How Am I Going to Get through life Thinking this way?

Parent Cafe
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<p>How Am I Going to Get through life Thinking this way?</p>

<p>Over the years I’ve gotton a lot of advice from you guys, from northstarmom to OregonUdad and many others I can’t pull off the top of my head rite now (thanks so much!) . So here goes:</p>

<p>I am in my senior year of college, and a law school hopeful. I think I have everything it takes—except I simply cannot figure out human relationships. I mean, everybody I know is good at interacting in such a way in order to get what they want. Basically, in college (and job/life) this translates to manipulation. </p>

<p>I’ve gotten to the point where I simply can not understand why somebody will feel bad for a person who’s in a car crash, but then the same person is able to successfully read people and interact to them in such a way as to get what they want. You act fake and manipulate somebody to get what you want, and yet you still have “sympathy” for a stranger? Yeah, rite. Basically, they are using their excellent “social skills” to manipulate people. I just hate to engage in it, it feels so fake. For example, I had a professor a semester ago who had the *****iest personality ever. She was self-absorbed, extremely fake (hand gestures, smiles, laughs, the whole package), and loved to attack you openly in class. The only people who succeeded in getting the info out of her to obtain high grades were the people who could read her successfully, then put on a certain image and personality in order to make her feel good. For example, this lady that sold real estate for a living knew how to manipulate her just the right way that the prof didn’t even realize it. </p>

<p>It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to have any friends. Human beings are just so innately evil that I don’t see the point in entertaining relationships. I really think we are getting much worse; the way I see it, the most selfish and manipulative people are the ones with the best reproductive advantages and as a result have more kids. So the world will get worse and worse. In fact, we wouldn’t have religion and law to control people if people weren’t inherently evil. </p>

<p>I simply do not know how to suck up to people and play the game. I genuinely hate acting fake to people. Without this ability, I fear that I might lose out on everything I need to succeed. I have the brains, the drive, the ability. Especially in a subjective field such as law, it’s not about what you know, it’s about who you know and how to carefully interact with them.</p>

<p>The main reason why I’m posting here is b/c I need to talk to somebody about this. I can’t talk to my grandmother about this due to our language barrier and that is the only parent I have. I tried talking to my college psychologist, and she looked at me the whole time, judging me and I left with a huge pit in my stomach. </p>

<p>Maybe I’m just a weak person. Every little thing that happens (i.e., a coworker flakes on me) I get depressed because it’s just confirmation of how people are. I’m hard on the outside and weak on the inside and most of the time I feel horrible.</p>

<p>I don’t know how I’m gonna get through life. I have no real family or siblings, and all I have to depend upon in this world are friends, which will never be there for you because they don’t have the same obligations that family has. After my grandmother dies, I will have nobody in this world except for cousins I’ve never met abroad in a third world country who don’t even know I exist. This is pretty much the only reason I need to work hard at my career; if I ever need help, I can always use my salary to buy services. I won’t have a relative to lend me a helping hand, or a friend to help me with something. It’s the hard way to go about things but I have no choice. Everybody comes into the world with a support of family and I’m just alone in this world. I hate people who complain about their family. They take all the support they get for granted because they know somebody will always be there for them. But what about those without one? My only option is to marry, but I am not that attractive and let’s face it, that’s the most important thing (among others) (unless you get lucky). </p>

<p>Everybody says that to have friends, you need to be a friend by being kind, supportive, and caring. That’s a load of Bull!! People look for friends based on how well they are entertained by them, the relationship of actually being a real friend only happens if they are entertained. In addition, good looking people get viewed as nicer and friendlier, and are given more options, even if they are a ball of dirt inside. Please don’t tell me that sooner or later people will realize how they are on the inside—most people don’t get close enough to them to realize most of the time and the whole while the manipulater is benefiting from all the connections they are making. </p>

<p>I’m not asking for sympathy or pyschoanalysis of why I think that way (those don’t really help!), but for advice. What should I do and how can I learn to better interact (manipulate) people??? </p>

<p>Thanks so much for your time and sorry for such a loooong post : )
Camile</p>

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<p>Rather than pick apart what you wrote, I’d recommend you take a Dale Carnegie course…seriously. You can start by reading his book: [How</a> to Win Friends & Influence People](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250332328&sr=8-1]How”>http://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250332328&sr=8-1)</p>

