<p>Soozie, I think you should pre-empt the situation and invite everyone to you ASAP. Explain forthrightly that you and your children need to be at home together to charge your batteries and you are sure that everyone will understand. Send out a carefully worded email. If your mom doesn’t email, then send her a copy with an FYI, I sent this out to the family, call me so we can make arrangements. Do it early so everyone can make arrangements , and adopt a completely matter-of-fact tone as if there is no question in your mind that everyone on your holiday list will want to work with you. I agree with treating the holidays as if there won’t be another one, but age doesn’t corner the market on that. Anything could happen to anyone at any time and so respect and consideration are key. There have been times when I’ve had words with my mother (she is a serious manipulator as well) because I’ve reached the limit of what I could take from her. Each time i’ve come out and said “I have to discuss this with you because I’m very upset and the situation is unacceptable” she’s been taken aback and upset, but we did ultimately reach a resolution. Of course, she wants what she wants but she does know that’s not always possible. It’s just a question fo how much I’m willing to take before I enforce my boundaries.</p>
<p>mafool…that is pretty funny. </p>
<p>Back in second grade, my daughter wrote a play that she put on. It was about divorce, believe it or not. I was hysterically laughing the entire time as she was the wife and this other boy who was good at acting also was the dad (my daughter does comedy real well) and it was so hilarious. You may know that my D is in the field of musical theater (a performer). I can see this new musical idea you guys have as being a great comedy (or tragedy as it were).</p>
<p>
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<p>Soozie, don’t try for Thanksgiving. Have it with whomever chooses to celebrate with you. Issue invitations and accept that some people may not come. You have the right to spend this holiday with your immediate family. You can do it and you should. It is the right thing for all of you.</p>
<p>zooser…thanks…we did try that real hard last year.
(btw, my mom doesn’t use the computer…I wish she did as she has nothing to do and she has a computer…my dad’s)</p>
<p>^^ OK, Soozie, we are staging an intervention here.</p>
<p>I am concerned that you are saying you will “try” as you have in the past.</p>
<p>You will not “try.” This is what you will DO. </p>
<p>What is the worst that can happen? </p>
<p>Why not, as part of this, plan now to make a big fuss over some other holiday for the first time? Then those family members who are disappointed about Thanksgiving can start focusing on something else.</p>
<p>(or Festivus a la Seinfeld 
At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the last year. ) </p>
<p>We will be bumping this thread so knowing you will need to report back to us should strengthen your resolve this year! You CAN do it!</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>Soozie, you can’t control what your mother is going to do, but you can create a lovely holiday and hope that she comes. Just tell her straight out that you know this isn’t what she is hoping for, but it is what will happen and you hope she will be a part of the holiday with you. Make sure your brother knows what’s going on early in case he needs to step in for your mother’s arrangements.</p>
<p>You can do this, Soozie, YES YOU CAN!!!</p>
<p>Jyber…uh oh…I’m going to have to report back in now. Hope it works out. Let me just say that phone call after phone call for months last year after I decreed that Thanksgiving would be here, involved a lot of pressure on me relentlessly. My kids got the same calls. So, I’m gonna do it…hope it works. </p>
<p>I have to say that my mom is not in the greatest health and her mobility is limited. Still, I believe she could come here. But even my other family could not understand why we did not just go there. Easy for them to say as their college kid got to come HOME (they live near my mom). They did not think my mom should have to come here. And my in-laws are bad about this kind of thing as well…they will not come here for the holiday and their other kids came to them (neither are married nor have kids in their lives).</p>
