However, my wife’s Mum arrives from Beijing on Saturday for a week and frankly, I cannot wait! We do get along great.
I had actually thought of the words I would use and they seem to want a british accent a la Downton Abby and I would say “Of course you’re right . . .” with a lovely snile (snide smile)
A couple years ago my wife got an email early Christmas morning from her sister, outlining a series of grievances she had been holding for years. Some we knew about, others were new. The brother was also included, along with his transgressions (which were far fewer, but still present). The parents were CC’ed on the email.
We were all supposed to be at sister’s house in a few hours for lunch. After talking W down off the ledge we did still go to do our part to keep the peace. I did however manage to find an open liquor store Christmas morning. Bought a bottle of bourbon and made old fashioneds for everyone, most importantly for W.
Sometimes she handles her sister better after a drink, and this was going to be one of those days. I don’t think that the email ever came up that day. But everyone was on eggshells a bit in case the sisters started going at it. Honestly they are both good people, but very different. In different ways, they both drive each other crazy.
Alcohol can be dangerous though, too. Some people lose all sense and go rogue after more than a drink or two, saying things they later regret.
It was a fine line. She definitely needed one drink, not three. She’s pretty good about knowing where the line is. She wasn’t interested in having a few and getting into it. She just wanted one to take the edge off. It made the confrontation less likely.
And I tried to kind of keep her occupied so the sisters weren’t alone. Desite the fact that the sister sent that email, neither one is interested in a face to face confrontation especially in front of other people, so I made sure there was always someone else (preferably one of the kids) in the room with them.
The other factor was that part of me was ok with W calling her sister out on the crazy to try to get it in line. I was trying to avoid that, but figured if it happened it wasn’t the worst thing in the world either.
WOW. What a crummy thing to do on Christmas! I have a relative that would do that, but this person has borderline personality disorder.
@dadof4kids , oh my gosh. They never have talked about it? It sounds like they could use some counseling together.
But then you called sister crazy so I mean, is she really like unreasonable and unreachable and there’s no point in trying? Yeah, someone who does that on Christmas morning is not exactly “all there”, I guess.
Without going too deep into it and taking over the thread, I know they have talked about some of the issues, although I think there were a couple my wife thought were too over the top to merit a response. The bottom line is that sister is very different from her 2 siblings. She is much more religious, and there are some things she volunteers for and feels very strongly about that her siblings are pretty opposed to. Personality-wise they are also very different. For those reasons, we don’t really spend much time together with them. Everyone loves everyone and gets along for the most part, but they just don’t have much in common other than parents. There are a few topics everyone knows to steer clear of when we are together, and it works out.
Sister and brother live near each other, we live a few hours away. We were in town the 24th for other obligations, and brother’s kids and my kids had an unplanned sleepover. Sister’s kids weren’t invited. Not as an intentional slight, but they live about 30 minutes away from brother and no one thought to call them.
The email started about her kids being left out, but went REALLY deep into the weeds about her and her family being left out of things. That night was a bit of a misunderstanding, but some of her other issues were over the top. And in my opinion raising it right before everyone was headed to her house for Christmas was also not appropriate.
Everyone still gets along, btw. I think she is a bit sad we don’t want to spend more time with her, but we don’t with my family either. Our kids were always super busy, and we spent our family time at their stuff. She runs her family differently, and doesn’t understand why we don’t.
Calling a group of more than 10 people small- wow, for us that is a crowd. With that many people it is easier to avoid too much time with someone you don’t want to talk to.
I don’t think it’s a good story but a way to handle the day. Bring a dish, volunteer to help wash up, smile and avoid any controversial issues. With this strategy, I’ve never had a problem during a holiday… doesn’t mean I don’t go home venting about a minor issue.
Well, I love my family and my in-laws but also love having a plane ticket handy when we’ve been having too much togetherness. 
I have been flying a lot more since my folks have had more dementia—partly due to demands of my nonprofit and partly for preserving my health and marriage!
My coping strategy for the one relative who is difficult: I make it an (internal) game. I count how many times I bite my tongue, and when I get to 10, I get to buy myself a present. Since I can easily hit 10 within a 24 -48 hour period, this works well
Last year I got myself a mug that was ridiculously expensive (for a mug) that I had been coveting.
I like @cinnamon1212 's game and I was going to suggest something similar like a Bingo card with all of the squares being things that push your buttons (eg, “brother-in-law tells sexist joke”, “aunt shows up 2 hours early and expects to be entertained when we are all still prepping”, etc. But counting would be easier.
One of my strategies is much the same as yours, @cinnamon1212. And since I’ve been playing it for years, there’s kind of a bonus round, in which I wear one of those presents to a gathering, and amuse myself by hoping one of the more difficult folks will comment on it, and I’ll get to say something like, “thanks, I’m glad you like it. Something about it just makes me think of you.”
My MIL is slyly needles. She’s always been this way with me, and other SIL’s, and I’ve never known how to deal with someone like that. I’m not good at it. My other SIL’s don’t have to put up with it anymore because of divorce. I’m still really good friends with one of them and she doesn’t miss MIL at all.
I find I just get really angry and it eats at me. Once, before DS1 was born 26 years ago, I confronted her and had her in tears (I felt such power, but was sweating profusely under my arms…haha). Things got much better for about a decade. I just don’t have it in me to do that again.
We paid the airfare for her and her husband to visit for Thanksgiving. So maybe she’ll behave,
On a very happy note, my son, who was suppose to arrive next week on Wednesday night at midnight…surprised us last night and is now sleeping in his bedroom! We haven’t seen him since July! I’m so glad I have him alone before she arrives.
My parents come from large families. Growing up our holiday dinners were well attended. Everyone got along but as a kid/teenager it was “annoying” get poked and prodded by all the aunts and teased by all the uncles.
When I got married we started having holiday dinners at our house. It was a lot of work and I’m sure my parents annoyed my wife but it was worth the effort.
My reply might have been in-jest but now that I’m much older, I would give my left arm to have all my family back together again. Every year there are less and less grandparents, aunts, and uncles attending functions.
@HarrietMWelsch we are kindred spirits! The last time I needed to pump myself up for a family event I bought a beautiful necklace to wear and I’ve been trying to design an outfit for Thanksgiving that will include wearing it again!
@HImom — wish I had an escape plane. But I only have a car…
Fortunately, my mother in law visited us in September, so she will not be here to wreck our holidays. (She has borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.) I find myself walking a thin line between mercy and compassion, and the desire to run away and have nothing to do with her. It’s so sad that she is so alienating, because she is a talented and interesting person.
We will have our son and a few “strays” from our neighborhood, lonely people who want to share the holiday with someone. It should be interesting!
Lately I’ve wished we had designated a family “safe” word years ago that any of us could use to stop and change a subject when it goes off the rails.