Homestay issues in Spain

Parent Cafe
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<p>My daughter is currently studying abroad in Madrid for the semester. Her homestay is with a widowed woman and another student. Each girls has her own bedroom and they share a bathroom. She also has wireless internet which was very unexpected as we were told many people do not have internet. Sounds like a great setup to me, but the girls are have trouble getting settled.Understand the girls have only been there 2 days, so most of what I say will work itself out in a matter of time; I am just looking for advice on helping my daughter through the transition. I also know that once the girls feel comfortable asking the woman questions all will be ok. BTW, the girls are not allowed to speak English at anytime except to speak to us or in an emergency. Both girls speak good Spanish, but I know the vocabulary will need to expand while they are there.</p>

<p>What I want to know is which of these issues are cultural, and which are just behavioral. According to the girls, the woman leaves all the doors closed to the rooms of the house, so they never know where she is or if they are allowed in. The woman told them that other students in the past enjoyed watching tv, but the girls don’t know if they can just turn it on at any time assuming they are allowed in the room. </p>

<p>The woman does not eat with the girls, she serves them their meals. She told them she finds it rude to serve and eat at the same time. She does talk to them some while they eat, but they feel uncomfortable with her serving them. Would it be rude of them to offer for her to join them for the meal? My daughter is afraid of offending her host so she doesn’t want to say or do anything that she isn’t sure of.</p>

<p>It turns out this woman does not work and she told the girls she rarely leaves the house. The grocery store is next door, so it sounds like she would not be gone long. In a few weeks I said maybe they could offer to take her out to lunch, but again I don’t know how that would be received. The girls really had hoped to be a part of a family and be able to hang out with the family. Since this is an older woman, they are not sure how they fit in. As long as the doors are closed, the girls feel like they are suppose to stay in their rooms and are not welcome in the rest of the house. I know my daughter envisioned sitting around at night watching tv and doing a puzzle with her family. She really would like to be able to help cook dinner as she enjoys cooking.</p>

<p>My daughter said she needed to take her medication the first night and didn’t have anything to drink. She was very thirst from the flight, but did not know if she was allow to go to the kitchen and get a drink. Again, once the girls ask these questions I know things will be alright, but in the meantime they feel a bit unsettled.</p>

<p>I am surprised this woman, who has had students in the past, has not told them the rules of the house. I think the girls are just a bit unsure how to ask and would have done better with a host that was more outgoing. Of course, I know my daughter is doing so much better than I would in the same situation! Once classes start and the girls are not just sitting around, I know everything will be just great.</p>

<p>The program has mentioned several times about the students adapting to the family, not the family adapting to the student. My daughter is fine with that, but just doesn’t know what she needs to adapt to!!</p>

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<p>My son spent his junior year of high school studying in Spain. Only one student per family was allowed, so your daughter has it really easy. What a great host mom! My son would be envious. Make sure that your daughter takes a trip to Barcelona-- truly one of the greatest cities in the world. My son plans to visit Barcelona this summer for 6 or 8 weeks. Which program is your daughter participating in? Encourage your daughter to knock on any closed door before entering another room. Based on the housing situations of dozens of other students over the course of 9 months in Spain, you and your daughter will be grateful for such a wonderful host mom, private bedrooms and sharing a full bath with just one other person. Before raising any issues that might be misunderstood, advise your daughter to give a small gift, such as flowers and a note of appreciation, to her host mom. This alone may help resolve concerns on all sides.</p>

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<p>If the girls are unsure of their abilities to have this conversation in Spanish, they could write a cordial note to the woman explaining that they have some questions and are writing because they are not yet as fluent as they would like. (This way they can edit to their hearts’ content until they they are happy with the tone.)</p>

<p>They can mention that they are aware that there are bound to be cultural differences and say that they want to understand their new family and do not want to make their host uncomfortable in any way. They can ask which rooms are available to them and which rooms are private, and if closed doors signify that they may not enter. They can ask if they may cook on occasion…</p>

<p>Then they can take this note with them when they go to talk to the woman. I would think this would help to break the ice and start a conversation.</p>

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<p>Another thought-</p>

<p>I remember being an exchange student in high school. The first couple of weeks of speaking only Spanish were exhausting and a bit isolating. This is an important transition. When you evaluate your daughter’s communications, it may be a good idea to remember the stresses inherent in the situation. (You probably already know this, but I thought it might bear mentioning)</p>