<p>We went to my mom’s for two days and part of it was so that the kids could also see their cousins. My niece from Alaska didn’t go home for Thanksgiving and she goes to UMich and I wanted everyone here and to have her fly here but my mom pressured her to fly to Philly to be there and so for my kids to see everyone, we had to go there. My other brother who lives near my mom, has a wife who can’t (won’t) travel who is wheelchair bound. (ie., she did not go on the big family cruise for my mom’s 75th)</p>
<p>It is such a big deal over just a holiday and we see everyone at OTHER times! When my brother’s family from Alaska were East a month ago visiting my mom, I traveled to Philly to see them (and one of my D’s did too).</p>
<p>Also, culturally, “family” is very important, particuarly on my side of the family. And so there is that pull that it is important to be with family and if we have it here, nobody seems to want to come. Yes, it is better for US. But by the same token, it is important for my kids to have their family beyond the immediate family. This is culturally very big in my family. Given where everyone lives, all different states, and then the fact that grandkids go to all different colleges in different states, it is rare that we can all be together and at SOME point, we need to fit that in. It is hard to arrange schedule-wise and so the holiday is one time it CAN be done but again, we’d like every third year to get to have our kids at home. So the compromise the past two years was to split the four day weekend to half at my family’s and half at home, but with great distances involved and travel on three days.</p>
<p>The next big song in the musical:</p>
<p>Choose to Cruise? You Lose!</p>
<p>Soozie,</p>
<p>I would treat the phone calls the same way I would treat whining kids – not let them work!</p>
<p>I would happily chat away with Mom but give a one-sentence response to any arguments about Thanksgiving – the same one all the time – “I am so sorry this upsets you and very much hope you will choose to join us, but the decision is made and that is what will be happening. Please do not upset the girls about this matter, as they need to focus on their studies.” (Oops, that was two sentences!)</p>
<p>Then directly start talking about something else interesting and/or say you have an appointment (which may be only with a cup of tea ). </p>
<p>Do not enable the manipulator!</p>
<p>Report back to us!</p>
<p>P.S. Doing Thanksgiving on your own, IF it comes to that, does NOT mean that your focus on extended family is any less. You can spend just as much quality time with extended family at another less demanding time of year. You are simply claiming one holiday at your own home after many years of responding to others’ demands. It does NOT mean you are “divorcing” your extended family. You are simply no longer catering to their unreasonable demands.</p>
<p>When they got married, my parents moved 750 miles away from the town both their sets of parents lived in. When I was young, we spent every Christmas with the gparents, which was simple because all the family was in one town.</p>
<p>Now I’m engaged. My fiance and I live 300 miles away from my parents, and 1000 away from his. For this year, we’re spending Thanksgiving with my immediate family and part of my extended family, Christmas together, and the time immediately after Christmas with his family. We’ll see how it works out.</p>
<p>next:
Dinner At My House ( a fugue-like dialog sung between Soozie and her mother; young adult children comprise the chorus)</p>
<p>lyrics making liberal use of the following recurring rhymes:
pouts, shouts, louse, grouse
with a repeating thematic submotif from It’s All About ME underlying the parts sung by soozie’s mom.</p>
<p>Jyber, I love your posts. Mafool, your musical renditions are hilarious! </p>
<p>Jyber, the thing is, even if I tell her to not pressure the kids, she WILL. Just as relentlessly. And my older child, in particular, is very easygoing and likes to please (like me).</p>
<p>Boy, I left for a short time, and I had to catch up on all of these posts!</p>
<p>Soozievt, are you sure that we don’t share the same mother, LOL?
