How Can I Convince My Parents to Let Me Go Across the Country for College?

Parents Forum
61

“We insisted that our kids go to college within a 3 hour drive of our hose OR within one hour of a close friend or relative.”

I’m glad your kids were able to meet your restrictions AND find good colleges that suited them, But that edict for us would restrict D to colleges here in Seattle or a few to the north or south of here, or perhaps a directional or two. That’s because 1)all but one of H’s close relatives are here in the city. 2)Mine are all a)not near a college and b)most are racist. 3)Our friends that are close enough to be handed the responsibility of babysitting D in a crisis are all here in Seattle. As well, the kinds of schools D wanted are only in one part of this country, and that’s not local to us, my relatives or even anyone we know distantly.

It’s not a realistic requirement for many people, and not a deal-breaker for everyone. Good thing it worked for you, but mentioning it twice in the same thread doesn’t mean it’s something feasible for everyone.

62

PhDs are funded.
But it’s time spent not starting your career, and even if you just needed a Bachelor’s the massive amount of debt which is being proposed here would be a bad idea.

I get that location is a big part of choosing a school, but the #1 issue here, by far, is cost. Ignore Seattle for now and move there later, because I don’t think you’ll find an affordable school.

Study well for the SATs. Go check it a prep book. A lot of large merit money - which you will need given this situation - is dependent on a high score.

63

The OP was looking for how to convince her parents to let her go to school far from home. She was not seeking advice on finances or her major. Her major will likely change so the harsh judgement on that seems unnecessary at this point. I don’t understand the cry to not invest much in their kids education or how taking loans is always a bad idea. That is why many never get further than where they start, and just get stuck where their parents want them, but that is another topic.

Tell your parents it is an amazing time for you to grow and something you feel ready for. And you understand they will worry and miss you, but it is only four years that go by really fast, and this is the best time in your life to try something like this and experience life. Put together a good financial analysis of the cost to attend (with travel) and how you will handle what you need to handle. Perhaps you can do that together with your parents. Ask them if they will sit down and help you understand the costs, along with plus and minuses of attending SU or any other college. Maybe if you crunch the numbers you will see that it works or it doesn’t. If you handle it with a mature approach rather than getting frustrated, perhaps they will listen better. There is an excess amount of negativity about paying for college on here. Of course practicality factors in every decision, but many many people do pay, invest and borrow for college, if you don’t invest in yourself, who will?

64

The posters were trying to understand why OP seemed to only have two college options, both over $50k.

She lives in an area with a lot more options. Psychology and most other majors don’t require going to a $50k school.

Especially if grad school will be a necessity in that field and some posters shared their experience with not needing an undergraduate degree in the forensic psychology specialty, and of earning potential of that path.

With her degree path she does not want super high loan debt.

That is what they were trying to do. Educate and guide about the majot and give advice about finding more affordable options.

65

@scotlandcalling Taking out loans to pay for college is always an option. $20,000 or $30,000 in debt is reasonable, though the less debt the better. Taking out over $100,000 in loans for a college degree, in a field where most jobs require a PhD is an option, but it’s a very bad one. People are pointing that out instead of answering OP’s question without comment so OP’s case doesn’t become a cautionary tale of student debt.

If someone asks for directions to a local park, they aren’t asking for my views on the neighborhood, but I’ll still warn them about the drug pushers who hang out there.

66

@sseamom
I mentioned it the second time to explain WHY it ended up being a good thing.

And also to say…it was non-negotiable. This OP might find that this is NOT a negotiable criteria with her parents under any circumstances.

And I NEVER said it had to be this way for everyone. I was simply explaining that IF that is a parent criteria, all the cajoling in the world might not change the parent POV.

We were also full pay just about…and that also is NOT for everyone.

Plus…as noted by others…this kid lives near Philly. There are hundreds of colleges…maybe more…within a decent drive of Philly. I find it impossible to believe that this student can’t find other undergrad programs near there beside University of New Haven, and needs to go to undergrad in Seattle when parents are clearly saying NO.

Carry on.

67

I think Thumper’s point is that if OPs parents also have nonnegotiable requirements, nothing is going to change their minds. One of their limitations seems to be costs. OP keeps trying to lead the train back to how to convince her parents to let her go far away to college, but if she’s truly going to be responsible for all the costs what she needs to focus on is affordability.

OP, how much can/will your parents pay per year? It sounds like the answer is $0. Seattle University doesn’t seem to offer guaranteed merit, so the net cost could very well be $25-50k/year. I wouldn’t recommend borrowing $100-200k for any undergrad degree. The monthly repayment on a $200k loan is ~$2300. If your family can’t afford $2500/month now to pay for college, how can a new grad come up with it?

I know you don’t want to hear it, but you need to change your focus from distance to affordability. You really need to start building your list by finding an affordable safety. Have you checked the guaranteed merit thread to see if you qualify for guaranteed scholarships anywhere? If your EFC is low enough, you may qualify for a federal Pell grant. Your current choices are unaffordable for your family, but we can’t help you find alternatives unless you provide more info:

*[ul]What are your SAT/ACT scores and GPA?

