With holiday season coming up, I thought I’d create a post to get people talking about how holidays go with the in laws. Either your own parent-in laws or possibly kid-in laws when they come to visit. Anybody have any good stories?
In-law holidays are better for me. Less drama than my side of the family.
I’ve been divorced a long time, but my in-law family had lots of drama. My ex never liked his older brother. One time in our early marriage, the brothers got into an argument at Christmas dinner. I was shocked since my family does not argue in the first place and would never cause a scene at Christmas. Now my MIL has passed away and my ex has nothing to do with his brother.
Our younger son’s in-laws are joining us for Christmas. Both sons and DIL stay here at the house, in-laws take a hotel room. They’re kind, drama-free, friendly, helpful. Our third year doing this and it is such a great pleasure.
It’a nice that the two families mesh well and can enjoy the holiday together, @HouseChatte!
My SO’s parents are visiting us for a few days at Thanksgiving and we’re heading up to them for a few days at Christmas. They’re staying at a hotel when they visit us (they’re bringing their dog and I’m allergic) and we’re staying with them when we go up next month. Should be interesting.
I’ll never forget the year the inlaw family of 4 waited to take their showers until they arrived on Thanksgiving day one year (school age kids). They had plenty of bathrooms (at least the 3 we had then) and arriving a half hour later ready to socialize would have been better than having them use our baths- I was prepared for the next morning use , but… Nothing quite like having your master bath space invaded when you aren’t expecting it.
This is a relatively new thing for me, but I’m not looking forward to seeing some family members. If it’s a smallish gathering (15-20 people) do you have any great coping skills to share?
I find it helpful to anticipate the things that will likely set me off.
You know, my brain is not surprised by anything that comes out of anyone’s mouth so there is much less internal knee -jerk feeling offended, and it’s more like an internal bingo game.
I also find it helpful to review my goals, immediate & big picture. It helps for work too.
I also like having an escape plan. I had to cut a visit short recently bc it was getting so unpleasant. I was able to get out of there, I think, without anyone being the wiser.
Good luck!
Sounds like the name of a movie.
@threebeans - My advice - keep expectations very low. Just expect the worst so anything even semi neutral will be an improvement. I also keep a running mantra that “this too shall pass” if things get really crummy.
I think an escape plane is healthy and useful as needed.
I had an in law who was pretty judgy and a good button pusher, I always had to remind myself that I do not respect his opinion, do not need his approval so not to defend myself and kids.
Next week, we will be meeting/eating/sharing an Airbnb what we expect will be ds1’s in-laws one day. We are excited!!!
In no particular order, Jack Daniels, turn on football games or Hallmark channel, play games or read books to any kids, poker or scrabble game with any adults you can tolerate, take any dogs in the house on a long walk, take a “turkey coma” nap, help clean-up, take a book and “disappear” for a while, go shopping, organize a pick-up football/dodgeball/kickball game. The key is to stay mobile and not get pinned down. Worst case, throw some water on your face, pretend to vomit and excuse yourself early.
I miss Thanksgiving with my in-laws (both died before my kids were born). They were so very nice! Lately we have gone to SIL’s ranch every Thanksgiving and the kids so look forward to it. This year my D asked them when they would be there and they told her they weren’t going to be there this year. No warning to us. Not very happy about this! Over 4th of July we were talking about how much we were looking forward to it now that they have a bigger Ranch with an outside building for us to stay in. They still haven’t told us just her. We all get along so I don’t understand why they didn’t call and say “Sorry, we decided to make other plans …”
We do have a gender reveal with D’s boyfriend’s family right after Thanksgiving. I do not look forward to it at all. D and bf aren’t getting along very well, his family is a mess and we have nothing in common with them at all!
After Christmas we are taking S17 and his girfriend skiing at Sun Valley. She is wonderful and I’m looking forward to that trip! She would make a nice DIL but we will see! (They have been together 2 1/3 years so far)
Great suggestions here for coping but sometimes, in cases like the above, I think the best thing is to just call them out/talk to them about it in as much as an unemotional voice, Ms. Manners-ish voice as you can muster. Some people need to be told their behavior isn’t acceptable.
@HImom if your reply #11 is a typo, it’s the most appropriate one I’ve seen in days!
Yes. This is a great reminder.
I have made some unconventional decisions during my lifetime. Some of the decisions are so very different from those of extended family members.
In a group setting, this can turn into an area of teasing or poking fun at me and it can definitely venture into thinly-veiled derision territory.
I don’t like it but I do. not. engage & feed the monster. I’ve concluded that getting me to react is part of the entertainment and I’m not playing. I’ve observed it’s over pretty quickly if I am able to remain cheerful & unflappable.
YMMV!
Words to literally live by:
“Happiness is having a large, loving, close-knit family in another city.”
- George Burns