I do side with your mother about her 75th birthday. What were you supposed to do, not go on the cruise for your mother’s 75th birthday? It is just a shame that your H could not go on the cruise too. A 75th and an 80th birthday are of equal importance.</p>
<p>We just had family squabble, because my mother recently celebrated her birthday. My brother and his wife decided to pick the weekend before mom’s birthday (8 days early) to celebrate because it fit into their work schedules. They did not call me about this (yes, there is a serious communication problem). My mother called to announce the celebration 2 weeks before. She asked what I was doing on that date. As it turned out we had a conflict because we were invited to something on my H’s side of the family (2 hour drive each way). My mother literally pitched a fit. The fit was about how my H keeps up with his family, and I do not keep with mine (I keep up with the few people in it btw. My H has a larger and closer family). A fit is the only way to describe it. We were able to let my brother and SIL know that the lack of communication caused a big problem. They wanted to make all plans and then just plug us into them. Oh, they are also a bit inexperienced at this because they aren’t married too long. We ended up being plugged into their plans. Well, we went to one family gathering from 12-2:30, and then we cut out early to make my mother’s birthday celebration late that evening. One more thing, naturally, no consideration was given to cost. The evening cost us a small fortune (not an easy thing with a child in college, and we pay for all of college without any granparent help btw), and I have yet to hear a thank you.</p>
<p>mafool, I can’t imagine the lyrics to “Dinner at My House.” My mother contends that I can’t handle making Thanksgiving Dinner…ha ha…I have had Thanksgiving here many times and done it beautifully. But she also hates my house and how I keep it and so she can’t stand to be here as she doesn’t “approve.” Meanwhile, since my mom is deteriorating, the last Thanksgiving at her house was entirely catered. The one before, was eating out at a private club. And she’ll say that I am no help if I come there…I tell her I can do it all but she won’t let me do one thing…I arrive on Wed., and the entire table is already set for Thursday Thanksgiving dinner because apparently I am not capable of doing it for her even though it was very dificult for her to do as she has problems standing and walking. This is the tip of the iceberg.</p>
<p>Passive Aggression </p>
<p>Danced and sung to a tango rhythm…</p>
<p>(this is much more interesting than the paperwork I am procrastinating…forgive me, all.)</p>
<p>northeastmom…my husband’s family was NOT reasonable in my view about the cruise. My mom planned it at least a half year in advance and it did not coincide with her real birthday. She asked all three kids’ about the week that would work for all and it was XMas week. With six kids in school (four in college and two in HS) and living in three different states, that made logical sense. It is not like she could pick the exact start and end date as it was a cruise. The cruise ended on my father-in-law’s 80th birhtday (which was Dec. 30). No affair was planned but naturally we would go be with him to celebrate. I was going to fly there from San Diego but the earliest I could get there was late at night on his actual birthday since I could not fly until the cruise docked and was going West to East and they don’t live near a major city and I was going into Albany. It seemed reasonable to me for someone that age who is not a child, to be happy we could all come and do the celebratory dinner the next night. But my in-laws were incensed at my mom for planning the cruise for her birthday then (which truly was the only time it was doable for all involved). On my husband’s side, his siblings have no grandchildren or spouses that were involved and we could have celebrated the next day. But my in-laws, nor my husband were into it and so my husband stayed back and missed the vacation with my kids and rest of my family and was with his dad on his real birthday. I still offered to fly in on the 30th but they told me not to bother because they were THAT angry about this. I still hear about this a few years later!</p>
<p>soozievt, my mother recently stopped making holidays, but she has the table set a week before “the event”. She needs to pull out of her crystal glasses and goblets, and her fine china. She hand washes everything and inspects each piece under the light to make sure that there are no fingerprints or water marks. For her to set up her table probably takes several hours. I am also not allowed to help, but I am told that I did not help after the fact (weird). My mother caters in most of it, and makes a side dish, because she can’t handle more than that and does not have big freezer to make things in advance.</p>
<p>mafool, I am supposed to be doing work now myself!</p>
<p>I love this quote I found today:</p>
<p>“I have not YET begun to procrastinate.” :D</p>
<p>(I need to be researching colleges for a student who I put off because I spent a LONG time researching colleges and typing that all up for my brother’s son who is a rising senior and sent it to them last night and haven’t heard from any of them…meanwhile, I haven’t done the work for the ones who are paying me, LOL)</p>
<p>northeastmom…is your mom my mom’s twin??? Yikes, another one who sets the table days in advance and won’t let me do a thing only to claim later that I am no help. She hires a maid to do all the dishes because she claims I am incapable of doing so (and I am 51). Yes, she had it all catered. She made ONE thing too like your mom.</p>