<p>Before I explain my situation, I would like to preface it by saying that my mom is generally a very dedicated motherly figure and has instilled great values into her children(besides acceptance of minorities).</p>
<p>However, she is incredibly racist and I am ashamed to be related to someone who thinks like that in this day and age. The topic of marriage came up recently and she said that, “You will be a disgrace in my eyes if you marry an African American, an Oriental Asian or a Hispanic woman”. FYI, we’re an Indian family. She has no rational reason besides racism to dislike African Americans, Oriental Asians and Hispanic people. Recently, when I asked her about this issue, she exclaimed she doesnn’t like Blacks because “they are naturally ugly because of their dark skin and stupid”, she doesn’t like Asians because “they are cheap and the natural enemy of Indians” and she doesn’t like Hispanics because “they are dirty and vulgar”. All of this offended me so much that I almost felt like crying.</p>
<p>It’s not just her blatant racism that bothers me. It’s that she’s so OPEN and COMFORTABLE with it. It almost scares me. FYI, she is a stay-at-home mom, so even though we have lived in the US for 10+ years, she neve really had the opportunity to interact with diverse groups of people besides White Americans and Indian Americans. She thinks white people are gods gift to man. She like prays to god that I only hang out with white or Indian people and one day marry a white or Indian girl. It’s really kind of stupid.</p>
<p>Basically, the reason I have turned to this forum is because I have run out of ideas on how to deal with her. I love my mom a lot so instead of getting angry at her, I want to educate her about these other races that she doesn’t know about. I’ve had the opportunity to meet some extraordinary black, asian and hispanic people so I’m just really upset that my mom thinks the way she does. So, I really would like the parental perspective on this because she’s an extremely stubborn woman. Based on your experience, what sort of strategies should I utilize to get a 40-year old mom to listen to me and get accurately informed about the unique qualities of each race out there and the importance of treating everyone “with dignity”, when she feels that she knows everything already? The frustrating aspect of this whole situation is that everytime I have a debate about anything, she just responds, “I’m your mom and everything I say is final!”.</p>
<p>All of your thoughts, ideas and feedback is greatly appreciated!!:)</p>
<p>It’s probably not possible to actually change your mom’s mind or how she thinks. What you can do, most likely, is change her behavior.
My mom, who is almost 80 years old, is racist as well. The way I have handled this is to tell her that I strongly disagree and disapprove of her racist comments, and I don’t want her to talk that way in my presence or in the presence of my kids. For the most part, she complies, although I know that her opinions haven’t changed. She manages to get a few comments in now and then to me personally, but she has refrained from making bigoted remarks around my children, which I appreciate.
You might tell her that you are hurt and offended by her comments, and that you would be reluctant to bring any friends around her because of what she might say. Tell you you are embarrassed and offended by bigotry, and call her on it each time she makes a racist comment. Tell her that you know you can’t change how she feels, but that her comments are affecting the way you feel about her. She may say she doesnt care, but chances are that if you keep repeating this, she will change her behavior. It took my mom about a year to get the message and watch her comments. If we are on the phone and she makes some type of slur (she is particularly bigoted toward latinos) I tell her that I really can’t listen to this and need to hang up, and then I do it.<br>
I’m sure she still holds the same opinions, and I know I will never change them. I don’t feel responsible for her comments, and you shouldn’t feel responsible for those of your mom. Just stick with your own values and let her know how much what she says bothers you. Good luck.</p>
<p>Most people don’t change by being lectured, they change through exposure.</p>
<p>When I was young, I tended to ignore my father’s racist rants (FYI, we’re Hispanic). I went about my life dating whoever I wanted. I eventually married someone outside our ethnicity and religion, and he just had to deal with it. Of course, he loves my dh now. And when I had my first child I looked him very earnestly in the eye and said, “If I ever hear you say one racist think in front of my child, I won’t allow you to see him anymore.” I’ve never heard him say a peep in front of my kids in 16 years. You have to hit them where they live. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have racist beliefs, but my kids aren’t being exposed to them, and that is enough for me.</p>
<p>Now, my dh’s father also was quite unhappy with the relationship, and he took it to extremes. He quit talking to my dh (then boyfriend) for months and even cut him out of the will. It really hurt my dh, but it didn’t bother me in the least. The man had never met me so it was easy for me to dismiss the guy; it’s not that he didn’t like ME, he didn’t know me. He just didn’t like the idea of me. In fact, once when we went to pick his mom up for a wedding (his dad became “ill” and refused to attend), he told my then-fiance to “Leave his trash out on the curb.” Can you imagine saying that about your son’s fiancee??? The man eventually came to love and appreciate me. Or, if he didn’t, he kept quiet about it.</p>
<p>Anyway, long way of saying you can’t make a person change their mind by hoping and pleading. You have to let them learn for themselves the error of their ways. I wouldn’t rub your views in their faces, but I wouldn’t let them think you buy into their racism either. I would continue to have friends of all races and make sure you point out their good qualities along the way. I know I haven’t changed every long-held belief of my parents, but I think I’ve helped them not be so quick to judge and have a more open mind.</p>
<p>With my grandmother it was blacks (though she never referred to them that way). She stayed the same until the day she died. The only thing that worked was limiting time spent with her, as she was astute enough to recognize that the more spiteful she behaved the longer it was between visits.</p>
