<p>Ok
I am writing up a homework contract for my D
just nagging isn’t doing it anymore
And I hope that having something in writing will help her focus.
She is working very hard in school- but has problems like her teachers forget about her LDs and do things like have her take tests that aren’t printed, but they just read the questions aloud.
She doesn’t have enough time to answer, because it takes her longer to think, and it is also very painful for her to write longhand ( painful to read it too)
but she doesn’t tell me when they forget to have it printed for her, until I find out weeks later when she gets an F on the quiz.
I want her to at least tell me- so I can remind the teacher.
anyway- I am putting things in like minimum amount of time to spend per day working on school work.
using notecards for notes for easier study-
allowing me to check her assignment notebook ( this is also painful for her)
etc
anybody else have to resort to a contract?
did it help?</p>
<p>I’ve been in a similar situation with my S2, a junior. He’s heavily involved in some ECs (especially the school paper and the regional board of his youth group) and, even though our family is Reform Jewish, he studies at an Orthodox Jewish Kollel one or two nights a week (he loves it…and this is the kid who hated Hebrew school for five years!)</p>
<p>He came up with an idea that seems to be working for us.</p>
<p>Every Sunday morning, he gives me a printed-out copy of his schedule for the coming week. The schedule shows test/quizzes/papers/projects, time commitments for his ECs–Kollel, school paper, youth group meetings, board meetings and conference calls for his regional responsibilities (he is president of a large multi-state region with members of his board from 6 different cities), AND which blocks of time he has committed to studying which subjects. He also plans some down time for a couple of favorite tv shows, social life, etc.</p>
<p>He is the busiest kid I know and until recently I was always on him to do A when he was doing B!</p>
<p>This helps him see when he has too many commitments and not enough time so he can reprogram when necessary–for example, move his Tuesday night conference call to Wednesday if he has a big test coming on Wednesday–and he can do this on Sunday so other kids can make their plans accordingly.</p>
<p>It also motivates him to use his time efficiently because he is more conscious of all that is on his docket.</p>
<p>It helps me because I can discuss things with him a bit more rationally and I am not continually on him to study. As long as he seems to be sticking to his plan things seem to go better–we both know when things will get done, or at least hope they will get done. Also, by planning things in advance, if something takes longer than the allotted time frame, he is able to rejigger his plans if necessary–there’s been a little less crisis mode in our house. He has figured out that you don’t plan to do all of a large assignment only on the night before it is due!</p>
<p>My son has had issues with disorganization and missing assignments for many years. He is a gifted underachiever and many teachers have been highly frustrated by the gap between his abilities and his performance. The middle school years were the worst.</p>
<p>I did try to check his assignment book in middle school, but now some teachers just use a syllabus so he says there is no point in writing that into a separate book. He is now just responsible for doing all his assignments – zero tolerance from me for undone HW. He must do his HW before any computer, TV, socializing, etc. </p>
<p>He is now in 10th grade and finally is getting his act together better. Yes, we have a written contract. He must keep a daily log of his schoolwork status at home. It is just on a legal pad kept in the kitchen. He is supposed to update this daily - note whenever he is assigned a paper or a test, or gets something back. He must record all grades including all quiz grades. This is to “head off” the problem I had previously, of hearing from teachers things I had not learned from him – despite asking S daily how school went. </p>
<p>I told him this way there should be NO suprises - the eventual report card should just confirm what is in his daily log.</p>
<p>We (H and I ) have stressed that he is responsible for all assignments. If any are missing he needs to turn them in before having any privileges (computer, social plans, etc.). I can e-mail his teachers every few weeks to make sure he is current. </p>
<p>Basically, it seems to me that when he is responsible about his assignments, then the grades are OK. (not top, but B/B+ range, which I consider acceptable since he is in all honors classes). </p>
<p>He is not allowed to get his driver’s permit unless his grades are to a certain standard (85 & above) and he has had no missing assignments for that grading period. So far he has missed that standard by one class each marking period, but he participated in the drafting of the contract and has accepted it. He could have had his permit in August, and hopes to get it this spring. If he does not, it is totally his natural consequence. </p>
<p>He has gone from having a couple of missing assignments each in two classes the first marking period, to being off in one grade the second marking period (because he was – appropriately – grade penalized for a late assignment) to apparently being current now, but with one grade curently “at risk”. </p>
<p>This takes a lot of helicpter parenting from me, and I am not happy about it, but I am hoping that if he masters the system this year, he can self-pilot next year. My goal is that he be self-sufficently responsible before senior year and college. </p>
<p>He is, at least, a very easygoing kid, so fortunately we are not battling over this. I put up with the frustration of getting involved, and he puts up with the frustration of getting nagged. We both hope to move on to better times.
