I’m a HS senior that is going to attend an OOS college this fall. I applied to 1 in-state (UT) and 2 OOS colleges. I was rejected from the in-state school and accepted to the 2 OOS schools. In hindsight, it’s good that I got rejected from the in-state college because it was more expensive than the OOS options and I wouldn’t have received any scholarships at the in-state school. To give a bit of insight, I did all of my college research on my own (mom wasn’t involved in the research process and my guidance counselor wouldn’t have been able to help since we only 5 counselors for about 2100 students).
My mom asked in November where I would like to go college and I told her UT. Her response was basically “oh okay, that’s good” and that was the end of the college discussion. Fast forward to last month and I get rejected from UT. After I told her this, I informed her that I would attend one of the OOS schools (which is about 1200 miles away). She was fine, although she advised me be safe and not walk around at night (just the common sense stuff).
About a week later, I’m in math class and she sends me a bunch texts. The texts are her telling me that she wants me to stay in state and a list of in-state colleges. This really caught me off guard. She then starts telling me that it’s not safe for a female to go to college alone in another state (especially one that is in a large city) and she wants me to consider applying to in-state schools. When I got home, she told me that a co-worker was the one who told her these things and got her scared.
Here’s the thing, one of my brother’s went into the army at 18, another brother went to an OOS college and my other brother is currently at a college that is in a large city(which has a good amount of crime), but she never never panicked about them. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m the youngest child and she will be an empty nester?
I want to know, did you guys have lots of concerns about your kid going to college OOS?
Are the crime rates in the places where the out-of-state colleges actually higher than the crime rates in the places where the in-state colleges are?
Of course, be aware that much of the crime at a college can occur at just about any college, regardless of the crime rate of the surrounding area – e.g. fights or sexual assaults after alcohol consumption at parties, theft from unlocked dorm rooms, theft of unlocked unattended items, etc…
Off topic a bit…but turn your phone OFF when you are in class.
We love in a semirural area…very safe. Our kids both went to college OOS at urban colleges. We were fine with it. But we discussed this LONG before applications were sent.
Do you think the murder of the student on the UT campus two weeks ago had anything to do with her sudden change of heart?
I’m a parent of a kid who wants to go OOS. Sometimes I’m fine with it and sometimes it freaks me out. But honestly…the safety concerns are anywhere. I mean, that campus murder happened on the campus that was IN state for you, right? Campus crimes can happen anywhere. Someone asked me last night if I was worried about my D potentially going out of state due to safety issues and I said "well, a horrific murder happened on the campus of a school where she could be attending IN state so it is a campus problem, not necessarily a distance problem if that makes sense.
It sounds like she is genuinely concerned and her coworker has worked her up into a frenzy. Sit her down this weekend while she is calm and have a genuine talk with her about how you plan to address campus safety.
No. Going to school OOS has no correlation to safety. I’m in Virginia, and we had the worst college shooting spree happen in Virginia Tech. What does that really prove? College is about the child becoming an adult and learning to live by him or herself. My child went to school in Alabama and then in Boston. He never really ever considered an instate school. Being away from home (and our inability to visit frequently) means he had to rely on himself and his network to support him. And being OOS meant he wasn’t going to go to the same colleges as his classmates, where it basically is a continuation of high school I wanted him to have to make new friends. I think he grew up faster that way.
Then you can show her how safe your college is. You should do this alone first and compare them with UT.
The idea that girls are not safe in the world is kind of sexist but somewhat true. I have a daughter in class of 2017. Moms are supposed to worry but not hold you back.
The main thing you can do at college is to not walk around after dark by yourself. It was this way when I attended college in the 70’s and urban crime was actually worse back then.
Good luck with college. If she can’t be persuaded there is a list of rolling admission colleges here and a list of colleges with openings comes out in late May after most students have committed.
Also, be careful with alcohol and environments with alcohol (e.g. parties). One is more vulnerable to sexual assault or sexual events where there are questions of consent after intoxication. Alcohol can also be an accelerant for fights.
Always knew my kids (girls and boys) would go OOS. No problem. I went OOS years ago and my parents were ok with it. Heck, my GRANDMOTHER in 1920 went OOS to college. You will be fine. Of course, none of my opinion is likely to sway your mom at all, sorry.
Both of our kids’ colleges were urban campuses. Both had a very extensive campus safety presentation as part of student orientation. They did one for parents and one for students.
My kids listened carefully…neither was raised in a city.
When I was growing up, we spent a few years living in a house in a a run down area of New Orleans. An older couple who lived down the street from us were murdered in their home (because they were set to be witnesses in a trial). So I would that we aren’t strangers to high crime areas.
