How did you transition from a family life to a life alone?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>My husband is going to some type of mid-life crisis and after living overseas for a while decided that he wants a different life which does not include me. I’m having a difficult time trying to understand all that is happening. It’s been a week and I can barely function. I already got in touch with a therapist. In the meanwhile was hopping that anyone that has been through this can give me some advice.</p>

<p>A quit my job and possible good career 18 years ago to stay home with my children and support my husband career which had better prospects than mine. It was a difficult decision to make but I actually enjoyed being home with my children. </p>

<p>The problem now is that I lived all these years in function of my husband and children, and am completely lost about how to proceed alone. I’m not from this country and have no extended family here and no close friends. I’m unsure on how to find something that I can look forward to when I wake up.</p>

2

<p>I’m so sorry, bettertomorrow.</p>

<p>It’s any wonder you can barely function. Calling a therapist was a really good first step. I have not been through what you are going through but one thought that I have is to try to just take one day, one thing at a time. It must be overwhelming to try to imagine the future at this point. That feeling is not forever. Things will get better but try not to project too far ahead of yourself.</p>

3

<p>You chose a wonderful screen name, because things WILL be better for you, maybe not tomorrow, but sooner than you can probably imagine right now. </p>

<p>You mention you have no family here or close friends, now is the time to change one of those, seek out a support group. You might find friendship in shared circumstances. Also, can you see a therapist, even for a short time, to help you gather some coping and confidence skills?</p>

<p>Try to take a small step forward each day, don’t let yourself get overwhelmed. Reach out to people for help, ask them.</p>

4

<p>I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It is very hard to rebuild a life. That’s good that you have contacted a therapist. Try to get into counseling right away. Are your children still at home? they might need counseling too.</p>

<p>My dear friend and former neighbor is also going through this. She is also from another country with no family here. She is also a stay-at-home mom and has no career prospects yet. It takes quite a while to adjust to new circumstances.</p>

5

<p>“My husband is going to some type of mid-life crisis and after living overseas for a while decided that he wants a different life which does not include me.”</p>

<p>What you need to realize is that even after your split you are entitled to a fair share of the money and property acquired during you life together (even though he was the only “breadwinner”) and possibly his financial support (alimony). Without diminishing the importance of taking care of the mental and emotional well-being, I highly recommend concentrating on the financial aspects. It is time to find an attorney and a good divorce financial planner! Many women end up in the poorhouse after all these years of supporting their narcissistic workaholic womanizer spouses because women are either not educated about finances and/or think that it is somewhat shameful to think about material things - it is not! <<<hugs>>>.</hugs></p>

<p>Talking to CCers in times like this can be very therapeutic (and there are many knowledgeable posters who can offer a ton of advice on how to proceed with attorney selection etc.).</p>

6

<p>When I left a 26 year marriage, I too was freaked out and afraid. And I had two pluses: I had a decent job and I was the initiator of the split.</p>

<p>It helped tremendously to make one new friend. I guess you have to be careful not to become too dependent on that one person, but you don’t need to start with a huge social circle.</p>

<p>It felt empowering to see a lawyer and find out the financial repercussions so that I knew what I was up against. Don’t commit too early to what you will try to get. My feelings about what I deserved to get changed over the first months of separation. In the beginning I felt I didn’t want anything, just to get out of the relationship. Later, I had a different sense of what I was entitled to.</p>

<p>Therapy is essential! Even if you have friends, no friends wants to hear obsess over and over again about the split as you will probably want and need to do.</p>

<p>Eight years after my divorce, I still feel sadness over the losses.</p>

7

<p>Step one is to see a lawyer ASAP. Your H may be removing assets from the US. Your attorney MAY be able to help prevent that. I can’t say that (s)he will be, but you need to seek legal help immediately. Call your local bar association and see if it has a legal referral service if you need help finding an attorney.</p>

8

<p>After lining up a therapist,and a lawyer,you might consider consulting a divorce financial planner. Do not rely on your husband or soon-to-be ex husband to take care of your current or impending needs.</p>

<p>And what do you have to look forward to? You can look forward to an exciting new life taking care of yourself. It’s a whole new adventure and you can do it.</p>

9

<p>You have taken two great steps - choosing a CC name that indicates a positive attitude and reaching out to others that may offer advice. Good for you. </p>

<p>Wondering a couple of things. Can you reach out to your children for support (assuming you have children since you are on CC)???</p>

<p>Are you involved in any church/clubs/organizations? A call or meeting with clergy at a church might help to get you involved in some volunteer time or perhaps even a support group just so you get out with people and interact and start making some relationships - even if they are only a 1 hour a week, clean out the church pews type relationship.</p>

<p>It seems that (in addition to living live without your husband) that you need to move forward to just not living day after day alone. And that you can take care of either by looking for volunteer opportunities, support groups or maybe even a part time job - doing anything - to keep your mind occupied with thoughts other than “what am I going to do”.</p>

10

<p>Thank you for the replies. I’m a bit paralyzed.
My children are in college and I definitely don’t want to get they involved in it now. They don’t know yet. I want to protect them for as long as I can.
For all of those that mentioned finances: my husband never cared about money and I know it can change too. I take care of all accounts. He will be back in a couple of months and I will deal with finances then.</p>