What’s your EFC?

How much can/will your parents pay per year (without borrowing)?

Do you have to repay your parents even if they pay out-of-pocket?[/ul]*

Most students whose parents can’t/won’t pay for college commute to a local school. You may want to start by adding your local cc and/or public university to your list. They all offer psychology majors.

68

@austinmshauri

I’m a bit confused. Initially the OP mentioned costs…but in recent posts has said that is NOT a concern. But the OP does not say how the parents plan to fund college…regardless of the location.

If it’s all loans…then Universitybif New Haven isn’t any more a bargain than Seattle (where those scholarships are not guaranteed…but could be possible)

69

And if you qualify for a federal Pell grant, as a PA student attending college in PA you could also get a PHEAA grant of up to about $4k.

We don’t qualify for Pell, but we do qualify for PA state grant.

That is one of the reasons why we are looking for instate schools.

70

My concern is that OP is saying cost doesn’t matter because she doesn’t want to talk about it. Her parents will apparently borrow the cost of attendance and all she has to do is pay it back. She doesn’t realize that parents may qualify for loans the first year, but their app may be rejected in later years. Students in that situation have to drop out. They have huge debt and no degree.

If OP truly wants to have constructive conversations with her parents about her choices, it would help her if she had a couple affordable options lined up. Her parents are talking about costs and she’s not hearing them. Until she starts responding to their concerns, I don’t think she’s going to get anywhere.

71

We think you are asking the wrong question. The right question is “How can I find a college that meets my needs for less than full price private”…although we don’ tknow your financial situation and if you qualify for need or merit based aid.

Think of this from your parent’s point of view: “My kid has decided that Seattle is the place for them despite never visiting it. That is lovely, but I am not going to fund travel out there for college…I get to see my kid even less! S/he can live there when they graduate,”

72

@usualhopeful other posters have said that grad funding isn’t necessarily a shoe-in for that profession.

Anyway OP, I think there are a couple of reasons people simply aren’t focusing on “how do I convince my parents I should go to SU” but on the bigger picture.

1- Theres no real reason for you to be at SU over a bunch of other schools. You’ve been focused on a specific undergrad degree that you don’t need. A ton of schools offer psych degrees, you have a lot more options than you think you do.

2- Loans matter because you said you have to pay them back, and when you have to commit more than 4 years to your education, the amount of loans you take out matters.

3- You’re being vague – if you posted your stats and any income parameters it’d be easier for people to understand your abilities.

4- Your parents are being vague – They aren’t being 100% clear with you on finances, distance, etc. I gave you some advice on talking to them, but if distance to them is non-negotiable you need to look at alternatives.

73

Okay OP your follow up post cleared up alot of confusion for me. If the University of Seattle is 5k more than the New Haven I can see why you have it on your list. I would strongly suggest you visit the school before making a commitment. Knowing what you want to major in also sheds alot of light on your situation. I have to agree with majority here in that it would be a much better plan to get a psych degree and that pursue your interest in grad school. This opens up many more universities for you to choose from including public’s which I would highly recommend. I makes little sense to me to go 100k in debt for undergrad when you know graduate school is in the plans. You have alot more options than you think.

74

It makes little sense to go $100K into debt for an undergrad degree, period.

75

OP, the emotional side of the issue you broached at the outset, the sense of shaming and hearkening to the sensitivities and vulnerabilities of your 9-year-old self are disturbing to you, and I hear that.

Family dynamics are complicated and people often fall into, and are placed into, static roles - allowing no one the possibility of growth, change, expansion. Introducing change into the family dynamic. It is particularly difficult for others to recast your role when you are the dependent who has relied upon the care, strength, wisdom, shelter and comfort of the others. Your attempts to do so can shake the others, and introduce a kind of dissonance.

People don’t like change, people resist change. You are asking that your parents consider and accept two major changes: 1) You will be farther from home than they have ever imagined as you state you only newly began to explore schools far away from home, and 2)You are more than you were at 9, more than the moments when you were challenged by being far from home and needed the certainty of the familiar.

I would ask you, up until you began looking at schools with some distance from home, was one of your criteria also that you attend school near enough to return home if you became unsure of things?

If so, how did you come to feel you had the inner resources enough to jump that hurdle?

How else have you shown your parents over time that you are truly not that 9 year old?

Let me say, I am sorry you undergo snide smackdown encounters with your parents.

76

And it makes less sense to take on 100K worth of debt for undergrad to go into a field where the majority of professional opportunities are in the public sector. (Maybe once in a blue moon a corporate security firm like Kroll will hire a forensic psych PhD. But most folks in this profession work for municipalities, the Federal government, other branches of law enforcement, i.e. it takes a very long time to climb the compensation ladder.)

77

I don’t think the OP’s parents are very tuned into the college search process if they think it is okay to not pay AND be encouraging the nearby school costing over $50K per year. This student needs a new list of lower cost schools, not the two original choices.

78

@sam9919

You have received some nice advice here, as well as some that is perhaps off topic. It is a lot to sort through. I will address a couple of things, most importantly your original question. You didn’t ask how to pay for college or if your choices were good, you asked how to convince your parents moving across the country was not only ok, but a good thing to do.

