<p>How are you other parents out there able to listen to your children’s woes, see them upset, watch them making what you would consider unwise decisions, worry about their health, stress about them doing well in school, and somehow remain able to anjoy your own life.</p>
<p>Here is my greatest challenge…how do I love my children, but remain able to live my own life, with joy, the best I can?</p>
<p>A friend once said “you are only as happy as your least happy child” and I am finding that this is how I feel so much of the time.</p>
<p>Any suggestions of what works for you is appreciated very much!!!</p>
<p>I have found I need to pay attention to the verbal and non-verbal cues with each child. They each are completely different and respond differently to stress in their life. Sometimes they just need to vent and I can’t help them. Other times, they need advice on how to approach the problem or possible solutions. </p>
<p>I always ask myself if I can help them “fix” the situation, or teach them how to fix it on their own. Usually, they will have to do it on their own. Maybe I can offer them advice or do some of the grunt work (ie, when we had some problems with financial aid this last year and it took numerous phone calls, emails and paperwork). </p>
<p>They are growing up and as such need us to help them learn to navigate the world on their own. It’s definitely not easy. If you do it right, you work your way right out of a job! </p>
<p>I believe this generation of kids will be more inter-connected with their families and seek advice/participation in the big decisions of their lives.</p>
<p>Well, I think that is probably the million dollar question, frankly.</p>
<p>Some days I do this better than other days. Try the book “co-dependent no more.”</p>
<p>We are such a fear-based culture these days, and we are forced to look at every single little detail as whether or not it is about “moving forward.” It is a law of physics, though, that there is only so much worry available in any relationship. If you take on all the worry, then they don’t have to. (This is all a lot easier said than done. btw.)</p>
<p>I think, as a generation of parents, we have been asked to do to much and to be overly involved in our kids lives in ways which do not lead to smoothly letting go, at all. It all starts with freud blaming the mother for everything, and this is just a cultural thing, these days, no matter how much evidence there is that shows these kids come into the world with all sorts of fixed personality traits, gifts and challenges. </p>
<p>It is the worst possible scenario for happiness when the focus of you life is trying to get someone ELSE to do things that are less important to them than they are to you. </p>
<p>I find a sense of humor is really the best antidote, when I can remember to use it.</p>
<p>Ignorance is bliss. This means it is a good thing our kids leave home- so we don’t know too much and therefore can’t worry about as many things. The parent-child separation occurs gradually when a child goes off to college. After they have had some semesters’ success in college you learn that their strategies must be working, even if you would cringe at some of them if you knew the details. For example- you don’t want to see a child’s dorm room or apartment if s/he is like mine (had to use his bathroom when I picked him up last week- if THAT is after cleaning- still so many clothes et al on the floor, plus the mega laundry that came home…).</p>
<p>You adjust to life without kid. Their visits home become interruptions in your routine. You still plan your vacations around their schedule and let them know when you are gone, but the umbilical cord has been cut. If you are a frequent corresponder with your child it may help to limit total phone calls, emails, texts, Skype, etc to once a week.</p>
<p>Think about this. You still have a relationship with your own parents. You are there for them and listen when they need it. Same goes for YOUR child. It takes time, and may take some effort on your part.</p>
<p>I agree with poetgrl. Sometimes, I think our generation of parents is off balance and too fear-based. </p>
<p>The only thing that has brought balance into my life is to have my children grow up and leave home! Even though I know there may be future suffering (unhappiness in relationships, illness, money worries, etc.), I have made peace with accepting that it is not something I can fix for them. I have come to believe that this attitude is KEY for my own peace of mind, as well as for their development as human beings.</p>
<p>When my D had problems her first couple years in school, it was killer for me. I managed not to let HER know how I felt … but I think it was harder for me than it was for her (because I had no control over anything). I was there to be the sounding board, and to offer advice ONLY when asked (and then only in moderation …). Yet I suffered quietly. At the same time, my mom was half a country away battling a very odd form of dementia. I had just returned to work after almost 20 years as a stay-at-home-mom. I had to balance the house, the son in high school (fortunately a good kid!), flying back & forth to help the parents, etc. Somehow, I survived. My hair is very gray under the dye, and my middle is larger than it ever has been in my life. My back hurts. But I survived.</p>
<p>My mom is now gone, my dad is quietly living his life, my son is in his first year of college, my daughter is extremely well adjusted & happy (!), I am still happily married, and I am still working (lucky, given the unemployment in my area). We pay for our kids’ college without borrowing. Life is pretty darn good.</p>
<p>Life is a series of ups & downs. I just take it a day at a time. I am quietly religious & do ask God for help A LOT. I deal with the bad & celebrate the good. I try to maintain my sense of humor, which really helps.</p>
<p>OP, I sympathize. It’s such a terrible, helpless feeling.</p>
<p>D had just a horrible freshman year; miserable every second of the day and freely sharing her misery with us. We allowed her to drag us into the pit right along with her. First semester, we were consumed with worry and fear. I felt like I never could take a deep breath. I had a knot in my stomach 24/7.</p>