We both have seen progress. </p>
<p>When there is a major issue (word from a teacher about a missing assignment, a note about a low grade, etc.) I ask him to write a mini-essay on what happened and why, and how he intends to learn from it. I have a collection of these I can pull out to refresh his memory/motivation. ;)</p>
<p>Please let us know how it goes. I empathize.</p>
<p>A contract has two parties. What are YOU agreeing to do in return? (that was not meant rhetorically.)</p>
<p>I made a “reasonable expectations” list for my son. Basically it outlined what I expected him to do nutritionally and health wise (eat at least 3 fruit and veggies, only one soda a day, vitamin tablet, floss teeth…), curfew (in bed by 11 weekdays, midnight weekends), computer games (max 2 hours weekday, 4 hours weekends, do most of homework before gaming, have to read a book a month to exercise the brain, too), language (no swearing in parental earshot), cell phone (have it on when you are out so parents can reach you if needed.) He signed and is fine with them. He probably doesn’t follow them 100% ( 
computer games usage probably runs over on weekends, I’m not sure that he flosses!), and we aren’t the big bad enforcers - we’re all on the same team. What do I agree to do in return for him meeting these expectations??? I’m Momma; I agree to feed, clothe, love, nag, reprimand, praise, and guide this big, tall, lovable galoot into adulthood.</p>
<p>Mini–</p>
<p>You raised a good point. My part of the deal? I don’t nag. And I pay for all his weekends at the various youth group activites and conventions, and his travel to all of the chapters in his region. The deal is he doesn’t go on all these weekends unless he keeps up with this schoolwork first and foremost. Last weekend we hosted a meeting of the chapter presidents from around the region at our house–yes, we had 9 sleepover guests-- and it was actually his idea to make sure everyone brought their book bags and he scheduled some homework time in for Saturday afternoon. It was the first time that had ever been done, and intrestingly, all of the boys seemed almost grateful!</p>
<p>Actually, my son sees our deal as a contract with himself so that he can do his best in all his endeavors, because all–including grades --are important to him.</p>
<p>Something he discovered after coming up with a more formal time schedule is that he was shortchanging himself by always being available to others on their time schedules. For example, my son would go to track practice from 3:30-5:00, shower, check in and work on the school paper from 5:30-6:30, come home and have a quick dinner. he’d sit down at 7 pm to start a paper for his AP gov’t class, and at 7:10 the chapter president from Louisville would call to discuss an upcoming matter; they’d talk until 7:25 and decide to have a discussion with all chapter presidents on that issue in the region the next evening. My son would then send an email to all the chapter presidents to set it up–and as long as he was on email, he’d check his email, and do some IMing, and get back to his paper at 7:45, leave at 8:00 for Kollel, back home at 9:30. Back to his paper for ten or fifteen minutes, and then to the phone or the IM that woul pop up on his computer screen and the scenario would repeat itself. And yet he would insist that he had been at his homework for a couple of hours, just not having accomplished anything!</p>
<p>What he’s done is basically remove himself from the distractions of the phone and computer during study times that he has chosen for himself. Interestingly he found that after he informed his cronies of his new no-interruption policy during certain hours (just leave a message and he’ll talk to you at a certain time)he found that a lot of other students had similar policies in their homes–he had just been too easily available to other students at times that were good for them but maybe not equally good for him.</p>
<p>I’m hoping that his new self discipline and time management techniques will continue when he goes off to college!</p>
<p>He’s found that the whole regional board works better by having set times to discuss matters and that some of the inane matters that he was getting impromptu phone calls on just go away when he is not constantly available.</p>
<p>The way he is working things now is that he does his phone calls, etc for his youth group from about 10:30-11:00. or 11:30, sends emails, etc. studies a bit more, and tries to be in bed by midnight. Up at 6:30 and likes to do his Latin homework in the morning–he says he remembers vocabulary better that way. </p>
<p>He also spends big chunks of his weekend time when he is not travelling working ahead as much as possible, instead of in front of the tv or on computer games. Until he sat down with a day planner he had no idea of how much time he’d been frittering away, basically wasting his weekends until Sunday night.</p>
<p>we never had any type of contract or anything like that. my little sister’s school does have a parent portal which is online and lists all of their assignments and my mom does keep an eye on that and remind my sister that she has a project due, or sometimes she’ll ask her if she remembered to do an assignment in something. she really only looks at it for the classes my sister doesn’t do well in (mainly, chemistry or whatever science she has at the time). but she’s not grounded or slapped on the wrist if she doesn’t do something. </p>
<p>it’s her life and she can do as she wants with it. we don’t have bed times or times to be home by (except a junior license in PA is only good till 11 so if she drives she must be home by 11) or hour limitations on things or homework checks. if she chooses to do the wrong thing (not doing the assignments, not studying for tests, staying up all night) then she just has to put up with the nagging from my parents afterwords… which is enough of a reason for her not to do the wrong thing. :)</p>
<p>she’s currently researching colleges and at the moment wants to be a sociology major… although maybe that will change after we actually visit the schools… haha</p>
<p>A contract has two parties. What are YOU agreeing to do in return? (that was not meant rhetorically.)
