Hello, first time poster but longtime lurker here. My daughter is a junior with her sights set very very high. She’s currently struggling with managing her many commitments. School, work, volunteering, dance, school clubs and now she’s adding another commitment- editor in chief of the school literary magazine. She insists she’s fine. We are 2 weeks into school and she’s not fine. She rarely gets enough sleep. If she’s not out of the house at a commitment, she’s studying. She’s snapping at me constantly and gets irritated with me if I act at all concerned that she’s stretching herself too thin. I have asked her to consider cutting her hours at work or quitting altogether. I’ve also asked her to put her volunteering on hold until she settles into a better routine for school work. I literally run the place she volunteers at but I’m trying not to helicopter and step in between by speaking to the volunteer coordinator.
How do you support your child without stifling?? How do you help them spread their wings without them being crushed under the weight?
Her dream is Yale. The destination is not worth the journey to get there IMO but I walk a fine line and don’t want to discourage her or make her feel I don’t believe in her.
I would say…don’t discuss this with her at all…let it be a dream.
When her first quarter grades come out, you need to review them with her. If they are not her usual performance, she will need to compromise someplace, in my opinion.
Until then…make sure she has good food to eat, and not too many other obligations at home.
Is this typical of her (over-committed, maybe some perfectionist tendencies?) or is this new? If it’s new, I’m with Thumper- ignore the subject of college for now and see where it goes. If this is a pattern with her, I’d be more interventionist.
Does she have a good relationship with her guidance counselor? Sometimes hearing “you need to cut back” lands better when it’s not from a parent…
I think you support her by telling her that her health is Job 1 for a parent. So she gets to roll her eyes at you, but she isn’t allowed to snap when you remind her that sleep, healthy meals, etc. are non-negotiable. And that you trust her to figure out how she’s going to manage the things she’s involved in but that you’ll support her decisions.
Are these clubs things that she really cares about, or are they leftover commitments from sophomore year? If so- that seems to be an easy decision- dump the things she no longer cares about!!!
Do you get the sense that she participating in so many activities because she sees a overcrowded schedule as something necessary (or important) for admission to Yale (or other highly rejective institutions) or because she actually enjoys all of her commitments? If the former, it might be good to encourage a check-in with her guidance or college counselor.
I think you get a say as a parent who supports your child financially and morally. I would say gently, “Never getting enough sleep is very unhealthy. You are stretching yourself too thin so you have to manage your time in a better way. You can choose what you want to cut back on, but not enough sleep and biting our heads off can’t continue. So please decide by next week. If you are unable to make a decision, we can talk through it with you.”
IMO, college shouldn’t even be in the equation for this conversation. If she brings it up, you can say “Your chances at any college will be negatively affected by not sleeping enough.”
You don’t have to take no for an answer. She lives in your home and is a minor. She seems to have plenty of independence, but seems to be unable to manage her time appropriately. Time to step in.
I had to have a similar conversation with my D her junior year. She was stretched way too thin and there weren’t enough hours in the day. We told her that getting enough sleep was non negotiable. She ended up focusing on fewer ECs and shifting her volunteering to be in school to cut down on commuting time. IMO, doing fewer ECs but with more depth, helped in the end rather than hurting her.
I will guess that the idea of college admissions is driving her a little bit. Some people, not just students, see all these opportunities and want to take advantage of them. This problem will only get worse when she sees what is available in college. So, she needs to learn to manage herself now before it really gets out of control.
Point out to her that ECs for college admission are a game of quality over quantity. Taking an active role and accomplishing something is viewed much better than just being a “joiner” and not participating as much as she should.
Taking the time to study and get the best grades she can is also important for college applications as well as feeling good about yourself.
My observation is a little dated, but may still be helpful. When ShawSon was in HS, there were a group of girls he called the OCD girls. They showed up early every morning to go over their homework with the teacher to make sure they corrected any errors before handing the assignment in. They participated in many activities. Played on teams. Every hair was carefully in place at 6:30 AM. Overly conscientious. He thought the OCD girls thought they needed to be perfect at everything.
I don’t know if this fits your daughter, @L_Abbott, but if it does, it may be worth saying that no one knows exactly what elite schools are looking for, but it seems pretty clear as @HPuck35 says, that it is better to do one thing exceptionally well than many things at a surface level. That was guidance I gave to my kids and things worked out well. ShawSon followed my advice and ended up getting into and attending elite schools. ShawD also concentrated her effort on a few activities that she loved, but explicitly chose not to apply to elite schools (she decided to apply only in Canada).
I think that is advice that will help her performance and her high school experience (as @momofboiler1 suggested).
Thank you all! She dropped theater. Wasn’t LOVING it and it’s such a huge time commitment. She was trying it this year thanks to peer pressure. All her friends are theater kids. It’s helped relieve a bit of the pressure.
For some clarification, she recently stopped dancing competitively (still dances but only recreationally) so she went from 20-30 hours a week at the studio and living and breathing dance to 4 hours a week. Her newfound freedom had her joining all the things she missed out on. Last year she started to dip her toes into the EC world and having a social life outside dance but was still like Bambi on shaky legs. She’d been at the studio every waking moment since she was 8 years old . And this year she dove in headfirst to all the things she considered doing last year. She’s always had her sights set incredibly high so that part isn’t new, just this freedom to try it all that’s a bit new.
Thank goodness she’s settling into a routine. Dropping theater helped tremendously and she’s a million times better managing her time this year vs last year.
I think we’ll get through it. I did have to learn how to back off. She will get all of her things done without me, asking her what to do and what needs to be done. I was only stressing her out apparently
I read your topic and it really impresses me that the child wants so much and has enough energy for many things. This is probably the reason for such excessive activity, because there is still no understanding of what real fatigue is, and it is difficult to set priorities. As you know, life teaches this perfectly, one’s own wisdom will come and there will be more correct assessments of one’s capabilities, and in accordance with them one will have to adjust one’s desires.
I am glad your daughter made some choices. As a parent of an old child, it is a hard tightrope, because we are still parents, but we also are realizing they are moving towards being adult and we don’t want to be seen as helicoptering in or hovering or interfering.
That said, as a parent where it involves health , emotional or otherwise, there has to be a point where we step in, albeit perhaps with some diplomacy. Lack of sleep and stress are endemic with high achieving kids but we also have to let them know that proper sleep is not negotiable.
It is one thing for a kid to be interested in a lot of things, it is another for them to be doing them because they think they need it for admissions (quite honestly, the idea of EC’s has been so distorted by many of these schools that I don’t recognize them any more). I would point out to her that doing things that give her pleasure will likely outshine EC’s that seem to be done as EC’s. A big one of course is pointing out that there is only certain time in the day to do things and that her grades could plummet because she is that tired.
I am glad the D dropped competitive dance but does it for enjoyment, that shows an advanced ability to prioritize things.
I recently read a book about girls growing up (same guy wrote a book about boys growing up) and one of his concerns is the hyperachieving girls, whether it be academics, sports, etc, that they have set up these impossible standards for themselves, that they have to achieve.It isn’t a pretty picture (he is a clinician, a PHD psych and an MD).