11

<p>Glad to hear that you take care of family financial matters. But you still should discuss your options with a divorce financial planner BEFORE he returns. I will help mightly with your paralysis. </p>

<p>Know your options. Don’t wait on him.</p>

12

<p>Assuming this is good if you have been taking care of all the accounts - but you might want to check with your bank(s) and be CERTAIN that your name is on all the accounts and ask for any safeguards against withdrawals that he might try to do (even if you think he would not).</p>

13

<p>Monitor your credit card accounts closely - your soon to be ex might be spending lavishly on his new fantasy. Even if the cards are in his name only, his attorneys most likely will try to make you responsible for half of the debt! It happened to my friend, and it was a mess to sort out what was spent on the new girlfriend and what was spent on “family stuff”.</p>

14

<p>So sorry this is happening to you. Just remember you are a strong, capable and resilient woman and things will be better tomorrow. I understand the desire to avoid it, but the advice given above is critical:</p>

<p>See a competent and experienced divorce attorney now (one who understand international issues). Do not put this off!</p>

15

<p>Good advice from everyone above. </p>

<p>Your focus has been taking care of your children for a long time. They still need you, maybe more now than ever. Keep/build a strong relationship with them, but don’t bad-mouth their father to them. He’s still their father. Let them form their own opinions of him. They’re smart enough to know he’s hurting you, but don’t make them choose! I know from experience how hard this is, but it’s best for the kids and in the long run for you too.</p>

<p>Support groups can help, but sometimes they’re just a bunch of bitter people complaining about their exes. If that’s what you find in support groups, run away! Try to surround yourself with positive people. Find people who have similar interests to yours that have nothing to do with “divorce”. </p>

<p>Assuming you’re going to look for a job, don’t downplay the skills you’ve used as a mom and wife. I bet you’re a pretty good planner, organizer, cook, recruiter, mediator, accountant, teacher, etc. Try to find someone to coach you through the job search process.</p>

<p>Talk to your attorney about getting your husband to pay for your job training.</p>

<p>Assuming you have health insurance now, make use of it! Have a full physical. Take care of any medical procedures you’ve been putting off. If you have dental and vision coverage, use them now too. </p>

<p>Make copies of every bit of financial information you can from your marriage. It may be hard to get this if accounts are online and your husband changes the password, or if he takes paper copies of everything. Keep copies somewhere your husband won’t find them, and don’t let him know you have them. </p>

<p>Talk to your attorney about the value of getting credit cards in your own name now. It may be impossible later. Find out your credit rating, make sure all your information is correct. </p>

<p>DO NOT under any circumstances use the same lawyer your husband uses. And don’t assume your lawyer is always acting as your advocate. Be proactive and be your own best advocate.</p>

<p>And most of all, keep that positive attitude! Living well is the best revenge :)</p>

<p>ETA: I just saw that you’re handling all the finances, which is great! Keep accurate records so he can’t accuse you of any wrong-doing.</p>

16

<p>WOOOPS
TYPO; I will help…should have been—It will help. </p>

<p>(I am of no help whatsoever :wink: )</p>

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<p>Are there things you have volunteered for that you have found a “good fit” over the years? </p>

<p>Is there a particular place YOU want to live, because family and/or close friends are there, because you have good roots, because you’ve always found it appealing? Now might be a good time to explore re-locating there, if where you’re currently living where you feel particularly isolated. </p>

<p>Have you finished your education? Do you want to go back and/or need any particular skills to get a job you’re interested in? Is there a temp agency in town where you could register to try out a few assignments and find out if any appeal to you?</p>

<p>Try not to make major permanent decisions right now, but this really can be a period of great exploration and growth for you, to do what YOU want, where you want, when you want. Agree that you should continue to keep good financial records so there will be no accusations or misunderstandings about finances.</p>

18

<p>I agree with another poster that it is very important to keep clear and accurate records concerning finances, especially if he is self employed. I have a good friend who went through a terrible divorce and her lack of organization and the feelings of being overwhelmed
have created a lot of complications for her. Keep track of everything including emails, correspondence from lawyers, bank deposits, withdrawals, bills, etc. It’s important.</p>

19

<p>Today has been a very tough day. I’m not worried about money. He doesn’t have the accounts passwords, I’m the only one that knows. He is employed and his salary is deposited in full in the US (he can change that), he has one debit card and one credit card. He has always been responsible with money. Our children are in private colleges without financial aid or scholarship. He knows most of what he makes go to college. He is a great Dad. I have no doubt it’s been difficult for him too.
I need to focus on myself. I have a master degree, not sure it means anything after 18 years. I worked for 4 years only. I’m not religious but will approach one church for help.
Thanks for the advice, I may regret it but I can’t focus on money now.</p>

20

<p>I’m so sorry, bettertomorrow. What a shame that he thinks his wedding vows are no longer applicable. That makes me angry for you and for your children.<br>
I pray it all works out for you.</p>

<p>Get your OWN well-regarded divorce attorney today, one who understands the complications involved in international situations. I have heard of more than one woman who was taken advantage of because she permitted her husband’s attorney to broker a deal between them.</p>