<p>Would someone be willing to look over it and give comments?</p>
<p>I’m willing 
that is, if you want my inconsequential comments</p>
<p>okie. emailing it to your yahoo.</p>
<p>will ya mail it to me?</p>
<p>I’m PM’ing it. Hey, I’m having trouble with the short one. Could I send that too?</p>
<p>I’ll post it here. This is for “meaningful activity”. It’s very tell-tell :(</p>
<hr>
<h2>“I hereby undertake this oath to uphold the dignity of my institution, and live up to the inherited traditions and expectations…” The new student council was sworn in at the beginning of each academic year. With the badge of Vice Head Boy on my lapel, I realized I had my work cut out. I loved being in the thick of things, organizing events and staying back after school, assigning duties, mooting proposals. I snatched opportunities to present before the management our case for better infrastructure. As my first year in the student council came to an end, I discovered a new position had been created for me. I believe it was a recognition of what I did best. As the Student Coordiantor, I have handled public relations for my school and felt unabashed pride whenever we got media attention. I have spent more than twelve years of my life at <name of=“” school=“”>, and I am grateful. Grateful and satisfied, in knowing that I have been able to offer leadership and a vision for the future.</name></h2>
<p>and is the first line too dramatic?</p>
<p>astrix–</p>
<p>Feel free to Private Message me with your common app essay. :)</p>
<p>you guys rock. i’m sending. what say about the one i posted here?</p>
<p>For your meaningful short answer:
–Do you really need an opener like that?
–I like the ending; it absolutely sounds sincere.
–"I loved being in the thick of things, organizing events and staying back after school, assigning duties, mooting proposals. I snatched opportunities to present before the management our case for better infrastructure. " -Can you give a specific example (be concrete) about “an opportunity to present before the management our case for better infrastructure”? like what? like a new swimming pool? -I always thought that being concrete was better than giving generalizations… but you can disagree. </p>
<p>Hope that helps. :)</p>
<p>Actually you can’t talk about a lot of things in a SHORT answer essay…</p>
<p>here, i revised it.</p>
<hr>
<h2>With the badge of Vice Head Boy on my lapel, I realized I had my work cut out. I loved being in the thick of things, organizing events and staying back after school, assigning duties, mooting proposals. The need for a new building had always been felt, and I feel I was succesful in bringing up the matter with the manegement. As my first year in the student council came to an end, I discovered a new position had been created for me. I believe it was a recognition of what I did best. As the Student Coordiantor, I have handled public relations for my school and felt unabashed pride whenever we got media attention. I have spent more than twelve years of my life at <name of=“” school=“”>, and I am grateful. Grateful and satisfied, in knowing that I have been able to offer leadership and a vision for the future.</name></h2>
<p>my rec mentions the infrastructure stuff, so it should fall into place</p>
<p>
Two suggesions:</p>
<ol>
<li>cross the “I feel”… just say I was successful</li>
<li>Add “For instance,” at the beginning of the sentence so the reader knows that that is not the only thing you did.</li>
</ol>
<p>Otherwise it’s great :)</p>
<p>A lot better :)</p>
<p>Lmell, you were great with your feedback in the PM! Thanks so much. Helped. I’ll send you a revised one so you can tell me if there’s anything else that catches your eye, that okay?</p>
<p>P.S. I can italicize because I’m sending paper</p>
<p>hey mercurysquad u seem very good at proofreading essays, I’m applying to Princeton also and need someone to comment honestly on my essay, can u do so if i PM you. Anyone else who offers help I’ll PM them too, thanks!</p>
<p>If it takes less than 15 mins, I’d be glad to do it Cuz I’m not at home right now.</p>
<p>yep, less than 15 min, just if u could give me some general impressions, or where it needs most improvement… i just sent it, thank you!</p>
<p>Hey check your PMs :)</p>
<p>how do you check for pms?</p>
<p><em>adds ‘try and be less lame’ to new year resolutions</em></p>
<p>Hey check your PMs jeje
thanks</p>