
<p>Some may say there’s not much you can do as she’s a graduating Sr., soon to be gone in college, yada, yada, yada. The point I would make is the lying, end of story. You can expect honesty and integrity from the people in your life and those living in your home no matter their age. People make mistakes so I would try to address it, alter any current rules (such as the cerfew), and I would be very, very clear about expectations for next year. You may want to consider having your daughter sign a FERPA waiver to give you the right to her academic information if you should ever question that she is being truthful.</p>
<p>FWIW, I think it is a good idea to wait to respond. You will probably do so with a bit more clarity which generally leads to better decisions all around.</p>
<p>She doesn’t have a regular job this summer. She plays in a quartet and has some weddings on weekends and teaches lessons sporadically. I agree, she needs more to keep her occupied. I could give her a schedule for jobs to do around the house and the expectation that she will continue to practice her instrument at least 2 hours a day. </p>
<p>She didn’t like the curfew. We also learned that she lied three other times this past week, telling us what she supposedly was doing but going to this frat house instead. Arghhh…</p>
<p>She will only be home 3 weeks this summer. I hope we make it through.</p>
<p>Have you discussed birth control with her. If she would lie to you about where she goes, I wouldn’t take it for granted that she is telling you the truth about not being sexually active.</p>
<p>You say that she has lied to you yet you believe her about not being sexually active? I don’t know how comfortable you are about discussing sex with your daughter but it is important that she has protection and solid information about sexually transmitted diseases. One of my sons told me that a friend of his is being treated for one right now. It is highly unlikely for a college girl to remain a virgin regardless of what she tells you. If she is going to frat parties and hanging out with college kids than she has had a jump on the whole college scene which means a talk and gyno appointment are long over due.</p>
<p>My maternal instincts told me something was up this weekend. Things just weren’t settling well with me. I dint believe I actually mentioned her sexual activity other than the boy cut things off with her when she didn’t put out. I believe this is true, her best friend reported the same story to her mother. The best friend was concerned. Anyway, she as a gyn appt. this week.</p>
<p>Those maternal instincts can never be underestimated. I always thought I had a sixth sense when it came to my kids, and now I know I do. Glad to hear she has an appointment even though that does not help with the fact that she has lied to you. It sounds like you all need to have a really good talk where you can express your concern and disappointment in the fact that she lied because she wanted her way. She does realize that in a couple short months she will be away at school so I am not sure why she would risk this. The other thing to think about is the fact that in a couple months you will have no idea what parties or things she will be doing…you need to talk.</p>
<p>Try talking to her as an adult rather than your child. She’s graduating high school and moving on to college. It sounds as though she’s kind of “practicing” how to socially interact with college kids so she won’t be left out of the college party scene the way she felt left out of the high school party scene.</p>
<p>Focus on the issues of her lying and sneaking around. The two of you really need to build a more adult relationship so she can feel comfortable talking with you openly and honestly. The transition to college can be a very rocky time. If she understands that she can confide in you openly and honestly, there’s a better chance that she’ll keep you informed on what’s really going on when she’s away at college.</p>
<p>We all know about the terrible twos. Unfortunately, the rocky 18-20 years are rarely discussed (except here on CC).</p>
<p>The thing is, I thought we had a pretty open and honest relationship. She has told me a lot. I’ve also had many talks about what to expect in college and how to protect yourself, especially at parties. Deep down I think she’s a bit ashamed but likes the attention and cool factor of hanging with college guys. </p>
<p>I do feel angry still. I was discussing the situation with co workers and they thought restricting her curfew to 10:00 was too easy on her. Some suggestions were restricting her car usage for jobs and errands or putting parental controls on her cell phone. D would absolutely flip. She’s already threatened to move out.</p>
<p>You can get pregnant or catch an STD at 7 pm as easily as you can at midnight. Good thing she is having that appt and I would tip off the Doc that s/he needs to be very explicit with the “What You Need to Know” component of the chat.</p>
<p>The sneaking around & lying is another matter. The only way it might hold some water with her is if you talk about her safety, not how sore you are (you do that here!) that she has been doing it. If you did not know that she was at X frat party, and she did not come home because she had been drugged & her or her body was God knows where, where are you supposed to tell the cops to start looking for her? </p>