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<p>Dale Carnegie’s book is a bad idea for the OP. It will come across to her as phony with all its talk about using people’s names and smiling even if that is not what Carnegie intended.</p>

<p>OP, there are people out there who are authentically kind and not excessively manipulative, but I tend to agree with you that there are fewer of them these days than there used to be. My theory is that the competitiveness of our society and recently, the bad economy, have made people less friendly. I suspect you are looking for friends in the wrong places, though. Try joining clubs or interest groups where the focus is on cooperative, rather than competitive, activities. Try volunteer work. </p>

<p>Your tone is so discouraged that I think the right therapist could help you, too, to feel more positive and get the social and career support that you need without learning to be “manipulative.”</p>

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<p>Camile –</p>

<p>I don’t think you are a weak person at all, I think you’ve done very well for yourself considering the lack of moral support you’ve gotten so far.</p>

<p>You have a sort of double-edged problem in that you are both an independent thinker and very sensitive. So you see clearly the phoniness, ulterior motives and disappointing behavior of people around you and that upsets you. So it becomes not the problem of those who are “innately evil”, but your problem. They are entirely fine with their behavior, and I’m sure it is mystifying to them that you would be disgusted with it.</p>

<p>In short, your sense of fairness, justice, your intelligence, and capacity for “thinking outside” will make you an excellent lawyer, or a wonderful judge. But you need to understand that you will encounter evil behavior all day long, not just in the people on trial, but in your colleagues and the sycophants who consider themselves your “friends”.</p>

<p>I am all about finding help in unusual places, and for you I think a regimen of ‘bibliotherapy’ might help. Immerse yourself in autobiographies and biographies of people who are like you – independent idealists who butted their heads against the prevailing wisdom, people like Winston Churchill, Thurgood Marshall, Darwin, Sophie Scholl, Gandhi, etc. Reread/rewatch “Inherit the Wind”, “To Kill a Mockingbird”. Be inspired by Sotomayor, Ginsburg, Sandra Day O’Connor.</p>

<p>Focus only on the learning and the people who inspire you. There is a lot of superfluous noise in life, from TV, the Internet, iPhone, and people around you. Try to find a way to retain your focus and concentrate, and shut out or ignore the unhelpful and unhealthy things. You might find that there are a lot of other people trying to do the same thing – in the quiet spots in the library, in small volunteer groups, in small efforts in schools, churches and community organizations. These folks will find you attractive no matter what you say – your idealism and intelligence will win the day. </p>

<p>Just don’t allow yourself to drown in all the people and activities that don’t deserve your feelings and attention.</p>

<p>Big hugs and good luck.</p>

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<p>anudduhmom, A very beautiful and wonderful post.</p>

<p>OP,What you are experiencing, is what a lot of young people who finally “Get It” experience and that is a personal revelation/renasaisance and a step up into adulthood. Its a clarity that happens as you move down the road to true physical and emotional independence. It actually is a good thing. It sets the stage for your adult life and how you will see the world and how you are going to respond to it.</p>

<p>Too bad not everyone taps into it. But you are not alone, there are others who feel as you do and you will definitely meet them on your path. Just be patient and follow your passion.
I totally understand what you are saying. I am 50 years old and have felt the same way you have my entire life, especially when I was a young adult. Seeing people for who they really are and being the observant type is very eye opening and can be very disappointing. We want to believe in the best of people but it doesn’t always work out.
You seem to be very mature and and an independent thinker. </p>

<p>Continue and be true to your self. You will find people of your ilk, you will find your tribe.
These people will become your family. I grew up in a house with 3 kids and parents, now I only have a sister left. There are many things we have no control over.</p>

<p>As another poster mentioned, as a lawyer you will have invaluable skills when you are litigating or interacting with other people.
It is people like you who will be able to cut throught the BS and see things for what it really is. Sometimes the things we complain about become our biggest asset.
This country needs more people like you.<br>
Follow your passion and the rest will follow you.
Best of luck to you.</p>

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<p>I found college kind of awful for the exact reasons you describe. There was a lot of judging on superficialities which got tedious very quickly. but don’t despair–it get’s much better after college!</p>