<p>I need some perspective on the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. A bit of background:</p>
<p>First off, my MIL passed away last week. She had been sick so this was not unexpected but it is still difficult for DH. FIL died a few years ago. </p>
<p>My parents are struggling with health issues and are not as mobile as they used to be. We had decided to go to my cousin’s annual Thanksgiving open house/buffet for the day as we figured that would be the least painful option for my husband. We would be in a big crowd of family but we could come and go when we want since they do not have a formal sit down meal. The idea of hosting the day at our house (as we usually do) was sad because it would only be my family of 4 plus my parents - no one from DH’s side, and I could not find any friends who were “homeless” for the holiday. </p>
<p>I would probably have to drive my folks or at least meet them and drive them the last bit, plus they do not drive in the dark. In other years, I sometimes bring them back to our house after holidays so they can have a night here to visit with the kids.</p>
<p>SO… . they are now calling for up to 8” of snow in our area, starting Wednesday. My cousin’s is over an hour away and I do not think I want to brave driving in lots of snow.</p>
<p>If this storm does amount to something, I am torn as to what to do. Part of me says we should invite my folks up to our house on Wednesday and they would then probably stay until Friday. I know however, that that would be very, very difficult for DH; my mom is great, but she can be a bit overbearing and loud and in his current state it would be even more difficult for him.</p>
<p>I would love to blow off turkey day altogether and go somewhere or find a soup kitchen to work with but A) my son will be home from college and will want to see his GF/friends and B)I am an only child so that would mean my folks sit at home with nowhere to go if it snows (they don’t drive if they even mention the word “snow” on the forecast).</p>
<p>I have not brought up the forecast with DH yet as he is having enough trouble in his head these days without me bringing up a topic that will have no good answer in his eyes. He has acknowledged that we should see my folks in some fashion because “we don’t know how many Thanksgivings we have left with them” plus my dad is struggling with some health issues from a car accident, so it’s been a tough year for them and me. </p>
<p>I am wondering if I am anticipating too much or if I am not able to see the picture for what it is. Sometimes I get paralyzed trying to please everyone. </p>
<p>That’s a lot to think about and I would’ve stressing over the right thing to do too!</p>
<p>I love my family but I don’t think I would drive an hour in the midst of an 8 inch snowstorm - and would that be back too? </p>
<p>Having your parents to your house sounds like a good plan EXCEPT for the stress on your H. Is there a spot in the house he can"get away" to? What of the three plans would he choose - cousin, in laws at home, or nothing??</p>
<p>How about picking a different day to get together with your parents due to the weather, like Saturday or Sunday? We used to do DH’s family on Thanksgiving Day and then host my family on Saturday. Sometimes my parents did end up with no where to go on Thanksgiving Day and went out to a restaurant or a friend’s house.</p>
<p>Can you talk to your mom and dad and tell them to take it easy because this Thanksgiving will be tough for your DH and your family? Tell them that they should cut DH some slack and they probably will. I’m sure they will understand that someone who lost his mother a week ago is not going to be great company right now. </p>
<p>It’s going to be terribly sad for your DH no matter where you are. But even if it’s just the four of you plus your parents, that’s still nice and important. You can remember your MIL and FIL in a prayer or meditation before the meal. Nothing is going to make this holiday a great one, but that’s part of life. And driving in a snowstorm is not on.</p>
<p>Don’t try to mount a gourmet meal. Take it easy on yourself. Consider buying everything pre-made. Rituals matter because they confirm the bonds among the living. It may actually be more comforting to your DH to have Thanksgiving at your house than to risk doing nothing in the event that you can’t get to your cousin’s.</p>
<p>In short, you can’t make this one a great Thanksgiving but it will be okay as long as you are with loved ones, no matter where you gather.</p>
<p>My MIL passed last year 3 weeks prior to T Giving. All of DH’s siblings opted to have T Giving independently with their own spouses and kids versus the big family gathering. We had my mom and a family that we are close to over to our house for dinner. My H later said that he appreciated the smallness of the group and even enjoyed my mom who can be somewhat controlling. He felt he was not ready to rehash the funeral or to have the conversation be about his mom which is what he felt would have occurred a larger gathering.</p>
<p>(by Christmas he and his siblings were ready to gather and it was fun to talk about memories of MIL) </p>
