<p>I have a good friend who recently got fired from a job that she loved and she is devastated. And while I along with my other friends think the world of her, we sensed that it would happen eventually. My friend has a very strong personality with a need to be right in almost every situation. She has no idea when to choose her battles and back off. For example, the reason she got fired was when she went over her new bosses head and called a company wide meeting to let everyone know why his new plan for moving the physical location of a number of offices around was wrong and to promote how she had a better plan. What’s more, she already knew she was on thin ice at this point. She has had many run ins like this in our small community and will have a great deal of difficulty finding a new job. A sad fact because she has three children who will be starting college soon.</p>
<p>She eventually needs to realize what she is doing to sabotage herself. If I told her outright she will be greatly offended. How can I help her? Or do I just sit back and listen?</p>
<p>I had a very, very good friend like this. After decades of knowing her, I did tell her, gently but she never truly realized it was her-- she framed it as she couldn’t stand b<em>ll</em>****. </p>
<p>I think sometimes people like this need to work in jobs where they have little office politics. I don’t know what she does but I know women like this who successfully work in corrections, with emotionally disturbed teens, etc.</p>
<p>are you really sure she doesn’t know how she is? there is a woman at my kids’ school who i have know for several years, served with on several committees, etc. who has an awful reputation for being difficult. one-on-one she can be pleasant, but mostly no one likes to work with her, becuz her description closely matches your friend.</p>
<p>newflash: she LIKES being this way. she chooses it on purpose. people like that frequently get their way because no one will confront them…it WORKS for her. sure, she loses points along the way with people, but to her it is worth the tradeoff. </p>
<p>obviously you know your friend and I don’t, but don’t assume she is too dumb to understand…</p>
<p>I have a co-worker who sounds similar, but is still employed. I have been trying to stay out of it all - I hesitate whether I should try to help her, but she’s so volatile it’s hard to know. She got a bad job review and was told she was “too defensive.” She went around to everyone one on one demanding to know if she was “too defensive” and how dare they say she was “too defensive.” Which to me kind of enforced the evaluation. </p>
<p>I’ve thought about how I should handle it the next time she comes to me to complain how unfair our boss is and I wonder if I should try to let her know how confrontational she is, but so far I’ve been too chicken. One time she blew up at me (started screaming at me in the office in front of everyone) and while we’re on okay terms now, that past experience has me a little scared. So when she vents to me I just try to listen patiently without saying anything to actually agree with her perceived injustices, which I don’t know if she realizes or not.</p>
<p>Good luck - it’s hard to know if those kinds of people can ever see their own faults or if it will always be everyone else is to blame. She also fights with her neighbors and her son’s coaches and her ex-husband so I would think she might detect a pattern.</p>
<p>I too know someone similar. In fact, I’ve known her for 30 years, and her pattern hasn’t changed. Sometimes she’ll soften up a little, but under stress she reverts right back to her old patterns.</p>
<p>Often, people continue doing the things that worked for them early on. Unfortunately, as we move forward in life, we need to learn different skills and ways of behaving to adapt to different circumstances.</p>
<p>I think the fact that most people can’t learn new skills is the reason why many people “top out” at a mid-level in their career.</p>
<p>I also have a long-time friend who is like this … and who has no intent to change despite numerous episodes like the one the OP described. Very bright … very driven. Several times over the years employers have offered professional help. My friend’s response was always “Why? I’m not the one who needs help … it’s them.”</p>