<p>soozie, I cross posted with you. It was not necessary to explain. I understood the cruise the BD problem. Your family dynamics sounds similar to ours.</p>
<p>
“I have not YET begun to procrastinate.” right. It’s not tomorrow until midnight. ;)</p>
<p>Well, my mother did not hire a dishwasher, and I do help wash all of dishes with her. She yells to make sure that I don’t chip anything (like I don’t know to be careful-she still thinks that I am 8 years old), but we get it done. Then she complains that she was up all night still putting things away. she has always made it harder on herself than it needed to be. Frankly, my mother never cooked (her mother did the all of cooking), so she really never mastered it, but I don’t care. I learned to cook by cooking and experimenting. My mother never did that. She has always catered in, but that is fine with us. We just don’t want to hear the constant complaints.</p>
<p>I wonder how our moms think we manage in our adult lives away from them. But in their presence, they treat us (well, I’ll speak for myself) like I am still 12 and as if I never manage these same tasks in my own home. </p>
<p>My mom CAN cook but her health is getting worse and she can’t handle it now.</p>
<p>Not having read much of the intervening posts, I was hit by the prospect of grandparent’s requiring holiday visits when kids were in college. Nope, not at our house. My in laws are extremely demanding and whatever you give is never enough- if you do a great thing and spend a long time with them, they want more or the same again. What I might see as doing something special for them in reality sets us up for failure if we do not repeat it :(</p>
<p>With one out of UG, and two in UG, having made the travel arrangements for years for them to come home from school and having lived out of the country for a while yet still trekked the kids to see the in laws several times a year, I called it quits and told the kids they are never again REQUIRED to visit grandparents or to come on family vacations. </p>
<p>We will let them know when we are taking a family type trip and if it works they can join us, but no guilt trip if they cannot. If they want to see their grandparents, that’s great, but it is up to them. Sadly, they are all enthusiastic about the “sweet” grandparents and fairly disinterested in the demanding ones. They all have seen them as much as is reasonable given they have lives and the grandparents are both far away and an expensive ticket away, it is not enough for the grandparents, but I have learned over the past 30 years, it could never be enough.</p>
<p>My mother really set a good example, she never has put demands on us, but has been so pleasant and so supportive that every one WANTS to be with her…so you find ways to do it. She had a few years when she could not travel and they did have Christmas alone a few times. I have 3 sibs and in different places I have lived there has never been more than one sibling near by; once two were a day’s drive away. When that happened, we had the in laws travel to our home, but gave them the week before Christmas; had Christmas Day with both set so grandparents. The in laws left the next day and my siblings traveled over, spending that week together for cousin time. It was perfect because all the sibs did the 25th with the in laws and then we all had mellow, not hectic time together and opened our gifts on New Years- meaning you could shop after Christmas sales for cousin gifts 
That worked when we lived in the central hub. Now we are farther away from two sibs, it is a real trip and much more effort and expense.</p>
<p>As some others have mentioned it is common that every one “back home” can get in the rut of expecting those who moved away to do all the traveling and truly you can go home and see several families, but still it is nice for the to make the effort sometimes!</p>
<p>If I’m Not Complainin’ I Ain’t Alive</p>
<p>alternate title:</p>
<p>I Whine Therefore I Am</p>
<p>Sooz:</p>
<p>A} caller ID, just skip those pesky calls</p>
<p>B} your mom sounds like she was right and in laws were wrong on the cruise, “the day” is just not that big a deal, darn it, who is the kid and who is the grown up, eh?</p>
<p>C} having spent the last 30 years suffering the attempted manipulations and guilt trips of the in laws, my tune changed dramatically after a few eye openers when I realised it would never be enough, I might as well do what I wanted. Of course I am sweet and kind in person, but I have to be hard core to myself to prepare for any interactions. And, sadly, with my in laws not traveling the past few years, we have had much better Christmases, I realise in hindsight how much I despised being critiqued on every point Christmas morning!</p>
<p>somemom, my goal is to behave like your mother. I want to draw my kids and their families closer. The complaints and whining do nothing but push me away. As long as I am respected and appreciated, I will be happy. I never want to do a guilt trip on my kids and their families.</p>
<p>I think it becomes much ado about the holiday because we see both families/parents/grandparents many times per year. It is the holiday that causes a problem as we can’t be three places at one time. I truly felt we had set it up so fairly with yearly rotations but now my mother keeps demanding that every year is her turn. </p>
