Hook 2nd opinion, please!

College Essays
1

<p>I was thinking about some hooks for the common application, and would like some second opinions please.

  1. My family fosters many kids for varying kids, there backgrounds and their stories hardened me, and I realised how awful the world can be. (Transitioning to adult hood)
  2. I lived in China for 2 years, I was not born there, it was for my dad’s work. It was really different. (A new environment)</p>

<p>New ideas would be awesome! I play violin and piano, swim, and study I guess. I life guarded, or know many languages & love to travel? I went to smart kid camps and felt like I fitted ‘in’? I don’t want it to be too cliche.
Did I mention I have been obsessing about college ever since I was very young because of all of my older sisters, so I feel and “intense burning”.
Thank you very very much, I really want to go to an ivy, and I know competition is so tough!
Any and all help is appreciated.</p>

2

<ol>
<li><p>many kids for varying kids? That doesn’t make sense. Do the kids have kids?
Not sure if you would be keeping that first phrase, but if you do, you need a semicolon after kids.
It’s their, not there backgrounds.</p></li>
<li><p>You could say “I had a really different experience in China. I was not born there but went for my dad’s work.”</p></li>
</ol>