How can I connect these ideas in my UC PS #1?

College Essays
1

<p>I know it’s really late… But I kind of want to incorporate all of these ideas somehow.</p>

<p>At the end of my freshman year I was evicted from my house very suddenly. I had to learn how to get by without discretionary funds, a room of my own (lived with a relative), transportation, etc. (idea #1) </p>

<p>I’ve gone to school in a very affluent suburb where a majority of students have their own cars, etc. Having this contrast in my daily life gave me perspective on how being too sheltered can lead to ignorance, how suburbia needs more diversity, etc., and kind of just how much variety there is in the human experience. I know all of this is pretty cliche, but when I actually write it I’ll be much more articulate. (idea #2)</p>

<p>While I was stuck at my relative’s house w/o transportation, I spent a lot of time on the blogging site “tumblr”, but I didn’t just do trivial stuff: I looked at fine art, landscape photos of cities and nature alike, poetry, quotations… I created a collection of these images and words as a sort of window into the world. I became very enthusiastic about learning about different cultures, traveling, etc. (idea #3) This kind of connects to idea 2.</p>

<p>During that summer, I taught myself a new instrument - sort of as something positive to focus on during a difficult time. I was thinking that writing about this might be good, because I spent a lot of time in band from grades 9-11, but quit before senior year, which I imagine looks pretty bad. I’m hoping that this might shed some positive light on band. (idea #4)</p>

<p>Finally, for the “dreams and aspirations” part, I think I want to be a journalist. I want to shed light on important issues - spread awareness. I want to do something to advocate for human rights. (I think I’m applying as a sociology major.) (idea #5)</p>

<p>Do you have any ideas on how I could connect all of these ideas into a cohesive thought? Or do you think there are any that I should change or leave out?</p>

2

<p>Well, #1 connects directly to #2 (you basically said as much). You also said #3 connects to #2, so #3 also then connects to #1. And #5 connects to #3 (not only do you want to learn about how other people live, but you want to share their stories and spread awareness). </p>

<p>So right there you already have a pretty linear essay. Not that hard to connect those dots…</p>

<p>If you can fit #4 in then you are a good writer. It’s not necessary to fit #4 in, and it would definitely be a challenge due to the interweaving narratives, but it can be done. I would tell you how, but I don’t think it’s fitting if I map out your essay for you. (hint: music = art).</p>

3

<p>Ok, thanks! Also, do you think these are GOOD ideas?</p>

4

<p>sounds good enough… better than most</p>

5

<p>Oh, also, do you remember my thread about my potential hook? The John Winthrop one? Do you think it’s applicable?</p>

6

<p>Oh, and I forgot. I took AP Spanish junior year and am semi-fluent. Think I could fit that in there somewhere with the whole awareness of the world sort of theme?</p>

7

<p>Number 1 is the best. That answers the prompt the best.</p>

<p>Number 2 is bad because you are being reverse-judgemental. You need to focus on how you built yourself up instead of attacking (even if it’s justified) other people’s views. </p>

<p>Number 3 is lame. It’s the internet man. </p>

<p>Number 4 isn’t unique enough. </p>

<p>Number 1 is really good is you can phrase it correctly.</p>

8

<p>bomerr, I’m asking how I can connect all of them into ONE essay</p>

9

<p>You don’t. 1 is really good and you need to elaborate it some more. You can use elements of two to strike the contract between how you lived and how the people around you lived but that’s it. Saying stuff like " how being too sheltered can lead to ignorance, how suburbia needs more diversity" is judgmental. You need to pick 1 event and build off it. Go in depth and in detail and really flush it out. Shoving a bunch of random things into your essay will only weaken it.</p>

10

<p>Hmmm, I don’t know. I’ve been reading a lot of advice that says you should try to include as much as you can about yourself in your PS.</p>

11

<p>I think all that is too much. Also you have some things that are current events and/or accomplishments or interests that you are forcing in to show off or something and really don’t answer the prompt where they want to know your background and what formed you, and some insight on that and what sort of person you are, not just recent events, although #1 is a biggie.</p>

<p>2 is only okay if you are talking about your own experiences and not pontificating at the reader ‘suburbs should be…’</p>