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<p>Having doors closed between areas of a house in Spain is completely normal. Once they get more comfortable and situated, they should definitely ask, and I’m sure they will be able to enter rooms as they please. The same goes for getting a drink of water in the evening. It is also somewhat customary for the house mothers, or senoras, not to eat with the students, though an invitation from the girls would be nice, though it may be turned down. </p>

<p>Most women who take in students, do it as a full time job, so the fact that she doesn’t have an outside job is not unusual, nor is the fact that she is a single woman. Once classes starts and she meets other students, she will realize that her homestay situation is typical. Also, lunch is usually the biggest meal of the day, and while in school, your daughter may not have time to come home and cook a meal (I know when I was studying abroad, I went to class until lunch, came home and ate, and occasionally had to go back for classes later in the day.) Also, going out to lunch is not typical in Spain, though my experience is in Sevilla, so Madrid may be different, but going out for tapas in the evening is very typical.</p>

<p>I was an exchange student in Sevilla, and your daughter should not miss out on Semana Santa or Feria down there. They are both truly unique cultural celebrations in the spring. The transition to life speaking another language all of the time can be challenging, but things will work out. Remember the host families usually have done this before, and if not know what to expect through communication with the exchange program, so in terms of asking questions, she should be fine. Spain is an amazing country and I loved it there!</p>

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<p>I know most of my daughter and her roomates issues are more of a transition issue, not a problem with her host. As I have never traveled abroad, I am unfamiliar with regional differences other than I know there are differences. </p>

<p>The group is on an orientation trip for a week so the girls will not even be back to their host home for a week. I suspect when they return, they will have discussed their issues with the other students as well as the director of the program and will see they are experiencing the same as other students. Sure, some will have very outgoing families, and others will wish their families would give them some space. The grass is always greener on the other side!</p>

<p>Again, I think the girls lucked out with having private bedrooms and their own bath, and wireless internet. I understand they feel weird having someone wait on them, but I am sure they will get use to it. I wish someone would fix my dinner, clean up and do my laundry!!</p>

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<p>Every family is different. I was very lucky the year I lived in France as my family really did make me a part of the family. We had family meals and they often talked to us. They determined what was watched on TV for the most part, but i was always invited to join them. (I remember watching election coverage and all the Pagnol movies when he died.) My French “Mom” taught me to cook a number of her specialties. OTOH I stayed with a German woman who sounds just like your daughter’s host. All those closed doors! It was quite disconcerting - especially as I’d had the French experience first. </p>

<p>At any rate I’d encourage your daughter to ask her host about anything she has questions about. The host probably would feel just as uncomfortable sitting with the girls after doing it this way for so long.</p>

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<p>The door closing thing is common in Europe. Back in the kids’ younger years, we had au pairs from Austria and France. In the beginning, they’d always shut all the doors when they left a room. (especially the bathroom—closing the door is VERY typical). It drove me crazy…but I didn’t make a big deal about it. I agree with the knock before you enter suggestion, but they should be OK with going into the kitchen or the room with the TV. Once they are over the jet-lag and the language comes more naturally, I’m sure they’ll be fine.</p>

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<p>I am glad to know the door closing is common; I think the girls believe the doors were closed to keep them out! If I hear from my daughter during the next week I will be sure to tell her.</p>

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<p>Snowball, I went on several study abroad programs. With every “type” of family comes positives and negatives. Someone gets a big family but they are strict and they have to be in early. Someone is bored with an old person but gets better food. Yes, the grass is greener.</p>

<p>As I learned as I moved about the world, my job was to fit in there, not to change things. To this women it is how she earns her money caring for students. Most of the time they even do laundry! There is no shame and it’s not her custom to share meals.</p>

<p>Maybe the girls’ language skills are being stretched now? Suggest they relax, ask questions and learn the customs from those at school.</p>

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<p>Also, I think many Americans think they should liberate their foreign hostesses! They like their ways.</p>

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<p>Yes, the woman will be doing their laundry! I find it funny that these girls would prefer to do their own laundry; my daughter never seem to mind when I did hers. </p>

<p>I did hear of a student that was locked out of her host home because she came home too late. </p>

<p>I am sure the girls will be just fine, but getting my daughter to relax is another story! She wants everything to be perfect from day one.</p>