<p>I wonder if you should make it easy for him and just say “I’d love to TGiving with just our kids and my parents at our house?” My guess is that he would like to stay home…it sure is hard to know what to do.</p>
<p>I think you should have your parents over. Your H is right: you don’t know how much longer they will be with you. </p>
<p>See if you H can make time to go off on his own for a while when they are there, especially if they are there overnight. You can explain to them that he is suffering and needs to be alone sometimes. I’m sure they will understand.</p>
<p>I would also suggest that you ask your S to stay around the house some of the time and pay attention to his grandparents to take some of the pressure off his dad. He is old enough to grasp this and step up.</p>
<p>Doesn’t sound like you have asked your H… why don’t you put a couple of options to him and see what he says? Sounds like one is to have them come stay, and host just them and your kids at home. Another is to move plans with them to an alternate day (Sat/Sun?).</p>
<p>Having your S spend a lot of time with your folks and H is a great idea too. It can help if he’s ready to share some college stories and have folks reminisce. </p>
<p>Agree it’s s good idea not to have folks drive in storm both directions, so think about an alternate day. Also think about buying things to mostly reheat to not stress yourself or H out. </p>
<p>How far away are your parents? Can you get a Thanksgiving dinner-to-go from a local restaurant or grocery and take it to your parents’ house on Thursday, or would the snow still be too intense? That would allow you to have the meal with your parents, keep your own home peaceful and quiet, and give you the flexibility to visit however long your husband is comfortable with. Also the memories would not be so direct of an impact if you’re in a different environment than usual on the holiday.</p>
<p>I like all of these ideas. Have your parents over but make sure they are told to be on best behavior. They will understand. Don’t go nuts going all out. Simple family favorites will suffice. </p>
<p>Also, one year, when I was single and my family was driving me nuts, I volunteered to serve food to elderly folk as part of a restaurant’s annual tradition. There was music, and I danced with the old guys, and it was fulfilling and fun. Then I met my family for our dinner. It was nice to do something for someone else. Maybe there is a way for you to do that, too.</p>
<p>This is the first Thanksgiving I will be on my own without my ex. My father passed away a year ago, so my mom would be by herself if I didn’t go see her. I also have D1 and 2 nephews in NYC with me (nephews’ home is CA). I could feel sorry for myself or I could choose to enjoy the holiday with my family. I ordered Thanksgiving dinner to be delivered to my place because I don’t cook. My plan was to drive the kids (D1 and 2 nephews) to my mom’s place on thanksgiving with the food. Now with 3-6 inches of snow on Wed, we may not be able to make it out to my mom’s house. Plan B now is to have my mom come into NYC on Wed via train and we would have the dinner at my place. I think to have my family around me on Thanksgiving will make me feel better. </p>
<p>OP - your husband maybe sad because passing of his mom, but I hope he could find some joy to have your parents around. He is right that you don’t know how many more years you will have with your parents. It would be sad for your parents to spend Thanksgiving by themselves.</p>
<p>I am so sorry about your MIL’s passing, and your husbands grief. I’ m going through the same thing right now. My MIL died unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. She’d been in excellent health, and showed no signs of any issues. Went to bed one Saturday night, two weeks ago, and did not wake up. Yes, many say that is the way to go, but it hit my DH hard and put him in a tailspin. Just did not expect this at all’ none of this did. So he is hurting terribly.</p>
<p>My own mother is gravely ill, and very weak right now. She really was the one we were expecting to leave us. And she is not doing well. I was with her for a week in the hospital, 3 days in ICU, before I took her home and then it was my MIL who died.</p>
<p>Then last week my late MIL’s brother died. The closest member of that side of the family to my DH. Expected in the near future, yes, as he had end stage COPD, but it was still a blow.</p>
<p>So it’s going to be a somber Thanksgiving here. We are keeping it low key. </p>
<p>I suggest you talk to your husband and ask him how he would like to procede. Some great ideas here. And just keep it very sedate and simple. </p>
<p>OP - What about fixing something and sending your son over to your parents for the day? I have to believe your parents will understand that your DH is not ready for a family get together.</p>
<p>So sorry to hear that your MIL died. It is always extra hard when we lose loved ones near the holidays. We lost H’s mom recently, and this week is the anniversary of the loss of my mother (she died the 2 days before Thanksgiving). While it was tough on all of us when mom died, we still felt that “being with family” was the best comfort, so we still had Thanksgiving…because we all still have much to be thankful for.</p>
