We are considering going to mostly cash for Christmas presents this year, with a few stocking stuffers per kid.
We have one child who has been living with significant other for over 2 years. We took her on our family vacation, all expenses paid. I don’t know how to handle Christmas if we decide to give “big” (to us) cash gifts. Do I give same amount to each child unit, do I only give cash to my kids, do I give double the amount to the one with significant other, or 1.5 times the amount? At what point do we make changes - living together, dating for a long time, engaged, married?
I’m really looking for a general discussion on this topic, not a specific answer to my question.
My parents give the same amount to each daughter and son in law separately. None of us lived together before marriage, so I am not sure how that would have been handled. Last Christmas was the first time D’s f(then boyfriend, now fiance) was with us for Christmas. I gave him a stocking about equal to what I gave my own kids and then presents to my kids.
D and fiance are getting married just after Christmas this year and will be with his family for Christmas. I will likely give them stockings and then on Christmas morning I will give a stocking and gifts to my younger son that still lives at home.
I’m trying to think back to how my parents and inlaws handled gifts when we had our year of co-habitating before our wedding. If I’m recalling properly (and it’s been a long time), I believe my future in-laws gifted me with a nice purse and my parents addressed their check to both of us (no increase in amount). My in-laws never moved to checks for the holidays until much later in our lives and we received a lot of joint household goods for a long while. My parents did a combo and at some point transitioned to equal amounts for both of us.
I don’t really think there is a right or wrong here. Just whatever you think makes the most sense.
I don’t spend as much on my daughter’s live in boyfriend as I do on my daughter or her sisters. I probably spend half on him what I spend on the others. And I can’t imagine he would expect to receive as much as they do. So, if you’re doing cash, I would give the boy/girl friend half of what I was giving to the others.
When my relatives spend the holidays with us, we gave them similar gifts to what i generally mailed them, plus a stocking similar to what I gave the kids and H. I didn’t try to equalize as the and we don’t spend as much on exchanges as the gifts I tend to give H and my kids.
My kids weren’t in significant relationships. S has now been in a relationship for 18 months but it doesn’t seem like the GF will be spending the holidays with us—believe she will be with her extended family. They don’t live together, as far as I know. I will ask S whether it would be good, bad, ok for me to give a gift to his GF this holiday season and any suggestions he has.
When we were all in relationships, my folks didn’t give any of the significant others gifts until there was a wedding. None of us lived with our BF/GF before marriage, so don’t know how that would be handled. My folks seemed to give all the married couples a gift check for X. I believe the singles also got X. They’d also all get same check for X for all the birthdays they remembered. If they forgot your birthday (as been happening more and more these past years), no gift.
My folks also gifted some shares of a closely held family business to all of their children. Each child got Y shares, whether they were single or married at the time, whatever their age or stage of life or financial situation.
I have two nephews, one of whom is living with a girlfriend and the other, while not living with his girlfriend, has been dating her for years. Until now I never got the girlfriends any gifts, but since the one couple moved in together it suddenly feels like the landscape has changed. The other nephew has had a much longer relationship, but they both still live at home, and that never prompted me to feel like I had to give his girlfriend a gift, so somehow the cohabitating put it all on a different level. I can’t just get the cohabitating girlfriend a gift, especially since she has been in my nephew’s life for a much shorter time than the non-cohabitating girlfriend. So I decided to get each couple a gift card to a cool restaurant local to where they each live, and put on it enough to pay for 2 meals. This way I don’t have to pick out separate gifts for the girls, whom I don’t know well, yet it includes them in the main holiday gift to each nephew. It gets so complicated as they get older!
I have two kids living with their SOs this year. I’m wondering what to do, too. In the past, I’ve bought a gift for my D’s boyfriend (4 years), usually with input from D as to what he could use. I like the dinner out idea. Both couples are into living simply without a lot of “stuff”, so experience gifts would probably be appreciated. I’m planning on stockings for all of them.
I think the most important thing is to make them feel included. If you give stockings, it is not important that the value of items be equal, just that they are similar in value or type. Don’t give one diamond earrings and the other Gummy Bears.
We have given SOs 1/2 the dollar amount given to the child. After marriage we would give equal amounts.
I also think it depends on the gift giving or opening is going to occur with both of them present - for the presents 
- at the same time. Like is it family gift giving time and everyone is there - or are you giving GF later in the evening when she comes over after visiting her family?
If the couple is not looking or asking for a certain shared gift or $ towards a certain shared gift (like a kitchen appliance or something) I do vote for separate gifts for individuals. At Christmas I think it’s nice to get things (or to receive) that are JUST FOR YOU, not shared. Some splurges if possible.
