How can I improve this SAT essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>Question: Can success be disastrous? (Blue book test 6)</p>

<p>Success can be disastrous at times. Three examples of this are Stanley’s action in the play, A Streetcar Named Desire, Martin Luther King Junior’s, ‘‘I Have a Dream’’ speech, and England’s Industrial Revolution. </p>

<p>In the play, A Streetcar Named Desire, Stanley may have succeeded to get Stella’s one-way ticket to leave town for good for her birthday because they were in an abusive relationship, but this was a bad action to take. Not only did Stella never leave, but her relationship with Stanley only grew more abusive. Stanley physically hurt Stella a second time. Also, Stanley hurt her, and her sister, Blanche by asking Blanche personal questions about her past, like about why she was fired from her job as an English teacher, and about her astrological sign. </p>

<p>Martin Luther King Junior’s, ‘‘I Have a Dream’’ speech was a speech in which he wished to end racial segregation. He wanted colored people and white people to be treated equally, and to be able to interact with each other. Even though his wish came true, some people were against it. He was assassinated in a hotel, shortly after he made the speech. </p>

<p>The Industrial Revolution was a time in England when people went from making products by hand to making products by machine. Even though this increased production rates, the working conditions were extremely dangerous. Children had to work at extremely young ages. People were put to work in bad working conditions, for extremely long periods of time. There were also low wages at the time. As a result, many people got sick and passed away. </p>

<p>In other words, success does have a disastrous side to it. Even though Stanley from the play, A Streetcar Named Desire managed to get his wife, Stella, a birthday gift, this action only led to more belligerence. Despite the fact that Martin Luther King Junior’s speech led to less segregation, he was only killed shortly after. Even though the Industrial Revolution led to increased production rates worldwide, many people were injured and killed.</p>

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<p>141 views? Bump?</p>

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<p>If you don’t mind me asking, what have you gotten on your SAT essays during testing? I would give this like a 6-7.</p>

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<p>This was a 10 when I entered it on the Collegeboard website from the blue book. But I need some critique! How can I do better?</p>

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<p>@xxeliza321xx
Nice!
The content is solid and your evidence is from a variety of sources. The way you express your answers, though, could be much better.
Small things like “Not only did Stella never leave, but [also] her relationship with Stanley only grew more abusive.” You need an “also” and delete “only” to make the sentence grammatically correct.
“Also, Stanley hurt her,” Is this phrase just repeating what you have before? I’m not sure what the function of this phrase is.
Overall your prompts discuss topics you mention in your first paragraph, but they don’t explain anything about success. In Martin Luther’s speech for example, was the end of segregation your opinion of “success”? Although it might seem like the most obvious answer, you need to state your reasons explicitly or implicitly.
Have you taken the SAT before?</p>

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<p>7 or 8. Underdeveloped examples, some mechanics issues.</p>

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<p>Thanks guys. Yea, I know about the underdeveloped examples. This was a hard question for me. But I will try to study harder, so I can grab more facts to support what I have to say.</p>

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<p>@xxeliza321xx
You don’t need more facts as in examples. I always write about 3 with barely enough time to spare to revise. Just explain what each example means in light of the topic.</p>