<p>If she says, oh that won’t happen—well what about the girls of the last couple years to whom it certainly has happened. What makes her different from any of them? That one on Aruba, etc?</p>
<p>Suzikimoto … I agree with several posters that suggest you use this as an opportunity to establish a more adult conversation with your daughter. Just the fact that you have to give her a curfew and talk about 2 hours of practice a day makes this look more like a conversation with a HS freshman and not a college freshman. Your disappointment in her lying to you should be stated calmly and clearly. As an adult, she needs to know that she can’t lie her way through life to get her way; by calling her out on this, you are helping her not get away with it. If she is making adult decisions like hanging out with college kids or staying out late, then perhaps you need to lay down some groundrules for her safety: she needs to always report where she is and who she is with, and you can voice your opinion, but you should not prevent unless there are very dire circumstances (a known criminal or drug dealer type would be a dire circumstance). If she wants to be really treated like an adult, then she will accept these boundaries as long as she knows you are trying to let her fly, but not crash. In regards to being sexually active, just assume she is or will be soon and make sure she is making adult decisions about protection from diseases and pregnancy. You need to have frank and open discussion about how she values herself and her reputation regarding her sexuality, as most mature adults appreciate a sexual person, but look down on a slutty person. (And yes, there is a double standard on ‘slutty’ for young ladies versus young men … tell her to accept it and guard your reputation like an adult.) Regarding alcohol, you also have to assume that she is going to be making choices in that category as well. The rule we gave with my daughter after she graduated HS is that if she did choose to drink alcohol, which we did not support since she was not of legal age, she needed to make the next choice a smart one: call us to get a ride home (no questions asked) or stay at a friend’s house that is pre-approved by us. This allowed her to safely test out decisions she would eventually face in college, but with a little extra margin of safety around her. She was still required to do reasonable family chores, to keep her car and bathroom clean (note, not her bedroom … we just closed the door), and to eat Sunday dinners with us when possible. She still had to have a summer job, and on her own, she took private music lessons and practiced, which we never measured or forced. My D will be a junior in college and this formula worked for us. We never grounded her or made her come home earlier, but we did keep the channels of communication open to help her adjust her judgement along the way.</p>
<p>We decided that she needs to be in early because I don’t want this stress of waiting up for her, especially since I can’t trust her report on her whereabouts. She is after all, using our car. Adults should be honest with one another. We haven’t had a curfew in the past. She let us know what time she would be home. This past week she lied on several occasions- taking advantage of our trust. When she asked through text if she could stay out later, I said it was okay. I assumed she was at a friends house. </p>
<p>I feel I have treated her age appropriately. She violated my trust and now she needs to repair the relationship. As in any adult relationship, the hurt party needs time to heal and trust again. I’ve explained this to her. There are consequences. She can’t use our car except to travel to her lessons and quartet jobs.
I know in 2 months she’ll be doing whatever she wants. But for the time being, she is living under our roof, eating our food, driving our vehicle and needing to be a responsible, contributing family member.</p>
<p>Btw, I haven’t required a certain amount if practice time in years. She says she’s bored. Boredom may lead to adventure seeking and possibly throwing away what she has worked for.</p>
<p>Even my son, her older brother, said he felt sorry for me today. He’s been surprised at her behavior and has been very helpful in helping her see our POV.</p>
<p>Suzukimom … it sounds like you have a lot more on your hands than I did. Use your best judgement and stay calm. Your son sounds like another voice of reason in the house to help her see the light. Keep us posted … we all hope for better times through this journey of young adults.</p>
<p>I also asked her if she could be lying about her sexual involvement with the boys. She honestly looked shocked and I believe she is not. She says thats why she always has her two friends with her when she went to the frat house.</p>
<p>Funny thing is she and her friends watched the Natalie Holloway story movie last summer. I expressed my concern with her going with guys she has no previous connections or mutual friendships with. I thinks she realizes the risks she took.</p>