If I don’t feel well I give people a heads up. For example, I have had a cold which has lasted a few weeks (I am getting better). We had dinner plans with friends last Friday and I checked with them a few days ahead and let them know (I also let them know I had been tested for Covid, Flu and RSV at my doctors office and all were negative). They had the option of cancelling/rescheduling. I just think these days it’s common courtesy.
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Twenty years ago, my precious 75 year old vibrant grandmother survived primary liver cancer and was living in remission. She was not a drinker or a smoker, so both the disease and her surviving a surgery and chemo was a rare thing. Predictably, even months after chemo, her immune system was shot. She knew that and really only left the house to go to the doctor.
The rest of the family was incredibly careful but, of course, no one had the option of isolating. No one who had any hint of symptoms of anything visited them, but one of us brought her a cold, which turned into pneumonia (I realize that means one of us probably actually brought her pneumonia to begin with).
She passed away from sepsis not long after. I understand that she was probably living on borrowed time, but at the time of her death, all her tests indicated she was still cancer free.
Your mild cold (or any other contagious condition) can kill someone- even indirectly. Please stay home when you are sick.
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Bingo. I have been sick since the last week of December. I will excuse the little germ- ridden grandkids that so kindly shared their runny noses with me as we were all in a medium sized condo on vacation together. But I was sick for a solid month. I do wonder if I might have had pneumonia given the constant yukky green crud that I was coughing and hacking up (sorry tmi) and yes I have had my pneumonia and flu vaccines. DH and I also texted for covid during that time we were both negative. I now need the rsv vaccine if I can ever get well. So I finally started to feel better this past weekend, but my husband started to get a sore throat , so tested again Saturday. He was negative. I started to feel lousy on Monday and bingo, we both tested positive for covid! If I was headed to be a guest and was sick, I would stay at a hotel. And if I was scheduled to host houseguests but got sick, I would offer to put them up in a hotel. As lousy as I have felt for the past almost 6 weeks, I wouldn’t want the hassle of having to entertain ( we did entertain this past Sunday and have told them they were now exposed and we feel terrible about it.) A houseguest arriving sick is rude.
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Sounds like you have a plan now and that’s great. I think it’s good that you aren’t giving up a decades long friendship but now you know what to do in the future.
I suspected that the friends weren’t as worried about being sick and probably didn’t think anything about showing up sick.
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I think they showed up because they didn’t want to miss out on their pre-planned fun trip, never mind they would make others very sick. They probably didn’t want to spend money to stay at a hotel.
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You bring up a good point. Even though most of us think of this as a “duh” moment - how could they do this?!! - if they are long time friends or family this might have just been a random poor decision made or caught them off guard or very circumstantial… while it was an awkward situation and they should be sending you and your H chicken noodle soup to help you feel better, it’s probably not worth ending a relationship.
Here’s hoping they somehow now realize what they did was not nice!
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I’ve been thinking about this situation. Maybe they left home (or wherever) feeling perfectly fine and started not to feel well, progressively worse as they drove. Then again, I am very much a glass-half-full person, and I’ve tried to absorb experiences that are more three-dimensional than they first appear to be. OP, I’m glad responses here were helpful and gratifying.
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I agree that its possible that they didn’t start to feel sick until into their travels. But that said, they arrived sick. Don’t know if they drove or flew, but once the arrived in your community feeling badly, they should have notified you and discussed options. Perhaps you would have told them to come on and stay with you anyway, but at least it would have been discussed, you would have known and not been put in an awkward situation. Its not worth ending a longtime friendship over, but it was very bad judgment on their part.
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I’m sorry you’ve been so sick. My son-in-law has also been sick since mid-December. One respiratory infection that went into pneumonia, and then just as he seemed to be getting better, bam! a covid infection. And this morning I heard he appears to have a rebound. We’re all glad he got Paxlovid since he had just finished his pneumonia meds, but so wishing he could just stay well!
I do think Covid changed our thinking about what is too sick to be out and about in public. What is too sick to travel? I used to travel a lot for work and I was sick all the time, but I never thought twice about going to meetings and visiting with people. I just bought a lot of sudafed in states where it was still over the counter.
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Pre-covid I had a meeting in the office with 3 others. One guy came in obviously sick - coughing, stuffy nose, red eyes. The two managers in the room were immediately “What the heck are you doing in the office??? I don’t want your germs! Meeting’s over go home!”
Although they actually used much stronger language that I can’t post here. The meeting lasted about 2 minutes - just long enough for both managers to fully unload on the sick employee and get the heck out of the room.
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As a follow-up (and I have shared this story previously, so apologies to those who have “heard” it) a year ago we were scheduled to host friends (I will call them friends 1) for a few days who had just returned from living overseas, and then were scheduled to leave immediately after for a ski trip with other friends (friends2). The ski trip friends (friends 2) were super covid phobic and neither had had it. So they asked us to take covid tests and asked us to ask our houseguests (friends1) to test as well. So I sent both friends a photo of our negative covid tests. Friends 1 said they would have to see if they could find a covid test. I offered to let them test when they got here (and in retrospect that was a bad idea). Fortunately friend1 said she found one test (her H did not test) but she sent a photo of what she thought was a negative test. It wasn’t. It was POSITIVE. If they had waited to test until they were standing in my kitchen that would have been super awkward. Well, obviously they changed their travel plans and did not come through our city and stay with us. And we dodged that bullet. It could have been really problematic.
