How Could I Have Gotten a 12?

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1

So I recently took the May test and scored an 11 on my essay but I’d really like to hit 12. The following is my essay (re-typed from the pdf they show you :frowning: ugh)

True loyalty is the quality of undivided trust in someone, something, etc. To be loyal means to recognize and strive to achieve the goals of those you are loyal to. However, it sometimes turns out that the goals of the persons or organization you originally supported, can change. Unconditional support is necessary to maintain true loyalty, but it should remain more to be support of the goals they believe in, not the direction of the people or organization.

In Netflix’s “House of Cards”, Francis Underwood, the protagonist of the program often reminds viewers, through a Shakespearian-esque breaking of the fourth wall, that her values nothing more than loyalty. In recent developments of the show, other characters cross Francis and defy his wishes, characters whom had previously pledged their loyalty to him. It is not so much as they had been unloyal to what they has signed up for, only recent changes in his plans. This type of loyalty is still true, for they had joined his administration for its goals assuming they would not change, and they were justified in being critical of Francis.

On the other hand, it is under the assumption of many that loyalty is to the goals of an organization or people, and is not subject to changing circumstances. Throughout history, it is always those who were loyal to their higher-ups that have been prosperous and thrived. Medieval knights would fight bloody battles for the honor of their kings, and were showered in spoils for their valiant dedication. It does seem, however, that we have crossed a point in the progression of society that honor is less valuable than integrity and dignity. An individual must attempt to take a stand if they believe that those they are loyal to are doing something out of the scope of their goal.

Peter Russo, another character in the aforementioned Netflix title, was a congressman who had pledged his loyalty to Francis Underwood. His knight in shining armor, Russo would obey every command, fight his every battle, and be showered in the spoils of victory. However as the show progressed, and Russo overcame his alcoholism, a veil was lifted from his eyes, and he saw what Francis was doing to be wrong and corrupt. He made it his goal to bring justice to the wrongs Francis had made him create. Peter displayed true loyalty, the kind to that he knew what he had originally believed in, and lost his life, in trying to fix these mistakes. Peter showed true loyalty in that moment.

In conclusion, loyalty cannot be a tangible force that sways in the direction of those who possess it. Loyalty should be derived from individual morals. Those who are truly loyal will always show it, through integrity and dignity

(P.S. this was completely unabridged, I realize what a mess of words the end of the second to last paragraph was, that may have been why one grader gave it a 5 I suppose)

2

There’s no way to guarantee a 12. An 11 is awesome; learn your grammar and the 800 is yours.

3

I received an 11 on the last test, and I think that getting a 12 is, to some extent, a function of luck, and perhaps not necessary if your MC is superb. Anyways, you have a very solid essay here, but your thesis seemed a little convoluted, as I had to do a bit of rereading to ascertain exactly what you were going to be proving in your essay… And then, as you might have alluded to, your conclusion was sort of weak, and the “in conclusion” bit is overplayed.

4

What’s the prompt?

5

I agree with Reply #2 (and also because I have scored these essays before.) You did a great job, OP. Sometimes one of the two graders will have a tiny bit higher expectation; other graders reflexively hold back from a full 6. Don’t be so hard on yourself regarding the penultimate paragraph. Instead, I think the conclusion could have been fuller, tying in your good points, and that may be why one grader gave you a 5 instead of a 6. The two reasons students disappoint themselves or their readers in the concluding paragraph are:

1~ not enough time (the most frequent reason!)
2~ not understanding what a conclusion really is. (I don’t think that’s your problem, judging from your sample)

The CB says to “save time for a conclusion” or something. However, as a grader (and I’ve seen other graders do this), I think of the three big “evils” – insufficient or inappropriate examples, underdeveloped reasoning, scant conclusion - the latter is the least of the three.

6

I would suggest you to write 2 detailed body paragraphs rather than 3. Your 3 body paragraphs are pretty vague and not very descriptive, especially your 2nd body paragraph.