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<p>Oh, Snowball, I’ve been thinking about your D, because I remembered your question about a hostess gift and thought she must have arrived in Spain by now. My D and I just came back an hour ago from a long weekend in Madrid (we live in Germany and my D is leaving at the end of the week to go back to school in the states). It was mostly a shopping trip for my D, but we had a great time.</p>

<p>Closed doors are VERY typical–even though many homes have central heating now, they didn’t used to, and I think that’s how the custom developed (and it is cold there now). </p>

<p>I agree with other posters who say to give it a few days and then just ask. The girls should just say there are some things they are not sure of and would the host mother please explain the customs of the house.</p>

<p>How long will your daughter be in Madrid? I’m going back for a few days the first week of April if she needs anything.</p>

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<p>Renee, What a kind offer, but I think she will be good! My daughter will be there until the middle of May. We as a family will meet her in Madrid and travel for a week or two. </p>

<p>For a hostess gift, my daughter ended up taking a coffee table book of our city and a tin of specialty cookies from our area. She said she thought her host mom liked them. </p>

<p>I just got a call from my daughter, so I told her what many of you said. I know this is more of a cultural issue and the girls just need to give it time. I do think that this woman might just be a bit more private that most. My daughter said the woman had a female guest come to the home the other night and never introduced the girls to the guest. The doorbell rang while the girls were eating dinner, so the woman left the kitchen to answer the door. When she left the room she closed the door to the kitchen, took her friend to the den, and then came back to the girls. After dinner the girls went back to their room and could hear the woman talking in the den, but never saw the guest. </p>

<p>The other complaint is the bed is so hard that she is having trouble sleeping. Again, I am sure she will get use to this. Between jetlag and getting use to a new country, my daughter has a lot going on.</p>

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<p>Snowball, the women your DD is living with will most probably not function as American families do. She has shown every sign she see’s this as a job as opposed to a social opportunity. She probably would view it as inappropriate to disturb you DD with her friends.</p>

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<p>I didn’t mean to sound like all my daughter does is complain, but she can be that way when she is upset or stressed! She did say the woman is an amazing cook and the girls are hoping once they are all more comfortable with each other that the woman will allow them to help her in the kitchen. I know my daughter would love to come home with some new menu ideas!</p>

<p>ceebrown, interesting thought. I said to my daughter that this woman may be more like a housekeeper than a mother to them, but they are still hoping they get a more motherly feel from her once they return from their orientation.</p>

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<p>Snowball, maybe it’s best to help her understand it’s unlikely her hostess will become warm, fuzzy and mothering and that she should seek other things from the relationship and experience. Go with the flow at first and let her hostess lead. When they all grow comfortable DD will get cooking lessons and they will all enjoy what each brings. Remind her she went to learn their ways.</p>

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<p>Snowball, when my D was in Spain for her summer semester, she found that the senoras of the students in her program really ran the gamut from motherly types who wanted to know everything ‘their’ kids were doing every minute of the day to the type which your D’s senora seems to be, where they truly look at it as a business and do it to supplement their income/pay their bills, etc. My D’s senora was somewhere in the middle, which she was quite happy with, all in all. Hers would chat with them occasionally while they ate, but she truly had her own separate life and treated the two girls in her home as adults, whose laundry she did and whose meals she cooked. This seems to be more common in Spain than in other countries, from the experiences we’ve heard about. In the end, the kids in my D’s program who had the more ‘removed’ senoras ended up enjoying themselves more than the ones who had the motherly types who wanted to keep track of everything they did. I’m sure it will all work out well!</p>

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<p>I just spoke to my daughter for a few minutes before she headed out to dinner. The group is on their orientation trip and currently they are in Nerja. She sounds great and said she has had the largest meals in her life on this trip!! Her biggest disappointment-she is a Diet Coke drinker and it seems Spain has Diet Coke Plus, which to her is way too sweet tasting. She doesn’t like it at all, so she is not drinking soft drink; not a bad think actually!</p>

<p>As far as homestay mothers, it sounds like her mother is different from most of the others. While she knows things will get better when they return from the trip, both girls have figured out that their mother is who she is. Once they are busy with classes and their own activities, they don’t think they will really care so much that she isn’t motherly. I am hoping the girls have just misread the woman and maybe she was just trying to give the girls some space at the beginning. If not, they will respect her wishes and be perfect borders in her home.</p>

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<p>Exactly the right attitude!</p>