Costs, majors and the like aside…

How to convince

Have you asked them what would it take for you to convince them that you could handle being away? How you could prove to them that you are ready? Have you ever told them that the snide comments hurt your feelings or that while you understand that might have been valid in the past, you don’t think it is now and here is why? I suspect “hinting” is part of the problem. Hinting can be inferred as just that. A hint. Not a passion. If you want an open dialogue you may need to change your approach. It sounds as if you have approached talking about it with little success. Have you tried putting it in writing? For example a letter explaining your position, how their feedback is making you feel, why you understand their concerns (that part is important, you cannot ignore their feelings and just say they are wrong) but why you think they need to reconsider, and include all of the financials.

You need to be prepared that it may not matter. At the end of the day they hold the purse strings, or at the very least the willingness to take on loans that you plan to assume later. As such, they really can dictate where you go. All you can do is present your argument as logically as possible, possibly in multiple formats to try to encourage an open dialogue.

Cost

You didn’t ask this question of anyone but did state your folks would be taking out loans that you would then cover. That’s a pretty big component. As you noted, all of the schools you mentioned are 50-60K annually before any merit. IF you are in fact truly planning on paying for ALL of college via loans that your parents take out on your behalf as you stated once, none of these are affordable. Even with merit (and yes, Seattle U is known for being quite generous) you are still looking at about 175K in debt for either UNH or Seattle U. That’s not a good idea for any degree. ANY degree, at any school in my opinion. I know you aren’t asking about this piece but you really need to know what they are paying for if any and if you are truly on the hook for all of it, I agree with everyone you must look at an entirely different list. It is one thing for you to say, be responsible for the maximum allowable student loans on your own for 4 years (27k) and be willing to pay all travel costs out of your own earned income. That to me, could be reasonable. 175K??? No.

IF the financial picture does not involve you taking on 175k in debt, Seattle U is a wonderful school to consider.

Seattle U

As mentioned by one other poster, Seattle U is a very well regarded jesuit school that consistently is highly ranked even if many here on CC have never heard of it. It is known for your specific area of interest, among other things. It is very generous with merit and I believe if their NPC showed you at a 20k award, that is likely quite valid. We know many kids who have gone there who have had “more” prestigious options and all have been thrilled. My father taught there for many years (Psychology and Statistics) so I have my own perspective on it, I wouldn’t hesitate to send my kids there in a heartbeat. However, it is very urban. Smack in the middle of the city. Which some love, some do not. You would be close to anything and everything. Seattle U is not known locally for music or the music scene but is certainly in the heart of much of the activity zone and Seattle as a whole certainly is. There are several direct flights to Philly, it is not egypt out here as folks seem to think and no, it does not rain all the time. I am amused by those comments (but it’s fine and good, we don’t really want more people moving here anyway and driving up our costs). I have a rising senior who potentially wants to go to Philly lol and I see nothing wrong with wanting to explore. IF it is financially feasible. I am not convinced you limit yourself by that specific or narrow of major but confess I do not know enough about it to say that with any authority.

That said. I do agree with many of the general points.

  1. You likely do not need to be that narrow or specific in your UG major, however I do understand the attraction to it.
  2. The choice of major (with the forensic path or not) is not likely to have grad school funded. Not impossible but by no means something you can count on. Debt for UG makes little sense if grad school is a given.
  3. There are very likely many many schools closer to home that would fit the bill.
  4. At the end of the day, your parents hold the financial card and may all be moot. I get that it is frustrating, do what you can, present what you can, learn what you can and if it is an immovable object either financially or from their comfort level then accept it and move on.

I would also say, finances aside (as on paper it really seems like you need to start from scratch with an affordable list) having the conversation with your parents, convincing them to engage in the conversation, would be good for your overall relationship and as you navigate this further.

79

How to convince your parents about college:

Start with the realization that they are the final arbiter of this decision. Acknowledge that and start the conversation with respect. You are grategul for the chance to get to go to college, there are lots of kids who cant.

This is a negotiation, not an argument. Dont attack or defend. You are just explaining your position.

Start with a statement up front that your goal is to pursue the credentials you need for a marketable skill for lifelong earnings. Its not about you being happy…its about you having a fulfilling career.

Use facts. You should know, and be able to back up with sources, how much you will make at this career, how much this education will cost, how you plan to pay for it, what other school options are this career, what the expected growth rate/future prospects are for this career, how long it would take to pay back your investment, etc.

Offer to shoulder part of the education cost if not already doing so. This would be work study or loans you can get without their cosign. It may be a small portion, but doign so will help show your commitment.

Explain your ability to complete college. Use examples of similiar things you have commited to in your life and succeded in doing. Explain how you will overcome your known challenges or limitations.

Realize you are spending upwards of a quarter of a million dollars. Even if its someone elses money, they want some sense of cofidence the money will spent. Confince them of that and you will usually succeed.

GL.

80

Also Psychology is a very common degree…find a cheaper school. There is no reason to pay a zillion dollars when you don’t need to.