@ucbalumnus The crime rate in the OOS school seems to be the same at my brother’s university. There’s things like bike thefts and the occasional student robbery. Also, I have no interest in drinking heavily and getting drunk in college. The idea of being drunk and getting a hangover is such a turn off @thumper1 I keep my phone on silent during class lol. Although, teachers at my school are very lenient with phones, we can use them except when they are speaking/teaching @carachel2 No, she got worried before the UT murder. But, I will take your advice and talk about how I will be safe. I know the university has campus security guards who will escort you around campus, so I’ll utilize that. @OspreyCV22 The college I’m going to is in downtown Cleveland. I reminded her that any large urban city is bound to have some crime (she agreed, as she lived in Boston for many years). But, she isn’t going to stop me from going OOS. She told me that she trusts my judgment and knows that I will always do the common sense thing, but I guess i’s natural for every parent to worry
My S will be 11 hrs away from home next year. He had no desire to stay “in” as a lot of his friends are doing. He was rewarded more from OOS schools for his “stats” than in state schools. I support his decision a 100% and feel very good about him experiencing college life OOS. As he put it, " I am only about a 3 hr plan flight home". luck!
I’ll tell you a little story. When I told my mom that D would be doing a semester abroad (UK) she was fine for a while and then a few weeks later she started barraging us with pleas to not let her go because she read some stories in the newspaper about some American study abroad students who met tragic ends somehow and she was honestly, terribly afraid for our D’s safety. Although I got a bit worked up listening to her go on and on, logic prevailed and D went, had a wonderful experience and the whole issue just kind of evaporated into the ether with my mom after D returned safely.
Bad things can happen in-state as well as out-of-state as well as overseas, but if you keep your wits about you, don’t engage in reckless or risky behavior the odds are in your favor. Parents worry, that is part of the job description, but it shouldn’t stop you from going a bit further afield for school. Our D went OOS and the only big deal with that was trying to coordinate trips home for holiday breaks when everyone and their mother was on the move and ticket prices for transportation options were accordingly inflated and scarce unless you planned far enough in advance, which we are bad at. The only times I could justify trying to make someone stay in-state or even close to home would be either for financial reasons (state-subsidized in-state tuition is less costly), or if there were a particular tricky health issue with the student. I know I’d rest easier knowing that familiar healthcare providers who took our insurance were within relatively easy reach should a need arise.
You being far away is probably just starting to sink in for your mom, so be patient Be nice, explain your strategies for staying safe (walking in groups at night, never wearing headphones when walking alone, knowing how to reach security, using a ride service at night, etc). Compare (Case? University Circle is well patrolled) to UT if that seems appropriate.
I don’t think there is anything magical either way about a kid staying instate or going out of state ( sometimes kids staying IS end up being further away than many kids going OOS in a small region with close borders). Any kid moving out of the parental home as a 17 or 18 year old is already taking a step toward becoming independent. The reality is that most kids still go to their instate public schools or stay within a couple of hundred miles or so of their home. If you go to an instate school and don’ t want to see anybody from your high school, it is easy enough to do so. That argument by teenagers that if they stay instate it will be just like high school always seems overblown. It will only be like high school if you let it be. If you are having to commute and live at home with your parents , that is when I do think it could get potentially tougher to start feeling more independent. Both my kids stayed instate and went to schools about 2 1/2 -5 hours away from us but met many kids from all over the country. But, they still maintain ties with friends they have known as far back as elementary school as well. Best of both worlds.
Now might be a good time to agree on a communication plan that would make your mom feel more comfortable. How about “heartbeat calls” (or video skype or Facetime) every Sunday. And agreement to reply to important texts/emails within 24 hours.
My kids know that a text or email subject with a "?: means I’d like a reply. I don’t do it a lot. Some of my texts/emails are just FYI.
When I was at the accepted students weekend with D at her chosen school, the director of safety came in and spelled out exactly how many cameras were onsite and explained that they were designed to automatically swivel towards the call boxes one uses for emergencies when there is a call. I didn’t know that was even possible-it impressed me quite a bit. He also gave the stats on how long it takes for a response to a call, and explained the way to get an escort at any time at night. It’s in an urban area and a lot of the kids work off-campus.
Maybe you can look into these kinds of details for the OOS schools you’re looking at. I don’t agree with your mother agreeing to let you apply to schools and then trying to keep you from them. Anytime a young woman lives on her own she has some risks, but when one is aware and takes note of safety options, those risks can be reduced. Given the things I hear about every fall at our own in-town flagship, I’m no more worried about D going away than if she was going to be across town.
Both men and women need to be aware of risks and take precautions. Unfortunately, some things are very random. Someone earlier mentioned Virginia Tech. The anniversary is tomorrow and it is still painful after all these years to think about it. One of my kids is a Virginia Tech graduate. Blacksburg is a wonderful small town, the campus is beautiful. Bad things can happen anywhere.
You have to learn the “rules of the road” at any school, whether in-state or out-of-state. When and where is it safe to be out (day or night), when should you only go someplace if accompanied by a good friend, what to drink with whom and where. You just have to watch it, and pay attention to your surroundings at all times.
This isn’t meant to scare you off. It’s to alert you to things to think about.
Both of my kids went OOS to college. The older one went to a large city (Chicago), the younger one to a small one (Providence). It was the younger one, my daughter, who got mugged, early in the school year. She wasn’t in a remote place but some of the townies took advantage of kids who hadn’t yet learned where and when it was safe to be out. She wasn’t hurt, just robbed.
Again this isn’t meant to scare you off, just to alert you to take good precautions and learn your environment. That includes not being out alone or with a small group in a drugged or alcohol-affected status.