<p>Lots of complain’ goin’ on. </p>
<p>Younger D is at one set of grandparents this weekend. In fact, at the moment, she is at the horseraces. Now, my mom is complainin’ that that D has not come to her home for a weekend this summer (she has seen her though).</p>
<p>northeastmom, I think we have learned to not do this to OUR kids!!</p>
<p>Somemom…caller ID would not truly work. I am in contact with my mom every week and so no matter who calls who, I have to deal with this type of thing on every call. Many calls begin with her yelling about why haven’t I called her. And God forbid if she calls and I am on my way to an appointment or the like, she takes it personally as if I do not want to take her call. She also gets upset that if I get a call waiting while she is on the phone and I ask her to hold on for about 30 seconds to check who it is but not talk to the person…but I always want to take the call waiting as it may be (and often is) one of my kids and I want to be reachable given that both live far away and are not that old (and I have lived through one of my kids being in a tragic accident when neither me or my husband were reachable).</p>
<p>FIL has been complaining he has not seen much of our kids. Oldest saw them earlier this year, through her own efforts, even missed two days of class to make it happen- they had a ball.</p>
<p>They now want the other kids to also come down and visit and even offered to pay the ticket to CA. DD leaving the end of the month for college is willing to go, we spent all week figuring out when in the time left she could go and reserved a ticket. I checked with FIL to make sure the times are okay.</p>
<p>He decided not to have her come as the ticket is too expensive- about $75 more than best fares, though more than twice what his son from TX just paid, so FIL says, no rush, he isn’t dying any time soon. So, why’d we jump through hoops and try so hard to make it work…because you innately want to please parents!</p>
<p>Our latest good news is that he no longer wants us to come as a family, too hard to get a good visit, as we laugh with and pay attention to each other. he wants us to come singly!!! :eek: Okay for the kids on a college long weekend, but seriously, now that I am an empty nester, he thinks it is a good idea to ask a DIL to come without his son??? Too too strange.</p>
<p>NEM- I try to pay attention to the total lack of pressure my parents put o us, even when MIL was trying to one up my mum, she never gave in to the contest and never mentioned it to me when I was young and it would have stressed me. And for sure, what goes around comes around. My parents live 2 miles from me, in laws live 1500 miles. Every one (grand kids, DH) like to spend time with the folks and enjoy them. No one likes to go to the in laws, even DH 
So, I know which methods work!</p>
<p>Sooze: is your mom my FIL? I spend half a year in their home helping with a surgical recovery. Kids in UG and HS and he deeply resents how often I am on my phone- as if watching any daily TV with them was critical? As if I am not away from my mom responsibilities and endeavoring to cover them from afar.</p>
<p>Nowadays when we visit he is cranky if I answer my phone though he knows I have my business line forwarded to my cell when I travel. Very frustrating when an 80 or 90 year old is stuck in the mind of a four year old!!!</p>
<p>Poor Mollie is probably questioning why she got married about now…</p>
<p>^^^ L O L !!!</p>
<p>But her parents and inlaws are of our Much More Enlightened Generation!! No worries, Mollieb!</p>
<p>I think there is hope for Mollie! Yes, indeed. The parents and in-laws are in our generation. I think we can do better and not repeat these mistakes!</p>
<p>Not so fast, Soozie! My sister is of your generation and she is, hands-down, the most manipulative person I’ve ever met. Her son married this year and she’s making the newlywed couple crazy already. She’s currently on a tear because the son and DIL are staying for a week of vacation at the wife’s parent’s beach house and not with her in her suburban house. This from the same woman who completely blew off her own mother on her big birthday this year (didn’t come, didn’t buy a present, nothing), and has only seen mom once in a year. (they live less than an hour away) At the wedding, sister pretended not to now her birth family because we are certainly not good enough for her, and she tried to dictate the entire event. Point being: there are jerks in every generation.</p>
<p>ohhhhh dear…</p>
<p>It is all about HER, right?</p>
<p>Oh yes Mafool. All about her. The last holiday we saw her was when my mother in law was dying. It was very clear that the end was near (it was the last time she ever left the house and died two weeks later) but my sister couldn’t stop herself from taking a raving temper tantrum in my house because she didn’t like the timing of the holiday events.</p>
<p>mollie, as you can see the holidays can be a pleasure, and they can become unpleasant through the years. My advice to you is for you and your husband to support each other, work out the details regarding holidays between the 2 of you, keeping family in mind, and then present a united front to parents/family on both sides if any disagreements arise. My H and I have always done that.</p>