<p>Second semester, DH and I just decided that we couldn’t take it any more. After a semester of trying, we realized that we could not fix her, and trying was really hurting us. For our own emotional survival, we had to back away a little. One thing that helped me was that I stopped responding to every message of woe. I’d delete texts without even reading them, or tell her no, I couldn’t skype tonight, stuff like that. Another thing that helped was that DH and I agreed to stop talking about her constantly, and forced ourselves to find other topics of conversation. I won’t say second semester was great, but it was a little better.</p>
<p>It can be so hard. The thing that is sometimes helpful to remember is that they tend to bring the Drama to Mama. When they hang up, they are often totally fine. Remember when it was hard to leave them at pre-school because they cried when we left? Then the teacher said that they were happy and fine in two minutes. I think that still may happen. They unload on us and then they feel better. Of course, that may not always happen, and that needs other strategies, but often that is the scenario. Also, they tend to still exaggerate. Things are TOTALLY AWFUL, when, in fact, they may just be experiencing a less cataclysmic glitch. Again, not always the case, but maybe try to get a perspective that things are less awful than she may be communicating. We can’t know their every mood or action any more. That is what has been so hard for me to accept and understand. Time will help.</p>
<p>I struggle with this one a lot. Sometimes, you just have to tell yourself that you’ve done everything you can for them, and they’re good kids, and even though we worry about the car accidents they could get into or the choices they may be unconsciously making for themselves, they are not “ours” – they are their own people, and after a certain point, there really isn’t much you can do to protect them or help them have a happy life. You’ve put in all the inputs (love, education, good values) and now, by and large, it’s up to them. When I try to detach, I feel better. Able to enjoy my own life. Yes, I still worry and yes, I still love them, but when it gets to the point where I am constantly worrying, I realize I’m just making myself miserable. I point out valid concerns (the roads are slippery so leave yourself extra time) but after a certain point, there’s nothing else you can do.</p>
<p>^^
So true! Coinciding with our decision to try to let go of D, my parents suddenly needed much more of my attention. I told D, only half-jokingly, “I can’t run your life any more. I need to run theirs.” She seemed to like that…</p>
<p>My mother often asks me why/how I am so involved in my children’s lives. Part of the answer is that I think it is different now than when I was in my 20’s. If I wanted advice from my parents…I couldn’t afford long distance calls and had to wait so long for a letter reply, that I was forced to figure out things on my own. Same thing for emotional upsets, couldn’t call (except in dire emergency) so by the time a letter reached them and was returned, it was all over usually.</p>
<p>justamom, I am caught in the middle between the generations and not enjoying it very much. Kids are having work/school/financial/etc issues and my mother is failing…can’t drive, periods of confusion, ambulation problems. So I am running to her house daily to set up meds, run errands, change linens, drive to appts. Life is emotionally and physically tiring.</p>
<p>I think perfectionism is my bugaboo. When I remind myself that no one has a perfect life, everyone makes mistakes, everyone misses wonderful opportunities I relax. When I agonize over the imperfections in my kids’ lives or my life I run into trouble.</p>
<p>BTW: Freud did not blame everything on the mother. Some over-simplifying pseudo-Freudians may have, but Freud definitely did not.</p>
<p>I really believe some day we will be able to measure emotional energy. Just as we can’t see gravity, yet we know it exists, I think at some point we will be able to measure the energy that someone can take from us - be it kids or parents. </p>
<p>I am a “giver” by nature. I don’t have a need to be overly involved, but I seem unable to resist any appeal for support. I also seem incapable of giving support in a way that doesn’t drain me. </p>
<p>I will continue to read this thread hoping someone with a similar personality can help me find my way.</p>
<p>Ditto here, and I really don’t think that was such a bad thing. When you figure out how to deal with challenges, this gives one a huge sense of accomplishment. I think maybe we rob our kids of this sometimes-it’s okay for them to be UNCOMFORTABLE and uncertain how to handle things. When they survive life’s little bumps, they learn valuable lessons that only experience can give them. We often say “I have more life experience than you, so you should listen to me.” But how did we get that life experience? By following our parents lead in all things, or by forging our own path and making numerous mistakes along the way?</p>
<p>^Very true. We were all left on our own to figure things out, and I think we’re all stronger for it. None of this constant contact via cell phone, etc. So maybe if we all stepped back a bit, they’d encounter some bumps and bruises but they’d also be better for it. Easier said than done…</p>
<p>My other thought is this: are we all women posting on this thread? Do men worry less? Do I feel that worrying “proves” I’m a good mom? Do I feel worrying somehow protects my children? When D is out late, I ask my husband to wait up for her. I tell him where she is, who she’s with, and when she’s supposed to be home. He is happily watching TV, or reading. He’s not worrying. I even ask him, when are you going to start worrying she’s not home? To him, worrying has no purpose. She’ll either come home on time, or she won’t, then he’ll call, and he’ll deal with it. His life as a parent may be easier.</p>
<p>The current generation isn’t going to figure things out on their own in any event. Their first instinct is to Google everything.</p>
<p>Given that they’re not going to ignore technology and actually do anything without outside input, I would rather that they sought opinions from some live human beings, including, perhaps, their parents, as well as from web sites.</p>
<p>I have two great kids and teach college kids. I think do figure things out on their own, as much as any other generation. However, I think the world has gotten increasingly difficult and complicated.</p>
<p>And I wish I’d had adults interested in my future. I would have known it was worth a year’s tuition money to get a PhD from Columbia instead of Stony Brook. I figured it out on my own, but I didn’t necessarily do the best job.</p>