What do you suggest?
I already am the chief chauffeur, cook and bottle washer.
I spend about 2-3hrs just driving her around everyday-she is eligible for yellow bus- but because she doesn’t have a 1st period and has instead a 7th period, it isn’t possible to take it.
I give her a back and leg rub every night once she gets in bed because she has trouble sleeping even though by that point I am exhausted and want to go to sleep myself.
I am thinking that she need a contract because while her school work comes first, because her EC occur after school ( and they start after school at 2:30 not 3:30 when she actually gets out of school), but because she needs tutoring as well to succeed, it is very difficult to get enough academic help, as well as continue to participate in her ECs which also need a time commitment.
Her chores are her homework. She gets home from track practice about 5:30- has something to eat, then has the rest of the evening to do homework- except when she has meets- or her fashion design class.
I only go to her meets when she wants me to, she often doesn’t want me to- but I have for example attended invitationals and stayed there all day.
( in contrast my mother doesn’t even remember I was in track- because I walked to and from school and she never went to any competitions)</p>
<p>What else do I do in return? I care about whether she is doing well at school or not enough to email or stop in and see the teachers when I see she is getting "f"s, I have been fighting for years to get her evaluated and appropriate help for her learning disabilties, and I attend district commitee meetings every week in an attempt to improve education for all students not just her.
I am practically a single parent because my husband unfortunately is not involved-believe me I didn’t want it this way- there are other things I would like to do with my life, but this isn’t a kid that you can let “sink or swim”, if someone was drowning you would throw them a rope- and losing her best friends that she has had since 5th gd, getting Fs, and writing letters to said friends that indicate that she has a “plan”, indicate to me that she will drown unless she gets more support.</p>
<p>I think some kids do better with external structure- and with my own issues I have difficulty imposing that . I am hoping that something written down, and posted so it can just be referred to, will be an aid to give some structure without the negative effect nagging about the same thing does</p>
<p>EK–</p>
<p>You are a great mom and I always enjoy your posts! Your daughter has a lot of struggles in her life and you want to make things better for her not worth, even though like most kids she doesn’t see it that way!</p>
<p>You are correct in what you said in your last paragraph, some kids do a lot better with external structure. That is probably what I was trying to say. Help you daughter come up with a plan, but make sure that she feels a degree of ownership in it. </p>
<p>My youngest son (9th grade) is dsylexic and school is sometimes not easy for him although he is very, very bright. When things didn’t go well for him he would hide them to avoid getting in trouble. That also included homework assignments that he would copy down incorrrectly,or not understand how to do, or not understand the topic…lots of “nots”. He began having really bad stomach aches from all the stress of his difficulties.</p>
<p>HIs plan to stay out of trouble–He is responsible for having the names and phone numbers of 3 students in each of his classes. They are in his dayplanner and in his cell phone and in MY cell phone, so he can always call to check on what the assignment is and how it is supposed to be done. Sticks don’t work with this kid because he is so stressed already, but carrots work wonders–</p>
<p>He is much less stressed now that he has a plan for dealing with botched assignments. Just having a plan has helped him calm down. His grades have gone up because of no missed assignments and because he actually does what he is supposed to do–what a miracle. And when he bombs a Latin vocab quiz–he knew all the words but the spelling is always out to get him–I just chill .</p>
<p>-He is responsible for having the names and phone numbers of students in each of his classes. They are in his dayplanner and in his cell phone and in MY cell phone, so he can always call to check on what the assignment is and how it is supposed to be done. Sticks don’t work with this kid because he is so stressed already, but carrots work wonders–
Thats a great idea
I am also a beleive in carrots-
that is why I am trying to help her stay in track because it helps her stay connected to her friends, and I think exercise helps with stress.
Today for example she is out trying the Luge, with the Olympic team, even though she is very concerned about taking the blankety blank WASL this week.
I just hope that she is not too tired to go to sleep when she comes home.
That reminds me have to figure out something for lunch. It sure would make life easier if schools would offer decent lunches- but the kind of things they have remind me of when Reagan declared ketchup a vegetable
Thanks for the support- i don’t think I am that great of a mom, but I am trying, and it helps to have postitive feedback- especially when often it seems like my friends just have “perfect” children!</p>
<p>Contracts are reasonable tools when responsible people are involved. I sometimes suggest to my students’ parents that they let the student make a list of classes along with grades they think are reasonable. (That brings out some interesting points of views.) The students are then encouraged to list what they need to do to accomplish their goals.</p>
<p>Iagree with EK that a contract has two parties so…
I suggest that parents come up with some simple consequences for weeks where the list is accomplished and when it is not. A positive consequence could be a favorite breakfast or an extra hour doing something they like…the negative consequence could be something as simple as cleaning the bathroom. Nothing too emotional…nothing too serious…just a nudge in the right direction…</p>