With SO gifts, we never wanted our gifts to impact or “get ahead” of the relationship. We included SOs in the gift exchanges, choosing things they would appreciate, while attempting to avoid over-doing it. We wanted the couples themselves to drive that bus and set the pace. Living together didn’t change gifting, longevity did a bit.
Now that DD is married, the gifting to both will likely be some shared, some individual gifts and closer to the same. We don’t cost out our non-cash gifts to the penny for equality with our kids; everyone has a great birthday or holiday with general parity. Hope it works.
We started giving my son’s girlfriend gifts when she started spending Christmas breaks with us. They’d been together a couple of years at that point. I don’t know when her birthday is, and I don’t mail her gifts. But she gets a stocking and a nice present from us. She also gives us presents. (Though I don’t think she gives our other son presents - and he doesn’t give her one.) I think it’s trickier with money. I might talk to your kids and see what they think seems fair.
My 34 yr old D told me that she believes that she is special and that her H would never expect the “same” in our gifts to him that we give to her :)). That said, if the OP is giving a large gift to his children it is not necessary to give a significant other or even a spouse the same amount at all. Give the BF/GF a very nice gift, preferably not $. Even a gift certificate. We now give S and DIL either a trip with us close to the Holidays or a check to the two of them. Neither SIL or DIL come from a big gift giving family so we are off the hook more than most families. We spend a significant amount of money on various things during the yr. I just took DIL shopping for her interview clothes for her residency.
As far as BF or GF I think giving a thoughtful gift is plenty. More if they live together. But a significant amount of $$ --no.
I try to do a b/d package similar to my son’s. He’ll receive a serious item, like boots, or AWAY luggage, then Sox, Star Wars coasters, clothes, fresh coffee delivered for 3 months.
Fiance’s b/d is next month, and I asked for a list. Some are big ticket items, like short boots and a medium weight jacket, others like face products or a sweater or a scarf. Some of these items will be carried over for Hanukkah. At the start of their relationship, she asked for kitchen items. That was easier.
I don’t know,if I should start a new thread, but I don’t know if UGGs are still the boots of choice for a 30 y.o. Woman. What is the preferred jacket?
Son chose Blundstone boots. He was fine getting $$ and choosing his own.
Girlfriend of a year and they will not be spending the Holiday together. What are your thoughts on giving her a small gift this Christmas? I would ask my son beforehand.
Yes to a small gift.
Last Christmas both of my daughters were living with their fiancés. One I have known well for over a decade and the other who was newish. We decided to treat them exactly the same way as we treated our own kids with the caveat that we have a large age gap between our kids and have always given a little more to the young one living at home with no job versus the two with graduate degrees and established careers/finances.
We intentionally chose to treat the future sons-in-law (one is already a son-in-law and the other will be before Christmas) exactly like the family we consider them to be. My MIL always treated me like an after thought, even long after hubby and I were married and had children. What she did was choose expensive gifts for her daughter and son and then give me a cheap imitation, so for example, one year she gave them Burberry raincoats and gave me a cotton sweater. She didn’t owe me anything, but the enforced line between family and not family was unkind and I will not do that to these fine young men.
I think it depends on your finances, the relationship, and what you feel comfortable with and what you want to do. Usually in our family we would give a combined gift to the couple: movie pass for both of them, gift card to a restaurant for both of them, etc. Nothing too expensive or over the top. We always treat significant others very nicely and make them feel welcome. I think you need to let your kids take the reins and not be too over eager about them becoming a son or daughter in law when they first start dating…but to each their own!
The first year that my son’s gf (now wife) spent Christmas with us I bought her a monogrammed stocking to match the one’s I have for the rest of our family. My dog gives everyone in the family pajamas on Christmas Eve so I include significant other’s in that. Usually I give each of my 3 kids a gift and a check. For the SO’s I just give them a gift. I asked D1 and S3 last year if I should get their SO’s stockings and they both said no. Both have moved in with their SO’s this year so I will ask again.
This is always a dilemma. One significant other is now a full fledged family member. It was always awkward to open gifts as she was with us and my kids love to take turns. I would end up at the last minute wondering did I spend too much or not enough. Another SO is now a fiancé. We don’t see them in December as they spend Christmas with his family. I mail them gifts plus he doesn’t come from a family of big gift giving. One year he got a $20 gift card for a grocery store from his Mom as his only gift. He sometimes feels awkward that we get him gifts. On the other hand I would feel bad not spending on him what I spend on the other SO.
My other kid is dating someone going on almost a year now. I need to ask my D what she thinks I should do.
My Mom loved Christmas and was always generous with her children, spouses and the grandchildren. My inlaws are not great birthday or holiday gift givers but make up for it with the grandkids by contributing to college and milestone events.