<p>Do you feel that your H is having an unusually rough time? Do you think he would benefit from speaking to a professional? </p>
<p>Well, see, you all have given me lots of things to consider. My folks are an hour away, but not the same direction as cousins - we are in a triangle with one hour in each direction (or more to my cousins). </p>
<p>I do need to sit down and ask DH what he thinks. He is out with a friend who called to take him out to watch some football or something as a distraction. </p>
<p>I do not mind cooking at all, although at this late date I would cut some corners. And thank you to everyone who suggested my kids step up a bit - that is important too. I would love to send my S over to my parents, although not sure if that is feasible if it’s snowing as he doesn’t have a lot of experience in snow, but in theory that is a good idea.</p>
<p>Hugs to everyone who is also not having a “Hallmark holiday.” It’s hard when all the commercials and store displays make you think everyone is having a Norman Rockwell experience - I’ll bet less than half of us really come close to that :)</p>
<p>My father died suddenly three days before Thanksgiving 21 years ago. We still had relatives in town on Thanksgiving, and the food for the big meal had already been purchased. Instead of my mother hosting the dinner, my sister did, and we all gathered there for a somber yet together meal. The part about not knowing how much time you have is important. My grandmother (dad was her only child) died a few months later. Five years after that, my mother, then HER mother, then her only brother…that somber Thanksgiving meal WAS the last time we were all together.</p>
<p>I don’t know what will work best for you, OP, but maybe the same people in a different venue might work. And I hope your parents can “behave”. It’s not too much to ask for less than 48 hours. I’m sorry about your loss.</p>
<p>HI Surfcity…I would have my parents over. I think it is very sad indeed to have them be by themselves in their advancing years and it sounds as if DH understands that. It’s not going to be the most happy of Holidays, but for the kids it needs to be pleasant as much as it can be and having their grandparents there is one of those things. Most of their lives they won’t have them…so I think it’s important that they spend as many with them as they can. I would just run interference as much as you can that day…keep your parents occupied so if you DH wants to just go watch TV quietly he can. Anyway, that is what I would do.</p>
<p>Discuss with your H. Having just your nuclear family may be the best thing this year. Do NOT let your folks be there the whole weekend. Your H should be able to have time with the home from college kid without the extra company. father and children may want to spend vacation time reflecting on his side of the family without inlaws .around.</p>
<p>Last year it was just the two of us for the first time in decades. Son had changed jobs and moved about as far as he could in the continental US (our FL and his WA) so he came later when he could take more time. </p>
<p>Right now I am sitting in a hotel room waiting for tomorrow’s list from the hotel about Thanksgiving restaurants locally. I asked son to check on ideas weeks ago, days ago… but know he won’t (and my online search has not yielded what I want). But- we get to see our son. These are the yeas when the definition of family evolves- what was nuclear family for you transitions to having adult children who have their own wishes. Your children may want to support their father instead of dealing with grandparents. </p>
<p>We can’t live our lives/celebrate our holidays as if they are “possibly the last chance” any relatives get to spend with us. We need to enjoy them ourselves. Of course, by now you should be used to not celebrating every event with your parents. See what it means to your H and your kids. They may be happy for an excuse to not have them from what you stated about their several day visit.</p>
<p>Thanks for all your replies. Even the comments about giving “permission” to DH to go watch movie in another room and not be social were helpful to see in print. It looks like the bad weather will be today and tomorrow we should be able to get out, with a lot of driving but doable.</p>
<p>Being an only child really complicates things. And my mom has always been one to want a big family so it is painful for her to not see her family or extended family on holidays. I don;t think I will end up bringing them back here because logistically it would be difficult, plus it would be hard on DH. </p>
<p>But my folks have had a rough year too with my dad’s injury and mom calls me at least once a week crying because dad can be a lot to handle so I really wish I could give her some respite care. We are also struggling with out D who has some health issues now too, so unfortunately I cannot just go over to my folks regularly during the week to help out because I have to be home to tend to D. I really feel pulled in all directions these days. I guess I’ll be glad when the holidays are over :(</p>