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Thanks. Hope your SIL is finally better. I am thinking I might have had walking pneumonia but who knows now. Also, my older s tends to get sick easily so before we met up with them for the ski trip, I bought a box of sudafed and gave him the box (keeping 2 for myself). Big mistake. I wish I’d kept the box!! I did get afrin which I have used sparingly but I have gone through boxes and boxes of tissues. I am so ready to be over this.
The guests knew they were sick and should have just stayed at a hotel. A sniffle is clearly a lot different from what the OP’s friends had. I wouldn’t have a problem with a friend staying if they had a mild cold, but clearly the visitors were sicker than that (not covid, if I read correctly). That said, I wouldn’t disown them as friends. People tend to think “it’s just a cold, it isn’t going to be that bad.” We deceive ourselves sometimes.
Last year, freshly vaxxed up, hubby and I visited D overseas. We landed and called her and she said she had a cold. I wasn’t not going to see her. She did a covid test which was negative. I stayed with her for a couple of days while hubby went on a short work trip. We tried to not share too many germs, but I did get her cold (tested, not covid). Hubby didn’t. I probably spent 4 days with her, while hubby only saw her for two days. We were overseas for about a week and flew home double masked (which I always do now, cold or not.) I did still have a cold. Should I have not flown home because of it? Hard to say. My ears and sinuses were clear, so I flew home.
My friend went to France to visit elderly friends. Got to the hotel and a couple of days later was sick with covid. She didn’t see the friends. She was very upset about it because they even said it was okay and they could just be outside. But it was winter and she just couldn’t live with the thought of making them sick.
It’s hard to reconcile a strong desire to do something with the reality of the consequences afterwards. Throw in long distance travel to see loved ones, plane tickets, hotels, etc…and people will take what they think is a calculated risk. I get it. It doesn’t mean we should do it, of course. Would I fly or visit friends if I had covid, was hacking and sneezing, and had a fever? No. Would I fly or visit friends if I was getting over covid or a cold, wasn’t coughing anymore, didn’t have a fever, and was masked? I might fly, and would definitely tell the friends I was getting over covid or a cold. Then I’d let them make the choice. However, if the friend or family member was compromised or elderly, I wouldn’t visit until I was testing negative.
Sorry for digressing. Covid is now part of our reality so I feel at this point, we all have to be responsible, but also keep living life.
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Ages ago, I had accepted an invitation to visit a out of town friend for a birthday celebration. We had tickets to a show, dinner with other friends, and then I was to stay at her home in a guest room. When I arrived for the event (recently), she was stuffy and coughing. Okay, not covid, and as we know, the symptoms of many colds linger. But definitely unwell.
I admit that I worried a bit about getting ill, but we were so far down this road in terms of commitment to our plans that it didn’t cross my mind to turn around when I arrived. I suspect that she wouldn’t have dreamt of canceling on me either. But I thought of this when I read this post, both relating to the sinking feeling of being confronted with extended time in close quarters with someone who isn’t well AND thinking about how some plans feel “committed” and we just go forward with them.
I’m sorry you got sick, OP. Really hoping your friendship isn’t too damaged and that you feel like you have a plan for the next time that works for all.
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When S visits with our granddaughter she usually has a runny nose, cough or the like. Such is the life of a toddler in daycare. Doesn’t matter, we want to spend time with them. H always gets sick after. Me, not so much – but did last visit. We would never say don’t come or stay in a hotel.
We live in a touristy area and do tend to get a lot of visitors since we have and empty nest house with extra room. If Cousin Bob showed up ill, we’d have a talk about options.
I think it really depends on “degree of closeness,” however those involved define it, susceptibility of those involved (how likely are they to end up very ill from exposure), how involved are the plans, etc.
To me, the considerate thing as a guest is to let the hosts know you’re ill and discuss options rather than showing up obviously very ill on doorstep with no advance notice.
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Because of this thread, I’ve reminded my siblings I have a lung infection that I don’t believe is contagious but am willing to be remote if people prefer when we have meeting on Sunday.
I always have long bouts of infections that persist when others never catch them. I’m on 2nd round of antibiotics and finishing up prednisone taper. I try very hard to be careful but it’s hard when your spouse is ill and keeps coughing everywhere!
As far as we know, we didn’t get anyone else in tour sick and wore masks except while eating and outdoors. We have been in communication with the folks we ate most meals with and they’re back to work and yoga and everything.
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Those who lack empathy – and, often, logic – enjoy down-playing, or completely disregarding, others’ legitimate concerns.
“Oh, he’s just oversensitive. Go ahead and take a sip of his drink. I won’t say anything.”
“Who cares if I barf in the sink? Someone will clean it up.”
“I can camp here in the left lane doing 65, right next to the car in the right lane doing 65. The mounting line of cars behind me would only save a few seconds by going faster.” (waaaaaaaaay underestimating the difference between 75 and 65 on a 100-mile trip)
Or the ubiquitous “Walk it off” heard in sports at every level.
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We were just invited to dine with friends on Feb. 9. We have had the darndest time getting our calendars coordinated. I was sure to let her know that we tested positive for covid on Jan 29, but should hopefully be OK by then, and I asked her her comfort level. She replied that she was sure by then it will be fine and thanked me for asking. Thats what considerate people do. 
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CDC says you’re supposed to isolate for five days and then mask for five days. Can you mask at the dinner party?
" Regardless of when you end isolation
Until at least day 11:
- Avoid being around people who are more likely to get very sick from COVID-19.
- Remember to wear a high-quality mask when indoors around others at home and in public.
- Do not go places where you are unable to wear a mask until you are able to discontinue masking (see below)."
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