<p>Well EAD, I’m both surprised and saddened by your honest and touching question. I don’t think it’s up to you to change her mind. All you can do is live by your own standards and if it conflicts with hers, she may have to adapt or lose contact with you if you say, marry someone not on the approved list. Countless older folks have faced this decision and most come around and at least are cordial with your other person and keep those opinions to themselves. At best they do a 180 and really get rid of the old ways. But that might be too much to count on. My mother had this issue when my sister married a Jewish guy. I’d like to say she came around but she never really did. Such is life. My sister went on with her life just fine. When my mother cut my sister out of the will, my brother and I just overrode her wished and gave my sister her full 1/3 share out of our shares. I doubt my sister lost much sleep over it so it was my mother’s loss.</p>
<p>I think you can bring some of your black, hispanic, and asian friends home. A lot of people have this preconceived notion about black (or hispanic) people, and the only way to change their minds is to present an opportunity for the two groups to interact. </p>
<p>The media portrayal of black (or hispanic) people does not help matters. A lot of us are law abiding citizens, and we don’t go around robbing people and selling drugs. </p>
<p>I know how you feel. I have an ancle who says things about people of other races that make me feel uncomfortable at times (he had a very bad experience in college, and after all these years he still had not gotten over it).</p>
<p>I agree with most of what’s already been said. It’s unlikely that you’ll change her thinking, though it could happen. But you can probably change her behavior once she realizes that actions have consequences. Her desire to keep you in her life will, probably, result in her behaving in a way that doesn’t drive you away – as long as you stand your ground.</p>
<p>My S has never spent time alone with his grandparents and he knows it is because his grandparents don’t share our values and can’t be trusted to curb their tongues in front of my S. As their only grandchild his grandparents had lots of plans for my S’s childhood, imagining he’d spend vacations with them and the places they’d take him, but their dreams have never been realized. They deny they are racist, claiming their race-based remarks are merely factual observations. Fortunately, my S is now 18 and while he loves his grandparents, he too can make factual observations and sees them for what they are.</p>
<p>"I think you can bring some of your black, hispanic, and asian friends home. A lot of people have this preconceived notion about black (or hispanic) people, and the only way to change their minds is to present an opportunity for the two groups to interact. "</p>
<p>Great idea in principle, but I don’t think that it would be enjoyable for his friends to meet his very racist and outspoken mother.</p>
<p>Believe me, being around families (especially those members who have been estranged but are reuniting when someone is dying) as much as I have, this absolutely breaks my heart to see family members forced to make a choice, then to have a parent write a kid out of a will. When I read that you all gave your sister her due, I got goosebumps.</p>
<p>“If I have a cup of coffee that is too strong for me because it is too black, I weaken it by pouring cream into it. I integrate it with cream. If I keep pouring enough cream in the coffee, pretty soon the entire flavor of the coffee is changed; the very nature of the coffee is changed. If enough cream is poured in, eventually you don’t even know that I had coffee in this cup. This is what happened with the March on Washington. The whites didn’t integrate it; they infiltrated it. Whites joined it; they engulfed it; they became so much a part of it, it lost its original flavor. It ceased to be a black march; it ceased to be militant; it ceased to be angry; it ceased to be impatient. In fact, it ceased to be a march.”</p>
<p>I really think it was the only right thing to do. Now divorced with two kids and a working mom my sister needed the money as much as any of us. I don’t see how we could have done anything else–it never even crossed my mind. I know I sometimes come off as kind of a hardass on social things here but really when it comes to family you have to be in it for everyone in the family. Often those are the only folks you can count on when the chips are down. But thanks for the nice words.</p>
<p>In my case my husband’s family didn’t like anyone who wasn’t a wealthy WASP. I am Jewish. When our first child was born I broke off communication with my inlaws because I didn’t want my children to experience what I had: my sil refusing to sit in the same room with me, refusing to let my husband go to his grandparents’ 75th wedding anniversary party (he was the only grandchild not invited) where I was, evidently, a major topic of conversation. The final blow to the relationship? My mil called my soon to be child a “grandki…” fill in the rest. I would not let my children be subjected to such bigotry. (Yes, they were equal opportunity haters)</p>
<p>Flash foward: We reached a slight detente with my inlaws, not so with others. But the final laugh? The other grandson, the perfect blue eyed blond haired boy? Living with and soon to be married to a Chinese woman. :)</p>
<p>EAD, since your mom thinks white people are God’s gift to the world, maybe you should feign concern and let her know that white people generally look down on people who speak negatively of other races. You could say that you are afraid to bring your white friends to your house because of what she might say. ;)</p>
<p>My MIL never accepted me in over 20 years because I’m not Italian and I’m not Catholic. She was always cool to my children, as well, and never had a relationship with them. I always tried to do the right thing as I perceived it, holiday gifts, making my husband stay in touch and so forth, but in all those years she never invited us to her home for a holiday and never came to ours. She also missed any of the kids’ events that were in church because it wasn’t Catholic. I was also the one who took her to her chemo appointments during her final illness. The last Christmas of her life, she dragged herself off her sickbed to come to my house on Christmas morning. She sat me down on the couch and told me how sorry she was, how much she regretted no knowing my children better, and thanked me for always taking such good care of her son. She died about six weeks later and we never saw each other again, but I learned from her just how short life can be and how important it is to live according to your principles no matter how hard.</p>
<p>What a bittersweet story, zoosermom. I know you are glad you did the right thing by your mil even if she didn’t “deserve it”. I have to say too, that it is to your mil’s credit that she did finally humble herself to admit how wrong she had been. It’s a shame that she lost out on all those years of really knowing you and her grandkids.</p>
That doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have racist beliefs, but my kids aren’t being exposed to them, and that is enough for me.</p>